...non sense and details

i have this urge to scribble (well, type would be more appropriate) this sentence I caught in a movie I've seen recently

"If one frees himself from all the people and desires, never shall his heart be broken.... But then and again, does he really live?"

a scholar said that and used it as his reason not to choose to be immortal...being mortal and be able to care for the others is still way better. That's what he said in that movie

yeah.... sometimes i do think about it a lot...
rather let your heart be broken or just rather keep yourself safe from pain?
...

in another movie, there's another sentence that caught my attention

"sometimes when I have to pretend so much, I even dont know who is the real me? It's as if there is another me living right besides me.... Sometimes I myself cant tell who is the real me, who is the fake me...that's why i cant trust any people..."

damn maybe i pay too much attention to details...but it really makes me contemplate over and over again...

whatever

i learn not to expect too much of pple...
now i have to learn not to put too much hope and care on pple also
it's scary
once in a while, your life gets busy and there're too many things to deal with
temporarily you forgot about their hardships ... or rather you ignored it?
and then you just realized that they just passed their critical time and you did not try to even ask, let alone help
...
guilty you felt
and then what?
just seems that they do not think you really care and your care is not that necessary to begin with
so what?!
do we always have to speak out loud that we care about someone and we keep an eye on them from distance?
do we have to shout in their face that "ok, i'm worried about you all along?"
i dunno
to me, it's quite controversial
i sometimes need that kind of obvious way of caring...
but in return, i never show anyone that i really care...

ok, i'm contradicting myself
=.=

nvm
just that it's kinda hurtful when your care is somehow ignored and underestimated rite
meaning your existence has no meaning AT ALL ...

forget it
just my selfish and my excuse ok?
damn life
i should only pay attention to myself ... my self-centered self and forget about all others then
carefree and whatever...

is my door broken down already? coz i cant open it anyhow =.=
that's why...there's no way pple can know how to open it
may be it's already broken down..and cannot be repaired

homeless to be =.=

i told myself i can manage it
i will be able to =.=
but i'm lost
there're too many things going on
my time is limited
my capacity of thinking and dealing is also limited
i want a shelter
is it too much
damn it's soo frustrating

pride...

Tsuioku no mori no sasagu by Miki Shinichiro (Minamoto no Yorhihisa)

Dare yori mo hokoritakaki waga tomo ni sasagu Hitasura ni omae dake o mezashita hibi o	I who am prouder than anyone else offer up to you The days when I focused intently On you alone
Unmei no itazura ka shukumei na no ka Soushitsu wa sora no gotoku hatenaku aoi kizuato yo	Is it a trick of fate, or is it destiny? This loss is like the sky, an endless blue scar
Kanashimi no sutebasho nado Watashi ni wa doko ni mo nai no da michibikare koko made kita yasashisa ga itai	There is no room for sadness Anywhere in me The kindness that has led me this far Is painful

---------------------------
huh
it's so reminiscent of how i used to be
somehow this wound turns me into sarcastic fandom