what does matter in the end

sometimes it makes me wonder
is it just another motel to stop by?
or would it be a bit like what i expected?
a place where i can call "home"?

once in a while, there you are, in your lonely mess surrounded by your cynical thoughts
it is not anything unusual when you live alone but....

anw, have i forgotten my self-promise?
to not expect too much from anything or attach to anyone?
coz attachment and kindness may all end up with a bad wound anw

it's safe...or it's lonely
it's boring...or it's painful
it's just a way of self-interpretation anw
so what does matter?

and brother...i learned not to swallow and kept to my heart every single words from you
would you just let me down like any other people?
you're the last person i expected to do such thing to me
it's terrible and i just dont want to experience that kind of thing once again

are you serious when you said such thing? or are they just words of comfort?
if so, i prefer harsh words you know
anw i just marked it as another casual word with low chances of happening
to tell the truth, i may turn it down at the very last moment...
freaking changeable to begin with
...
but you did spoke to me after such long time huh
still....coz you need my help hahaha


in the end... what does really matter in my freakin' life now...

frustration

dont like whatever is going on
wanna go back home
this place becomes borng to the point i dont even want to mention about it T_T
shit
and ther's no sign that i can go to Japan this summer
just what the hell is going on
i want to throw it all away and hide myself in some stupid corner again ==

wanderers...what are you seeking

haiz
anime and manga ease ur world huh
these days ... my whole world revolves around the world of manga and anime ...and sometimes readings for my final...

once in a while, some uneasy thought may pop out but be crushed out immediately haha
these days ...how to convey my exact feelings...
it's not that no one cares about me
it's not that i feel lonely
it's not that everything just messed up all at once
it's nothing closed to what you may define as "sadness"
...
still
this empty shell of mine
what's it longing for?
what's it seeking in this flatten world?
what's it still hoping for?

it's just like before
once in awhile i would run away, hide myself somewhere and close my world

i live with fantasy and mirage
comforting myself with excitement and satisfaction in this unreal dimension

...
and here it goes
my sickening thoughts, sometimes sarcastic, cynical and disgusting

selfish and empty
still a lost soul wandering around this floating world
...
yes i may attempt to make it sound dramatic all of a sudden rite
but it's just that
i hate myself... once in a while
this stupid superficial self who doesnt know how to treasure and appreciate anything it has

what are you desiring? why i have to search nonstop for some new series to absorb myself in?

just wake up already and stop making your life so bland and superficial
damn it what is frustrating me at the 1st place?