because you are the first - for the special first child

just a small note that i am typing this entry after having scolded my child for jumping on the sofa and not listening to me lol 

... but this entry is supposed to just note down a few moments and recollections how special the first child is to me as a mother

i had never understood or aware of how special and privileged it is being a first child (well i am the first child myself) until i finally became a mother myself

why? is there a need to ask at all? in the perspective of a mother, because the first always entails almost all the most exceptional and endearing feelings, thoughts, dedication, and complications a mother gets to experience. just as how first love matters and is deemed unforgettable for teenagers and young adults...

It is how your heart is filled with inexplicable joy and bliss inhaling the scent of your infant baby, how you cant get enough when his tiny little finger collides into your palm or tightens your finger by reflexes, or how he looks the most satisfied baby ever wiggling his head after a breastfeed, how his so adorable round plump cheeks tempts you into looking and caressing them for eternity, how his unconscious smile softens and eases the most tiring sleepless nights of motherhood, or how he cradles his head into your breasts as if the world belongs to him just by being in your embrace, like your protection and undivided attention to him is absolute and matters the most, as if your hug will chase off all the evils, uneasiness of the unfamiliar and hideous world he just came to and your affection and adoration grants him with the most powerful protection ever... in a world where things should be comprehended in view of relativity theory (as in there is always space for fluctuation and deviation), the word "absolute" feels most fit and apt describing the existence of a mother to an infant.  

yet, love is always an equilibrium between delight, pleasure, and pain and distress

just as how a baby comes into being and living within a mother for ten months with all the discomfort of pregnancy, and gets out of the womb with contraction pain and hours of excruciating laboring pain beyond your imagination 

your baby's loud cry and sob would bother you to perpetually and disturb the calmest mind ever, continuously demanding and occupying your entire time and being, physically and mentally

he would make you feel utter helpless and restless seeing him suffer from any pain and illness because you are unable to do anything except for hugging them tightly or worrying over the right treatment to choose to make them feel better in the shortest time allowed

and how he made you feel guilty and bad at moments when you lost your temper and shouted at them illogically, or how your heart quivers when you first saw him trying to overcome his tears and restrain himself so you can take time to take care of your second baby... only to find him sobbing quietly or crying out loud in his/her sleep calling for mom's hug and attention

or how their clumsy first words humor and comfort you to no end 

there is probably no sweeter love confession than the one your child utters when they first know how to say i love you

yes, all the bittersweet angst, all the ecstasy and delight, all the quivering tugs and pulls accompanied, are enhanced and held dear in the depths of your subconscious just by being the first

you never want to forget a moment of it, yet you have no time and no means to record it exactly as memories fades and blurs in instances

that is why the only love at first sight that i can take credit in is probably this, the love and affection a mom feel for their child... that may be why most of the time, the mom-child bond is a described as one of a kind, an unconditional and irreplaceable one in a lifetime

and maybe that explains how a child always reserves a very soft spot for mother and vice versa, how a mother always dedicates the best things for their child even at the expense of their own sacrifice 

by no means do i reject the idea of family by choice or other alternative love between a child feel and his care-taker other than mother and vice versa ( i mean we live in a world of relativity after all); but this special and sacred feelings is truly beyond comparison unless you experience them yourself

thus, no matter how aching and troublesome motherhood gets, if i were to choose again when being reborn, i think i wont give up on becoming a mother 

Always with Me いつも何度でも～ a soul searching journey, a melody of a lifetime

I choose this clip cause there is an English translation for the lyrics though I have to say translation is not always accurate since there are a few self-interpretations added by the translator (probably in hope to set light on the ambiguity of the lyrics), which is understandable because Japanese is a language of ambiguity

My understanding is slightly different at a few points but i'm not blogging about this song to point out the difference in translation 

I just want to note down how its meaning evolves in me since i first knew and fell in love with it

As many probably know that this is a theme song for one of the best hits of Ghibli studio's work called Spirited away (千と千尋の神隠し）

I first watched it when i was 18 or 19 i think; and i didnt get much of the many layers of meaning it carries until i had chance to explore it again in my film lecture in university. Though i did absolutely fall in love with the tale it narrates and the dream-like adventure Chihiro goes through in the movie. What was left in me then was simply a dreamy adventure and an unforgettable encounter, something similar to a supernatural experience and fateful encounter, which is my cup of tea when i was younger.  

Only until my film lecture when we explore the works of GHibli studio did it dawn on me how the film was a representation of a soul searching meaning that one can relate throughout his/her lifetime, which is exactly the meaning of the song in my opinion.

Just like how Chihiro transforms from a listless, indifferent city girl to a more lively, active, decisive and brave girl when facing with the unexpected challenges and encounters life represents her; the song conveys its messages to those who engages in the search for the meaning of their existence through its ever-gentle melody.

Only with calmness, understanding and resilience comes our courage and resolution to wage against the adversity wave life may throw us at; and at the other end may we make peace with our sorrow and taste the sweetest treats of life...

Through the brokenness each and every farewell leaves us may we find a new beginning awaiting ahead, the courage to accept and to move forward as life unfolds its course  

There might be plenty of things and happenings we cant explain and reason why such occurence but sometimes there is just no reason and explanation for a life course; only that every single living entities would share the same fate; and you are not at all an exception. 

our soul, our inner peace should be cultivated from deep within our mind, our hearts, not something granted to us by somebody or through attaining something at all. but we may only grasp its meaning through our endless pondering, exploring and encounters in life.

That is how the song resonates in me at present, when i have lived for more than three decades. 

The song is like a representation of philosophy of life and our attitudes towards it. It is like a meditation through which we find our calm oasis amidst the ever-changing and evolving storm of living; and it is very touching in that sense, or at least to me 

 So this blog is to profess my love for Ghibli's works; how it always touches me at any moment of life, beyond words

Speaking of which, i really want to see The boy and the Heron....

 

  

   

「OKOTO」 by Sawaii Hikaru - sounds of life through okoto

i think i might have blogged about this piece before but i cant help mentioning it again upon listening to it today.

just that i came across a few string instrumental ost and youtube leads me back to the beloved okoto. guess i have a thing for string instrument after all...

this piece of composition is named "OKOTO" written in capital letters in alphabet, which is a very rare naming in traditional music instrumental pieces like okoto where the naming is usually done in Japanese kanji or at most, hiragana. 

Moreover, its name is the instrument's name itself in English. With just the naming, it has already left a strong impression on what the composer might want to convey, as he probably wants to promote the beautiful sounds of this instruments to the world in a more contagious format of music. 

The piece is meant to be performed by at least 2 persons, not alone, giving me a sense of companionship that might not always needed in playing music, a means to express the individuality. It might not be the intention of the composer but it makes me feel less lonely in that way... how to phrase it... like a solitary melody in its utmost serenity

And the sounds and the dynamics of the melody is what you may label "modernity in tradition" as it is nowhere near the calm and low-key traditional pieces of okoto.

I'm not anywhere near educated in music, thus i cant explain how outstandingly or how differently it is arranged in professional terms. but one definitely feels how all the high and low dynamic transcends the emotion layers here; where one appreciates the serenity of solitude and the joy of companionship at the same time, and then the variation in speed makes us feel the urgency and subjective of time, space and life. It represents a mixture of all the contraries and adversities, unition and solitary, soft and loud, fast & determined versus gentle & vibration; quiet yet explosive and emotive, an exquisite combination of all the contradictions as what life offers us.... and they are all conveyed through each mesmerizing notes produced by okoto, the instruments... yes it is that sophisticated to me

 

When i fisrt knew this piece around 15years ago through my koto club in university, i hardly came across any performances when searching for it on youtube. but today, i can even found the original music from the composer, not to mention the various performances of the piece, which makes me genuinely happy since it only means more and more people, especially the younger generations will come to know and love this piece. love-lived okoto!

The video i shared here has one of the best dynamics (in my humble opinion) and is very closed to the original sounds.

i may blog about this piece again when i may attach more layers of meaning to it in future haha 

dedicated for dramas

 i just feel it is not fair when i wrote about love like the galaxy but there is no entry on my all time favorite drama "Twenty five, twenty one"

suddenly being reminded of 2521 when listening to this song from a coming of age movie i watched recently "Upcoming summer"

Dont judge me when i still watch coming of age movie despite being in my late thirties... usually i dont have much time dwelling or recalling those emotions anymore

but sometimes after watching a beautifully done drama or movie about growing up, love, choice and parting, which is usually the main theme of coming of age stories, i cant help but trying to recall my experience of the far away realm called youth

盛夏光年 Eternal Summer

作词+作曲：阿信
Lyrics and composition: Ashin

我骄傲的破坏 我痛恨的平凡
I destroyed triumphantly the mediocrity which I hate
才想起那些是我最爱
Before realising that those were my beloved

让盛夏去贪玩
Let summer be playful
把残酷的未来
Expel the cruel future
狂放到光年外
To light years away

而现在
But for now
放弃规则 放纵去爱
Let go of rules, let loose in love
放肆自己 放空未来
Let me be free, let’s vanquish fate
我不转弯 我不转弯
I will head on, I will go on
我不转弯 我不转弯
I’m not turning, never turning

让定律更简单
Let the laws be simpler
让秩序更混乱
Let order be messier
这样的青春我才喜欢
This is my favourite kind of youth

让盛夏去贪玩
Let summer be playful
把残酷的未来
Expel the cruel future
狂放到光年外
To light years away

而现在
But for now
放弃规则 放纵去爱
Let go of rules, let loose in love
放肆自己 放空未来
Let me be free, let’s vanquish fate
我不转弯 我不转弯
I will head on, I will go on
我不转弯 我不转弯
I’m not turning, never turning

我要我疯 我要我爱 就是
I want to be crazy, I want to love
我要我疯 我要我爱 现在
I want to be crazy over love right now

一万首的mp3  一万次疯狂的爱
Ten thousand mp3’s or the same amount of passionate romances
灭不了一个渺小的孤单
Can’t crush a scrap of loneliness

我要我疯 我要我爱 就是
I want to be crazy, I want to love
我要我疯 我要我爱 现在
I want to be crazy over love right now

盛夏的一场狂欢
A revelry during midsummer
来到了光年之外
Brought to light years away
长大难道是人必经的溃烂
Is growing up part of the decay that all humans undergo?

而现在
But for now
放弃规则 放纵去爱
Let go of rules, let loose in love
放肆自己 放空未来
Let me be free, let’s vanquish fate
我不转弯 我不转弯
I will head on, I will go on
我不转弯 我不转弯
I’m not turning, never turning

------------------------

First the above song is from Upcoming summer, a very common light-hearted tales of growing up with all its painful loneliness, awkwardness, loss at our puzzled emotions and all the changes the future ahead us beholds... a simple story yet inexplicably touching and soulful when paring with the ost above

the lyrics says it all. it is a phase in your life when you want to break free from the boring routine before realizing that those all are your beloved...

and it makes me yearning for 2521 because i have always loved 2521 ost so earnestly 

Jaurim - 스물다섯, 스물하나 (Twenty Five, Twenty One) (English Translation) Lyrics

[Verse 1]
In the season when the wind blows and flowers fall
It still seems as if I'm holding your hand
Back then, the flowers were so beautiful
I didn't know it as much as I do now

[Chorus]
Ooh, your scent
It's coming in the wind
Ooh, I thought it would last forever
Twenty-five, twenty-one

[Verse 2]
That day, the sea was very warm
It still seems as if you're grabbing my hand
In the shining sunlight, there was you and me
My heart ached with happiness in this dream

[Chorus]
Ooh, the song that day
It's coming in the wind
Ooh, I thought it would last forever
You and I in the past

[Bridge]
Your voice, your eyes
Even the warmth of your body
The morе I remember, thе more they fade
I can't hold you back from disappearing

https://youtu.be/Y1MpPe6raeU?si=nZTYY1b9qxsW_i3a

-------------

while the romance in upcoming summer is a teenagers' crush, cute and light-hearted, the romance in 2521 is much more endearing. It is love, the so-called unforgettable first love; and not only at that, an excruciatingly beautiful and haunting one. Apart from all the cliche naivety and fluttering moments fist love entails, it is the mutually support and nurturing the two lovers shares through their journey to overcome the tough time life throws them into that makes the story outstanding and exquisite. a love that grows, heals their wounds and warms their hearts, being each other source of energy to continue and fight on. we cant help being envious of the love bond they share though it does not last forever...  and the farewell they have to bid is none of those cliche dramas of fatal diseases or love triangle but series of life events powerful enough to make them part their way and fall out of love. the love story and its end is made very realistic in that sense. thus, all the more emotional and endearing

well, what lasts forever anyway? forever is a very subjective and circumstanced term. but it is frequently exploited when talking about love, making love alluring and delusional to the inexperienced ones

 Okay, actually, I have forgotten many details of the drama cause it is alr 2years since I watched it.. lol

but i just want to pen down its name as one of my all time favorite dramas for the emotion feels so raw and real then.

there is another all time favorite i have not mentioned which is Reply 1988. I'll write about it some other time haha

for motherhood, and for love like the galaxy

here I am trying to write after abandoning my blog for almost 4years lol

read somewhere that writing is actually a type of meditation and a wonderful tool to clear your thoughts and understand who you are

cant agree more

writing does help me through my darkest moments and my tough time, calming me emotionally and putting me back into perspectives and logical reasonings; at the same time getting back my humor and practicing writing English. it feels like confiding to your friend and your emotional load is lifted after typing them down and trying to make the writing coherent. it really does wonder beyond my expectation.

Okay there are many many more benefits from writing I couldnt have been mentioning enough of. Just give it a try if you have any doubts. Plus it is fun to read your past entries, remembering the person you were once and the thoughts ocuppying you once.

What I want to write about in this blog is the above Chinese drama called `Love like the galaxy` that I watched in the last days of 2023

First I have to say after 10years plus of forgetting about Chinese historical drama, this drama has really taken me aback of how these historical time dramas have evolved and is way better than my past prejudice. 

I mean the setting is historical (which is always a strong point of Chinese drama) but the content is easily related to in modern society, added together with a well-thought plot, many witty dialogues, surprisingly beautiful cinematography, arousing and sophisticated soundtrack from Oriental traditional instruments, and of course the wonderful casts make it a totally tasteful treat, not any inferior in quality compared to mainstream popular Kdrama or Jdrama.

Apart from the aesthetically pleasing aspects, the drama tells brilliant tales of family bonds, of the ever-challenging relations of parents and child, ideals of loyalty in ancient time; and an intense and heart-throbbing love story of the main leads. 

I was imagining me in my twenties watching this show. I would probably woo over the tsundere appealing ML and get too emotional over the turbulent and eventful love story of the leads, without remembering to appreciate the side stories revolving around the supporting characters. 

Now in the beginning of motherhood, I cant help relating to the stories revolving the family bonds, put myself in the perspectives and agonize over the parents' heart. For us who gets no education on how to become mother, it is just as difficult to navigate life as our child who just begins to step out and navigate their life. For parents, to strike the balance between your endless affection and your stubbornness, to harden your hearts when disciplining your child is tough and excruciating. 

Having been through puberty ourselves, we surely more or less know why the difficult child might behave in way that angers us; yet we cant bring ourselves to make peace or give in just because we thought that it is not right, it is not what society expects, it is not how a girl/boy is supposed to behave... only to regret afterwards if we did it right, if we were too harsh, if our child was hurt, if only we could be less proud to admit our faults, if only we could control our emotions better... so and so was I pondering when taking my baby out for a walk

(well my child is nowhere near puberty but education a child at any age, any stage is a really demanding and tough job)

While in my twenties, i spent much time pondering and figuring out the person I am and the road to walk on ahead; in my thirties, with much less time for myself, and for thinking at all, my brains would circle around motherhood, family bond and human relation we have with people around us.

I read in a magazine featuring thoughts on Kenzaburo Oe's novels and ideas; in which states that human is better off living in groups, that the bond and closeness heals us, that human nature is not to be left alone... well something along the lines.

So be it, relationships is never easy and always demanding; yet i believe it is better for us to be able to bond with other human beings, to be able to trust and take responsibility in our relationship; for human take joy in helping others (much more than one could have expected); though it is definitely a continuous challenge we face through our life time. 

Back to the drama i was trying to promote (lol), another selling point is the lead actor and actress haha. I guess dramas can never do without the aesthetical pleasing points

I hope i can find the inspiration to write more this year...  

       

a promise before time

i keep thinking about fate and destiny without any particular reason

why do us human come up with these ideas of past life, next life, karma, reincarnation, fate, destiny and such

to try to explain coincidence and circumstances beyond our control? 

looking it up on internet and Wiki says fate is circumstances above your control that brought you to your current states while what you choose and do now would affect your destiny which is a future state of yours

the above is brought about in western definition

while Asian come up with more elaborated connection between past, present and future accordingly to your deeds and your interconnection with another beings

Asia pretty much put the concept into a context with communities and people surrounding them

In many Asian language, there are vocabularies to describe fateful encounter and destined rendervous which are the results of our deeds and interconnection with the others in our previous lives

who knows, we might keep reuniting and getting involved with the same souls for thousands and thousands of years, thousands and thousands of life circles, building a vicious circle with our karma ? 

i am not sure i believe in it but it keeps entering my thoughts all day

day dream about souls that have kept me accompanied throughout these times

whether or not it does exist at all

and if fate does exist at all to what extent they affect our life course?

since it is our deeds and our decision and our choice in the end, it is only logical to say we can alter our destiny, right?

but then modern life helps us to widen our circles of connection through the advance of technology, with airplanes, ships, we travel much farther and with internet and phone, we keep the connection longer and deeper?

will all those affect our fate and destiny? with more souls involved and connected?

lol no one knows for certain 

and why these ideas of fate and destiny obsesses us so much? we romanticize them in all our media, movie, music, books, arts just to make us idealize love and the connection we share with our soulmates

while they are all great inspiration and sources of strength in our mundane reality, sometimes they are misleading and blinding us as we tend to forget that it is not only fate but our choices are involved. that we have to make efforts, refining ourselves and earning our love during our whole lifetime

it is definitely an ongoing process and a reciprocal one

because relationship is fragile and we are always not confident about the love we share in face of the unknown and hardships

........

recently I came across another beautiful passages on how our psychology works when we face obstacles in relationships: frustration, hurt and sulking; all are inevitable components just as happiness and satisfaction in love

Sulking pays homage to a beautiful, dangerous ideal that can be traced back to our earliest childhoods: the promise of wordless understanding. In the womb, we never had to explain. Our every requirement was catered to. The right sort of comfort simply happened. Some of this idyll continued in our first years. We didn’t have to make our every requirement known: large, kind people guessed for us. They saw past our tears, our inarticulacy, our confusions: they found the explanations for discomforts which we lacked the ability to verbalize.

That may be why, in relationships, even the most eloquent among us may instinctively prefer not to spell things out when our partners are at risk of failing to read us properly. Only wordless and accurate mind reading can feel like a true sign that our partner is someone to be trusted; only when we don’t have to explain can we feel certain that we are genuinely understood.

https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/06/27/alain-de-botton-the-course-of-love/?fbclid=IwAR19hK9Erqw_zA9OJUuDZhWJwDNllJW6N-t3u70bhCIk6B3hxZ0o8o418ag 

  

It is astonishing that despite our great differences in culture, upbringing background, races, nationalities, we all share this expectation of a wordless understanding from our partners when it comes to love, sharing a soulmate connection and such

It is true this idea, just the same as fate and destiny, is dangerous and beautiful at the same time

except that it may be built more concretely by a habit we harbor since our infantry

as it tends to make us forget the role of our efforts, our behaviors and our responsibility in retaining the balance of the relationships we have as to not to hurt our partners unnecessarily and not to demand them too unreasonably of tasks and emotions that we might not even be capable ourselves 

...

this idea that wordless understanding and it might-be logical roots in our infantry actually touches me deeply as it reminds me of the intimacy of mother love

maybe the maternal instincts in me just make me feel that way, that no soulmate connection is greater than the bonds shared by parent-child... the child and the immature human in us never truly know how to appreciate this enormous love and sacrifice unless one becomes a mother, father his/herself 

it may not be the case with all but i believe all dedicating parents possess such infinite capacity of patience, care and love when bearing and bringing up a child

what is more fated than becoming a child of your parent? if this utterly uncontrollable natural forces cant be label as fate, than what else can be? 

and this must be promise before time, to care and protect another being in the most selfless way

listening to this song while pondering about love and a promise before time

The world I know fades away But you stay.
As the earth reclaims its due And the cycle starts anew We'll stay, always In the love that we have shared before time If the years take away Every memory that I have I would know the way That would lead me back to your side

time

June, the rainy season comes with the sweltering heat and humidity surge

Making the weather unbearable and bothersome at some point though I still very much love its high blue sky and hydrangea shades of purple

It is the time when one suddenly realizes half a year has already gone in a blink of an eye before their brain can actually register the physicality of the passing time 

Time is such an abstract and subjective concept it makes us feel sluggish and rushed at the same time

After all time is a notion mankind creates and only mankind uses it as a measurement in the duration of their life time

No other creature on earth grasps and builds such concept with time and age like us do

Only human acknowledges and counts their age, forcing themselves to behave accordingly to the age pattern they define

Isnt it so amusing? As we consciously and unconsciously create our expectant behavior, stick it to a certain timeline. Along the line we try to adhere to them to achieve what we name as success and satisfaction. 

Failing to progress accordingly to that timeline makes us anxious, depressed, stressed, unhappy, feeling uncompetitive and falling behind, vulnerable to critics and subjected to all kinds of comment and judgement

There is probably no creatures on earth condemning ourselves to such timeline mission as us

For all the advancement we achieve, we push ourselves to reach the equal burden of milestones just to make us feel satisfied as they are indicators of a life well-lived

Civilization empowers us as a superior creature, yet brings to us just as much suffering and damages. The curse of wisdom, or the bliss of ignorance...however you call it

Time flows just as the universe, irretrievably, impartially and infinitely. Against the force of nature we are so powerless, trivial and 

We are so possessed with the idea to make the most out of our limited time

unlike other creatures who just come into coexisting with their limited time

Yet. in the end, our time eventually comes to a halt, without much traces of us to be recalled of

At the end of our time, we become nothing just as before we made our appearance at all

Time is forever an intriguing concept

the creation of this concept certainly makes human achieve and become distinguished; at the same time, it make us slave to our conception, bound by the idea that we have limited time, making us greedy and unable to accept that we are just another entity coexisting with the universe, that we are not any different from other living organism on this sole aspect

Time is not just a mere measurement but we somehow end up using it to vaguely estimate the force of life, of the universe itself

to realize how little power we have over it and to conjugate an infinite value to it

as everything else in the universe

time is irretrievable and unrepeatable

....

so here i am pondering about time while mentally ingrained a list of duties to carry out according to my age, biological clock and such

knowing it all yet we cant dodge them 

i'm not such a rebel to not give them a damn and not brave enough to say i'll be nonchalant and not regret about it later on

 ...

yes, time ... amazing and mysterious... a forever object of thinkers and philosophers

There is this drama I watched recently called "because this is my first life" about marriage life of people in their 30s when the question between following your dream and making a living aches and when one questions what is marriage with all its implications on the involved parties' life

what intrigues me though is its title.

yes, we are all living our life the first time 

and in such manner it implies we could make mistake or feel overwhelmed at certain emotion and experience as they are our first ever

marriage and love included

and it doesnt matter if we made mistake as we are expected to be inexperienced, naive and rash

and it makes sense that we feel restless not knowing what to expect or how to overcome those "first experiences"

here we arrive at another conflict

our increasing exposure does not guarantee us a perfect counteraction or any better shield against feelings and thoughts induced by those exposure though

we may feel the excitement quieting down because we would always try to rationalize and make sense of it, to protect us and to excuse us

and we assign more time on thoughts and behaviors to try to get the better of the situation

that is why first experience always leaves the deepest and most unforgettable memories

though our memories do get distorted with time and our emotional state

....

back to time and nostalgia

I'm rewatching some old dramas, and to my surprise, their content was quite different from my memories

or it may just be that i am more mature and gain more perspectives now than some 10years ago

and watching them make me in awe at the life force again

gone with time our youth, beauty, passion, childishness and oblivion

to the time at which one cannot come back and to the time that contains our proof of living, our memories and our feelings, vulnerability and naivety to the world

P.S. the sound track of the drama watched 10years ago and it astounded me how little I remember it lol