...

ông ngọai mất :

chẳng biết nói gì để an ủi mẹ

sucks :

ready or not T_T

haiz

it should be time for me to seriously think about what to do with my life rite?

Man, it seems that i somehow made a wrong choice again... do i have enough of courage, patience and enthusiasm to go on with all the choices i've made...? or should i just drop these damn modules i've taken?

If i decided to go on, then what would happen? should i take up this risk and make a bet with my own conscience? or should i just be aware of my own restraints? what a crap!!!

I take Japanese 1 this semester which is quite tough for someone who does not know a single Japanese characters like me... just plainly out of my purely love with Japan haha

Well, the other modules are my 2 modules of my NM major and one of them is a level 3000 with no exam T_T (meaning 100% CA with loads of individual projects and stuff T_T ). It is indeed a quite interesting module and the lecturer is also nice....just that i have this doubt about my ability to earn good grade for this T_T

Moreover, the other NM module is the damn compulsory research module which is obviously a boring one. T_T i just have no choice dont i? what's more? this damn module also requires quite a lot of tough work...which is research-based!!! sounds bad enough for someone who hates those boring academic papers like me T_T

It does not end there....my wild mind leads me to another dangerous decision to take GEK1052 which is Community service and Social Action you know.... sounds boring but actually i do think a lot when taking up this module.

Well, I have to mention that it first attracts me with that no-exam merit it carries... well but actually it would take up loads of my time if i wanna get sth out of it (both in terms of grade and experience i mean). My my... Japanese 1 already takes up 7hrs/week just by going to class...not to mention about its damn heavy workload with homework and practice if you want to master it and get some good grade... and then there are 2 modules of my major which require no less efforts and time T_T... and now this one T_T

Sure it is tough for me...lazy kind of person.

You may question why the heck i choose this crazy GEM anyway? well, the answer is i just plain want to engage more into social kind of work... since i kinda feel unattached to this so-called Singapore..or even Vietnam society T_T. You know how it feels like? when i simply feel content after watching a good anime/movie/manga ...in general, fulfilling my own interest T_T. Moreover, i want to experience more, improve my interaction or interpersonal skills and the likes... yeah, more socially active and things T_T... and last but not least, earn sth for my resume T_T

It sounds tough T_T...can i really overcome my self? am i be able to? T_T

I just find myself not really ready to be mature and take up some responsibility of myself and society T_T

But i do wanna try somehow... hopefully it would turn out to be good T_T ...for someone who is just too lazy, selfish and irresponsible like myself T_T

And for ur information, the last module is JS2222 which is Japanese society and social institution T_T...sounds theoretical...again T_T (well, that's what you get when you become and Arts n Social Sciences major T_T). I just take it out of my ...purely love with Japan haha...maybe my curiosity and the likes ... my obsession when it comes to contemporary Japan T_T .... yeah and loads of reading waiting ahead. However, i just find myself being hyped after going to the 1st lecture...nothing but excitement and passion T_T...then how can i drop it? or how can i abandon it T_T

I'm done for =.=
If i dont drop any of these, well, a super busy semester is in store for me T_T

and the main point is can i really keep this passion when all the works increase and become more of a burden than an interest? and can i really gain some of the social attachment i want to feel or it's just another getting-the-work-done type of things T_T

confusion ... risks... and doubts T_T

that's all i have for now T_T

and with all of those wanna-be-mature feelings... can i still restore my interest and my own space to breathe? can i still have time to enjoy my selfish self?can i still restore my carefree way of living? or what would happen T_T

what should i do? T_T

just surrender or take up the risk T_T

there's a high chance of failing anyway T_T

haha just try? or just ignore? how and what to do?

well, i should end my ranting here and make up my mind =.=

i really have to find a resolution for my current state anw T_T

reminiscent

Haruki Murakami: On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning

One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo's fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl.

Tell you the truth, she's not that good-looking. She doesn't stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn't young, either - must be near thirty, not even close to a "girl," properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She's the 100% perfect girl for me. The moment I see her, there's a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.

Maybe you have your own particular favorite type of girl - one with slim ankles, say, or big eyes, or graceful fingers, or you're drawn for no good reason to girls who take their time with every meal. I have my own preferences, of course. Sometimes in a restaurant I'll catch myself staring at the girl at the next table to mine because I like the shape of her nose.

But no one can insist that his 100% perfect girl correspond to some preconceived type. Much as I like noses, I can't recall the shape of hers - or even if she had one. All I can remember for sure is that she was no great beauty. It's weird.

"Yesterday on the street I passed the 100% girl," I tell someone.

"Yeah?" he says. "Good-looking?"

"Not really."

"Your favorite type, then?"

"I don't know. I can't seem to remember anything about her - the shape of her eyes or the size of her breasts."

"Strange."

"Yeah. Strange."

"So anyhow," he says, already bored, "what did you do? Talk to her? Follow her?"

"Nah. Just passed her on the street."

She's walking east to west, and I west to east. It's a really nice April morning.

Wish I could talk to her. Half an hour would be plenty: just ask her about herself, tell her about myself, and - what I'd really like to do - explain to her the complexities of fate that have led to our passing each other on a side street in Harajuku on a beautiful April morning in 1981. This was something sure to be crammed full of warm secrets, like an antique clock build when peace filled the world.

After talking, we'd have lunch somewhere, maybe see a Woody Allen movie, stop by a hotel bar for cocktails. With any kind of luck, we might end up in bed.

Potentiality knocks on the door of my heart.

Now the distance between us has narrowed to fifteen yards.

How can I approach her? What should I say?

"Good morning, miss. Do you think you could spare half an hour for a little conversation?"

Ridiculous. I'd sound like an insurance salesman.

"Pardon me, but would you happen to know if there is an all-night cleaners in the neighborhood?"

No, this is just as ridiculous. I'm not carrying any laundry, for one thing. Who's going to buy a line like that?

Maybe the simple truth would do. "Good morning. You are the 100% perfect girl for me."

No, she wouldn't believe it. Or even if she did, she might not want to talk to me. Sorry, she could say, I might be the 100% perfect girl for you, but you're not the 100% boy for me. It could happen. And if I found myself in that situation, I'd probably go to pieces. I'd never recover from the shock. I'm thirty-two, and that's what growing older is all about.

We pass in front of a flower shop. A small, warm air mass touches my skin. The asphalt is damp, and I catch the scent of roses. I can't bring myself to speak to her. She wears a white sweater, and in her right hand she holds a crisp white envelope lacking only a stamp. So: She's written somebody a letter, maybe spent the whole night writing, to judge from the sleepy look in her eyes. The envelope could contain every secret she's ever had.

I take a few more strides and turn: She's lost in the crowd.

Now, of course, I know exactly what I should have said to her. It would have been a long speech, though, far too long for me to have delivered it properly. The ideas I come up with are never very practical.

Oh, well. It would have started "Once upon a time" and ended "A sad story, don't you think?"

Once upon a time, there lived a boy and a girl. The boy was eighteen and the girl sixteen. He was not unusually handsome, and she was not especially beautiful. They were just an ordinary lonely boy and an ordinary lonely girl, like all the others. But they believed with their whole hearts that somewhere in the world there lived the 100% perfect boy and the 100% perfect girl for them. Yes, they believed in a miracle. And that miracle actually happened.

One day the two came upon each other on the corner of a street.

"This is amazing," he said. "I've been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you're the 100% perfect girl for me."

"And you," she said to him, "are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I'd pictured you in every detail. It's like a dream."

They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It's a miracle, a cosmic miracle.

As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?

And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, "Let's test ourselves - just once. If we really are each other's 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we'll marry then and there. What do you think?"

"Yes," she said, "that is exactly what we should do."

And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west.

The test they had agreed upon, however, was utterly unnecessary. They should never have undertaken it, because they really and truly were each other's 100% perfect lovers, and it was a miracle that they had ever met. But it was impossible for them to know this, young as they were. The cold, indifferent waves of fate proceeded to toss them unmercifully.

One winter, both the boy and the girl came down with the season's terrible inluenza, and after drifting for weeks between life and death they lost all memory of their earlier years. When they awoke, their heads were as empty as the young D. H. Lawrence's piggy bank.

They were two bright, determined young people, however, and through their unremitting efforts they were able to acquire once again the knowledge and feeling that qualified them to return as full-fledged members of society. Heaven be praised, they became truly upstanding citizens who knew how to transfer from one subway line to another, who were fully capable of sending a special-delivery letter at the post office. Indeed, they even experienced love again, sometimes as much as 75% or even 85% love.

Time passed with shocking swiftness, and soon the boy was thirty-two, the girl thirty.

One beautiful April morning, in search of a cup of coffee to start the day, the boy was walking from west to east, while the girl, intending to send a special-delivery letter, was walking from east to west, but along the same narrow street in the Harajuku neighborhood of Tokyo. They passed each other in the very center of the street. The faintest gleam of their lost memories glimmered for the briefest moment in their hearts. Each felt a rumbling in their chest. And they knew:

She is the 100% perfect girl for me.

He is the 100% perfect boy for me.

But the glow of their memories was far too weak, and their thoughts no longer had the clarity of fouteen years earlier. Without a word, they passed each other, disappearing into the crowd. Forever.

A sad story, don't you think?

Yes, that's it, that is what I should have said to her.

---------------------

they said that it's a reminiscent of 5 centimeters per second...

quite true :D

... it just happens to be so right with my wandering mood haha

beyond the clouds....

just watched "Beyond the clouds, the promised place"...

well, it's not the type that would hook you up once started... just like the other movies by Makoto Shinkai...with its gentle flow immersed in the stream of melodies and breath-taking spectacular scenes....

just nice...
slow, gentle with the lingering sense of sadness that engulfs you in streams of emotions...

it's not a particular kind of romance genre like 5 centimeters per second... neither it is an action war-like film... just a nice blend of feelings and imagination... love and friendship... past and present... reality and imagination.... all

yeah...floating with feelings in a world of imagination

but yeah...not sth as mythical and exciting as Hayao Miyazaki's works
maybe more of a trembling feeling that is swelling up your heart, one after another..

yeah..the placed promised...beyond the clouds
doesnt it already sound dreamy and romantic haha

haha i might overestimate it a bit...
you should see for yourself and have your own assessment then haha

anyway...love to listen to that nice melodies... the tunes itself is just deadly attractive enough for me hehe

ảo tưởng

uh thì anime chẳng có thật

thế giới của anime và manga quá hòan hảo và phi thường

thế đấy

nhưng cứ thà để anime và manga cùng những thú vui vặt vãnh ôm trọn lầy mình còn hơn chịu đựng cái sự bạc bẽo độc ác và nhàm chán của cái thực tế đáng ghét

uh thì hèn
thì trốn chạy

it just wont matter to anyone else other than me...
so just let it be

cái tôi à =.=

tôi đã đọc dc trong một quyển sách rằng ...có những người chỉ đơn thuần sự tồn tại của họ, chỉ cần họ là chính họ thôi thì cũng đủ để làm ng khác tổn thương...

điều đó làm tôi suy ngẫm một ít

vậy đấy

nó chẳng sai chút nào đâu

chỉ cần họ là bản thân họ, chỉ cần họ sống đúng cái bản chất và theo những gì con tim họ mách bảo cũng đủ làm đau lòng ng khác...dù có thể họ chẳng cố ý

có lẽ bản thân tôi cũng đã như thế...ko chắc là tôi đã từng như thế ko ít lần

thế nhưng tôi tin luật nhân quả...và có lẽ tôi cũng phải nếm trải khá nhiều cái sự đau lòng mà nhiều ng gây ra với tôi...mà có lẽ tôi có thể cũng đã gây ra cho những ng khác (nói như thế vì tôi chỉ mơ hồ cảm nhận điều này chứ cũng ko chắc) ...suy cho cùng có thể cũng là do sự nhạy cảm ko cần thiết thôi

và rồi tôi lại tự bảo mình ko dc làm cái điều xấu xa là làm cho ng khác phải buồn khổ ấy vì tôi sợ cái sự đau đớn đến tê tái và tẻ ngắt ấy

thế nhưng điền đó ko dễ chút nào và cũng phải trả một cái giá khác đấy

chẳng có gì là dễ dàng cả và dù có cố công thế nào thì cuối cùng tôi cũng vô tình làm ng khác tổn thương để rồi tôi muộn màng nhận ra điều ấy... và như thế cũng có nghĩa tôi cũng tự cứa vào lòng mình

cứ như thế nó là một cái vòng luẩn quẩn đầy ảo giác mà tôi tự xây nên và nó cứ dần khép tôi lại như thế

cứ như ta tự chơi làm lọan các mẩu xếp hình trong trò ghép hình lên và chẳng thể nào xếp chúng lại đúng vào khuôn nữa

buồn cười thế đấy

tôi biết thế nhưng tôi ko thể làm gì để thay đổi cái điều ấy, ko biết làm sao để thóat ra cái vòng quẩn quanh ma lực ấy

cho dù có cố đến đâu thì cái sự tồn tại chẳng hòan hảo của tôi thể nào cũng làm phiền lòng nhiều ng khác... và tôi cứ quẩn quanh với cái sự bế tắc mà tôi xây nên đấy...

....để đôi khi tôi chợt nhận ra cái vỏ trống rỗng mà tôi đã dựng nên có lẽ đã đi quá xa...

để rồi khi tôi ngoái nhìn lại...cuộc sống của tôi như thiếu đi một chất màu đậm đặc để làm nên cái chiếu sâu cho bức tranh mà tôi cứ mải mê vẽ một cách vô thức ấy

... haiz
cố công viết một bài nghiêm chỉnh màu mè rồi cuối cùng cũng nhận thấy rằng thật ...sến haha

dù seo thì cũng tiếp tục lạc đề mất
cứ viết rồi lại chẳng biết mình đang viết gì haha

già cả rồi....

blogging đấy

haiz uh thì là một chỗ để viết gì mình muốn

có điều là từ nhỏ đến giờ đã hổng có khiếu văn chương
họa hoằn bị ép viết thì mới viết

mà viết blog thì khác, viết ko cần để dc ca ngợi là hay, ko cần để dc điểm cao gì cả thế cho nên viết gì thì viết

mà đã là cái chỗ để viết gì thì viết thì chắc là ko thể nào dùng nổi mấy câu văn dài dòng kiểu cách với các từ ngữ hoa mỹ rồi haha

vốn ko có thói quen đó nếu có chăng thì chắc là chỉ có những từ đó mới diễn đạt đúng cái ý muốn nói haha

nói chung viết lách cũng vừa là một thú vui mà cũng vừa là một sự tra tấn đấy

vì ko hiểu sao ko thể viết ra đúng cái thứ mình nghĩ, đúng những điều đang luẩn quẩn dày vò đầu óc mình

haha cho nên nhiều khi viết rồi lại xóa, rồi lại chẳng viết gì còn ko thì viết cứ ý này thọc ý kia, chả có đầu cua tai nheo gì cả
haha pó tay
mà thôi cũng thế thôi vì nếu viết chỉ để viết thì chắc cũng ko cần ai hiểu cả

cứ vậy
chỉ còn một mình ta với ta
hehe
rồi thì cũng chẳng ai mở nổi cửa vì đã quá hoen gỉ rồi

haiz what am i expecting in this year?
a way to escape
from what? dunno haha