listless as usual

nothing much for Christmas.
well i'm not Christian anw but i'd love it better if i can hang out w friends or simply stay in my bed reading my fav book and waiting for mom to call me for meals

well the thing is i dont like the place i'm staying here
so i kind of desperately need to go out anywhere every weekend...esp holidays +_+
esp the kinds of holidays and festival like this
or else i'll jst get homesick + irritation out of their insensitiveness =.=

and i failed to find someone accompanying me for today, which is of course upset me a lot but in a way, i can resolutely draw the line now hehe
it's all the more better like this :)

went to Changi just to find the feeling of fleeing somewhere far
and well the vast and empty terminal 3 sonehow is just right
not too crowded, not too happy and not too loud
it's just fine, quiet enough for me to read my book and lively enough to observe strangers and contemplating on my days

it feels nice to just blank your mind completely and let it float to some unapproachable sky haha

it calmed me down and somehow lessened my solitude

btw i'm reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy <3
it is just right for someone superficial as me haha


and i was assigned this task of re-designing my company's catalogue =.='
like wth rite o.O
well, i did have some ideas bt doing it is another altogether completely different matter =.='
well maybe i'll find back my passion for design haha

i seriously need to study Japanese =.=...it's deteriorating day by day T_T

sigh
somehow the thoughts of future's been hauting me these days
and the feeling of not beloging to anywhere's yet again circling my head
this kind of job leads me nowhere
it's jst seriously unstable and questionable... the aspect of being able to work for this company in Japan or even just remaining here for long

everytime i think about it, it only drowns my heart and kills my hope
what should i do...

and after these 3 years in Singapore i seriously have no idea where can i go +_+
will Japan be reacheable at that point of time ><

i hate my foolish naiveness which makes me simply believe everything
though pple often say it in a diplomatic manner than speak the truth of their thought =.=
and i cant recall how many times it upsets me this much discovering such +_+
still lessons are never learned +_+
urhgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

nvm it's life and reality =.='

oh how i need Arashi and Ohchan XD
they never ever fail my expectation haha
well just let me be deceived by this fantasy alone will do

man that's how i dont like grown-ups

let's go to Never land and never grow up haha

it's time to say goodbye

so the end of the year is coming again
2010 is fast ... in my opinion
or maybe getting old makes us more oblivious to time per se as personal space shrinks
and before you know it, another year of your so-called youth started to depart

it was fun and heart-warming for me the past weeks, receiving love and wishes from all of my dearests
reunion with friends jsut to realize that we're identical even now after all that time

just that there's always this tint of anxiety and vague awareness of an approaching farewell residing in me, mingled in between all warthm and joy

just like weavering between the bright and brilliant colors are strides of darker shades and shadows to smoothen the pictures of life and gives them the touch of liveliness

yes, farewell as in its literary and figurative meaning
a closing of, or a parting with whatever in my possession
'possession' might be a strong word
let's say whatever i'm holding dear

i detest it but then and again, it is just another unavoidable, inherent matter of life

and we tiny human have no say in it
absolutely no power

if there's ever an encounter, farewell in any form is bound to happen
the thought of it alone always saddens me tremendously

and i'm still resisting the process of becoming an adult haha
simply coz it's too complicated
=.='

but when i really think of it, it's yet again another irresistible matter
as of my current position, the eldest daughter, i cant be easy on myself
if anything ever happens, i'm supposed to be prepared and ready to bear the responsibility towards my family

to fend for myself alone is a complete different matter
and up to now, i only think about being responsible for myself and my life =-.='

whereas i also have to look after my sister and my parents
man i'm too selfish and self-centered
the universe is not created for me alone for god sake =.='

but just the thought of it is too tough for the me of now =.='
i mean i'm still nt that strong to brag that i can be fine on my own, let alone if anything ever happens...

life is hard on its own
so just the thought of it , of a life without my family is impossible to imagine
inconceivable
as if 90% motivation and vitality-supply of my life will vapour
after all, living is all the more difficult than chosing to leave a life without a stable shelter to nail it down

it's just horrible and inconceivably painful

... and whatever intention i may have is still not firmly formed yet... which makes everything looks dangersouly shaky +_+

i still need to work harder on becoming a full grown-up ... i guess
maaa.... ganbare!!!

and these days i hate myself for relying too much on people's kindness =.='
independency is a must man +_+

again... on self-reflection

=.=' i cant be any more disappointed with myself =.='
urghhhhhhh
too many events happened at once kind of block all your energy to contemplate on your life
i cant believe i could spend all the supposedly free time to surf Internet in office @_@
while in fact i could've used it to do more research and learn more abt the company and how it works @_@
i cant believe that i nearly intend to go to meet my customer with a virgin blank mind :|
like wth
where's this nonchalant attitude from man =.='
while i should've been more worried abt meeting customer and would i be able to translate and help connecting the conversation
arghhhhhh
my boss spoiled me T_T


i'm such a spoiled brat ... frm home to school and now ...t o work @_@

i need to change or else i'll definitely become that guy O_O

and i went back on every single promise that i made @_@
like studying Japanese ... blaming the busy schedule of performance and practice =.=
like trying to save ... blaming that it's necessary stuff ?!!

yesterday i met my Japanese friend
and she again reminds me of self-reflection and hard work
and i felt ashamed of myself ...
for not trying hard enough =.=
urghhhhhh

and i dreamt of mom scolding me last night on how i spent money and my time ...
i was really frustrated in my dream
...so frustrated that i woke up and found out it's just a dream
i miss mom and wanna go home badly

and even if i boasted on following my way and chasing my dream
i did nothing much so far
:|

sighhhhhhhhhh
i hate me for being easy on myself and let others spoil me @_@

i hate it that i'm still at the very starting point of the journey
or even a bit behind ^_$*#_%(@_

and all i can think of is looking forward to gathering and date O_O
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
THIS IS SO WRONG T_T
i cant live my life this way man D:

queen of drama =.=' urghhh

these days i take sleeping as my pleasure =.='
it sounds damn pathetic bt no matter how much i slept i dont feel that it's enough +_+
wth
sleeping is enjoyable yet the best way to waste your utterly limited time ever +_+
i cant watch my tv shows or read any books and simply just threw all the time that i should've been using for studying Japanese over the window... for sth pathetic as sleeping

i hate myself for indulging me so much T_T
the moment you start to go easy with yourself, right then your youth starts to wane away hopelessly +_+
bt then and again
excuse 1 .for girls, insufficient of sleep leads to higher chance of gaining weight, fastening aging process ... and adding up to your stupid face haggard look is no less pathetic

sigh
yeah superficialness runs in my blood bt so what
people said dont judge a book on its cover....yet fact remains people tend to choose things for its outer-appearance appeal 1st and foremost =.='
that's just how this damn world runs

excuse 2. without sleeping THAT much +_+ my brain cant function very well the enxt day
argjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

--> conclusion IHATE MYSELF FOR BEING USELESS @_@ and EASY!
with all this stupid sleeping time T_T
just forgot abt just being updated to this world of changes, let alone to reflect on your life and chase your dream

am i this HOPELESS =.=
and the most unforgivable thing is ...i still damn enjoy my life as of it now @_@
of course not in the sense that i've achieved my goal or wahtsoever
i jst cant make myself emo or depressed or whatsoever

i am born happy and hyper ! and how come it is giving me all the headache now T_t

as a grown-up, i need to be updated, to reflect upon my self all the time and to not lose sight of my dream

and sadly, december just happens to be my month of joy and rest +_+

equals: this situation may just continue and i'll be here on my blog complaining on how useless i am and how i wasted my time watching my youth wither away @_@

anw new resolution for next yr =.=

1. STUDY Japanese everyday at least 1 hr no matter what (highly doubted=.=)
2. spend less and SAVE
3. STRICT to myself
4. work harder
5. chase my dream... still

...

........
who can enlighten me on how to discipline the self +_+



on a lighter note...
going to perform this piece tonight
it's really a nice piece :)

upon my endless wondering 2...

i amm at loss how to compose this entry
the reason is just simple as i once again failed to put my thoughts down =.='
with no beginning and no end, it makes people who actually tried to read my writing tired as well... i guess

just my old same nostalgia and endless wonder of this world
staying children is always the best as the need to look composed and withold yourself is at its lowest
whereas as an adult, selfishness does not have much of its space and the composed look is highly required...
or at least that's my perception
this is not to say that you have to try acting cool or fake
it's just that the more one grows up, the more he/she should think for others and tries to place themselves in others' position before judging anything or acting selfishly ...
and in the process of doing so, everyone accidentally builds up around them too many walls and hides themselves within those
thus i really think the connection between people and people should really be treasured since it was not easy at all for one to pass those invisible and incredibly high wall to approach other's true self

and being able to open up to anybody outside that wall is, in many ways another challenge itself
there's just too much doubts and anxiety and expectation to risk
first and foremost, in that distance between people and people, it requires more than mere sympathy and curiosity to try to reach out for each other
then, much of time and efforts and will is needed to overcome the difference or reach a compromise
and then much more efforts to maintain and prolong that relationship

just the thought of it tired me out completely
not to mention the situation that each individual is in, the opinion from the crowd which sounds quite irrelevant but does matter to certain level

yes people are difficult
relationship is tiring and frustrating
bt people cant help being involved in it and reach out for it
that's yet another irony of life

my point is certainly not about this irony of life or how realationship in any form btw human and human is difficult
i simply just am at that crossroad to make the decision... again
whether to reach out or just stay behind that wall, which is for all its reasons, safe and socially acceptable

and as usual my indecisiveness does not help while these inherent internal conflicts again collided a bit too harsh

and as usual i might just run away from it all and let my coward self wait for everything to unfold on its own
despite all the regret i may have afterwards
despite the me trying to affirm that it is not the righteous behavior -.-'

these days
amongst all of my floating nameless worry and my aching dreams
life is hard to deal with as of it now
and i do not have any wish to further its complication





i just want to be lost in my wonderland

rough translation

so i'm doing a rough translation for Matsu Takako's song Sakura Fuwari
like i said, her song is cute and old-fashioned
bt i love it that way :D
and yet i wanna flee too, to some unknown places far far away
away from Singapore pls T_T
it's too small i couldnt think of any place to go and emo there =.='
sigh
my heart is gonna burst missing Japan
so it'll be soon 1year since i last set foot there
it was early winter when the sky was still brilliantly blue and the yellow ichiyo were fluttering under the freezing wind
and the heart-wrenching beauty of the golden setting sun at yoyogi park
it was all tranquil and peaceful yet melancholically solitary

the Japan my heart has embraced always contains each and every tiny corner of all the emotions that i manage to work up
sigh
ahhhhhhh i dont wanna sit here and recalling all of these! T_T


anw...the translation


サクラ・フワリ 作詞: 松たか子
作曲: 武部聡志

どこか どこか もっと遠くへ
行きたいそんな気がして
君に触れた指先ふわり
春は舞い降りてくる

言いたい事の その半分さえも
伝えられず 過ごした昨日
なのに不思議ね ふとこんな気持ちに
気付いてしまう とても好きだった

思い出作り重ねてゆく 今日があるのなら
いつか又来る この場所に帰る日が きっとあるはずね

明日違う世界が見える？
裸の私のまま
一歩ふみだしたら夜空に
桜は降りそそぐよ

恋することも 自分だけで勝手に
難しく してたねきっと
あなたのことを あぁ前よりもっと
もっと深く解りたい なのに

私の心揺れているのよ 流れる景色に
素直でいたいだから急ごう はじめての街 今目指して

明日 明日 扉を開けて
新しい旅に出よう
そして汽車が走り出したら
夢だけを見つめてる

どこか どこか もっと遠くへ
行きたいそんな気がして
二人手にしたその切符に
桜は降り続くの

----------

I feel like going somewhere, somewhere far away...
My fingertip that you gently touched
And spring has just flutteringly descended...

without being able to convey even only half of what i want to say, yesterday passed
despite so, it's mysterious how all of a sudden,
i come to realize such emotion
i was really in love

the memories we made is gradually mounting up
if there is today , some time once again, there'll sure come a day when i return to this place

Tomorrow will i be able to see a different world?
with just the same old undisguised me
if i venture a step into the night sky
sakura will be pouring down

even when falling in love,
it's only me that egoistically makes everything difficult, defintely
though i really want to understand you more, and deeper than i've ever before

do you know my heart is wavering
at the flowing scenery?
cause i want to stay honest
let's hurry to the first town that i'm pointing at now

tomorrow, the tomorrow when i open the door
let's start a new journey
and then when the train starts to run
just focusing on this dream only

I feel like going somewhere, somewhere far away...
just the two of us with the tickets on our hands
and sakura keeps falling...

ramblings upon rainy dayssssss

T________T i lost my old ipod arghhhhh
no matter what, i like it quite a lot
despite the fact that it was pretty old, it is indeed pretty and was in good shape most of the time
and it had followed me for almost 4 years, a direct way to access to my own private heaven with fantasy and imagination
and now it is gone missing T_T
and i didnt even realize where and when i had dropped it T_T
oh dear i'm deeply sorry +_+

sigh
yeah i'm doing the most ridiculous thing, mourning for the ipod that i was contemplating so much on ditching it for a new one :|
so now i do have perfect account for ordering the new tiny ipod nano (i ttold you it really felt like fate that i had to own it somehow =.=)

and i found myself listening to Matsu Takako again
love her voice :D
and the way her songs were written is quite old-fashioned and cute in their own way
it's jsut really up to her image
btw, they're going tos how her horror movie Kokuhaku in Singapore (*_* which is totally contrary to her image haha)

so i'm back to the office with tons of mundane papers' works angain and my Japanese skills seem to deteriorate agaiiiiiiinnn @_@
sigh.

anyway still looking for a new place and people to join =.=
i'm lazy T_T
and my boss is ridiculous T___T
he forced us to wear the uniforrm (which has no appropriate size for me *_*) from now on at work
well in a better view, i dont need to care about working clothes that much anymore and will be able to focus on casual clothes haha *_*
whatever

yes, i am superficial +_+
and Ohchan's birthday is approaching <3 XXXD

haha my blog is really a collection of boring and monotonous notes of my passing youth T_T
ohhhh my youth is tripping away ... as i'll turn one yr older soon T_T
haizzzzz
dear, come december, my beloved month
i long for you with all my heart haha
i jst really have this particular affection towards december you see
self-assertive and self-centered
as usual +_+

half-hearted and whole-hearted

so that's the end of my trip to Thai
the four days passed without me being able to help much even though my boss kept repeating that i've been of much help to them =.='

and Bangkok ridiculously resembles my Saigon haha
maybe still more luxurious at some parts but basically i found it familiar and nostaligic to the point of weirdness since it's my 1st time there

maybe i'm just longing home

on another note, i just finished the latest chapter of Kimi ni todoke
...
it's sad to say bt i still find myself addicted to this shoujo manga
haiz... i'm supposed to past that age, admiring this type of cheeky and cute love in manga @_@
erm... i just cant really grow up maybe haha or is it that i'm nt allowed myself to completely grow haha

and i'm still neglecting on seriously learning Japanese T_T
damn me i'm been too easy with myself T_T

i'm definitely not that busy bt my time slips before i realized it

having too many hobbies are kind of troublesome sometimes +_+

anw this world is complicated and i dont know how many percent i could believe in others' words but for now let me take it for granted that it's 98% true when people around me talk to me +_+

so i've been talking quite a lot with my bigger boss in this trip (i've never really been able to talk with him =.=)
and listening to his story, i really feel that i might as well be able to fit completely well with this company and that i should stick to it and devote mmore +_+

somehow i just strongly felt that there's a connection somewhere in his whole working life's motto and my ridiculous ideals of the world =.='

nevetheless they did nt forget the chance to invoke on me some of their expectation casually +_+ which more or less is still pressure to me at certain extent +_+

i do feell more optimistic though, the relief that i might not be stuck in the mundane office work forever

and meeting the customers gave me more insights on how the industries is
there're certain parts where the person in charge is not even sure of what he's doing and they're more or less clueless and lost like me

this is just to say that it's really the responsibility and the morality when one does try to enlighten another party on certain aspects

and of course it's to build trust and reputation when it comes to sale
... anw i mean it's really the point that you need to believe strongly and wholeheartedly of the one you're trying to promote
...or at least to me that's how i perceive it

man maybe that's partly how i like the Japanese spirit
i need to live there no matter what ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh


i cant let time slip this fast
i relaly need to do something about my Japanese man +_+
haiz

suddenly i wanna feel the icy breeze brushing through a field of cosmos in a late afternoon under the setting sun
haiz
oh dreamers.
there're too many amazing and wondrous things of this world i havent been able to experience rite!
ok... this entry is just a breif report of my inconsequential and disconnected thoughts +_+
one thing for sure is that i must try harder to work on both my Japanese and my work

and i'm going to cut my hair again...sooon i think hehe :D

oh hello world =.=

haiz
this is to say there's no point to place so much expectation onto anyone/anything
in the end it's still me who is thrown to the bottomless disappointment
and i still hadnt get my lesson after countless encounter
stupid aint I?

1st it's nt their problem
2nd it's nt their concern
3rd they wont ever get what i mean by passion and courage to chase my dream +_+
and i hate the idea that pple judge me by faces and since i'm a girl, it all boils down to stereotype and Asian convention
arghhhhhh
needless to say how frustrating and disappointed it is!

and there i was thinking i might be able to get over that prejudice +_+
what a stupid and ignorant girl
sigh

fine i dont need those to understand this dilemma of mine anw
what's the point when it sounds all strange to their ears
i'm still jst a girl who's trying to struggle w my dreams
i just need to do it my way, on my own
maybe i'm destined to live alone and struggle with my self-construct dilemma lol =.=

and heere i'm listening to this again
...

+_+

for some reasons it's jst very tiring these days and the only thing i do when i reach home is sleep like dead +_+
wth +_+
and still that doesnt mean it makes me feel any better the next day +_+
urghhhhhhh
bt i'm going to get my pay this weekedn XD LOL
and i'm going to Thai soon ...not for travel thou T_T

and i need to find a place to move to as well
and there're many more things that i need to do +_+
give me more time plsss!
=.='
it's just too frustrating to waste all the time into sleeping rite T_T
such a shame

listened to Blame it on the moon by Katie Melua the other day on my handphone
it's been so long since i last listened to her haha

and i'm going to have koto perfomance soon :D
koto practice is damn demanding these days
the part i play this time is jst too tiring since it's nonstop +_+
haha bt at least it's sth i look forward to every week :D

and i havent talked w mom for ages +_+
so i need to call her this evening if i can get myself stay awake T_T
urghhh i'm sick of me T_T
i fall asleep even anywhere and anytime +_+ which is really horribleeeeeeeee
aaaaaaaaa

oh my endless wonder

haiz it's not the monday blue anymore since it's alr tuesday +_+
somehow the passionate and wrenching melody of koto wasnt able to satisfy this weird boredom =.='
i'm spoilt man
=.=

and now i long for the eternal blue of the sea or the redness of momiji -.-'
the cold and salty wind from the ocean and the inherent nostalgia and yearning in Spitz's songs =.='
it would be just a spendid combination, listening to Spitz on the beach under the night sky ...
ahhhhhhhhhhh it's like forever since i've been to the night sea
to the endless wonder and mystery of this world
......


i can never be satisfied with my life however better it may get 3:-o
too superficial to
haiz what to do +_+

something is just not there somehow right +_+
maybe i just need more arashi haha lol

GOLD...well though i dont like gold that much hah

oh i jst finished GOld XXXD
as expected of Amami it's splendidly done <3 ~
not a suspense type as Boss, not completely cold and indifference as in Jou no kyojitsu, it's a mixture of unwavering belief, of vehement vigoration, of intense discipline and hard-working, of love and devotion and trust... a story of ongoing struggle with life, gambling all one has to win the game.
A pretty good blend between the harshness of reality and the soft-hearted happy ending ever after.
in a word, i jsut love it XXXD
the will and devotion to head onwards, risking everything to feel that you're alive, to bring happinesss to those precious to you

yes life is a surviving game and you cant lose it!
even if the chosen way is full of hestitation and doubts, even if we lose sight of it once in a while, we just have to believe it with all our might and advance.
there's no other way out of it

oh dear it's practical and down-to-earth but somehow, the will to believe and to take a bet with all you have is just so... innocent
i mean it's the kind of bet that you fully understand all the effects and damages it may cause but still, you cant just shake it off and no matter how lost you might be, you will just return to that infinite resolution and forward

to me, that kind of feeling is innocent and certainly beatiful
to believe wholeheartedly and passionately regardless of all the wounds it may inflict

and here is wild flower, the theme song XD

on regressing or progressing

when i have nothing much to look forward to at weekend except for my koto practice
and no money to enjoy shopping alone
and no gathering or whatsoever hangout
and exactly no one to really talk to or just whining to

how sad =.=

there's just no motivation to pull me ahead at this moment =.=

even just some meaningless encouraging word or a pat on my head saying that i've been trying hard... is kind of surreal =.=

even though i already have to forget abt the excitement of being inspired in my lectures and bear with the monotonous tedious job
even though i have to struggle with all the technical terms of chemicals i've never touched in my life and force myself into using the business-like language and manner on daily basis - the exact kind of attitude that i always detest and despise

i wonder if i werent so spoiled to begin with, my never-ending complaints would ever stop... somehow =.='

what kind of future am i heading to, dear me =.='
it's just frustrating when no one actually tried to put themselves in your shoes and see with your eyes? or is it just another matter of reality that i should just get used to =.=
after all just dont expect too much to ever get disappointed ... i guess it's always true for dreamers like me =.='


and i'm listening to Seisshun ikinokori game by Spitz again

yeah
even if the whole world is just an ironical lie, i still have to forcefully believe in this reality somehow and stide forward =.='

i need to survive this living game on my own =.=

i should jst not get emo during weekend +__+
well i would probably sleep like dead when i reach home anw
sigh
...a matter of life

yellow...

it's lunch time again and i find myself immersing in Yellow by Cold play
i hardly listen to English songs these days rite...=.='

anw Yellow to me is utterly cute
simple and sweet =.='
yet intense to the point of foolishness
which makes it all naive and pure
...or so i feel :D

....
it's nt lunch time anymore and i'm still listening to Yellow
today was a mysteriously sleepy day =.='
for some reason my eyes couldnt open at all eventhough i finished 3 cups of coffee, which is too much for me for a day =.=
not to mention the fact that i;m nt that much of a coffee fan =.='

anw
yes i'm still listening to Yellow
..oh what a thing to do
haha

and my hibernating brain is mentally shouting "for you i bleed myself dry ..." :X
yeah that unconditional devotion
that absoluteness =.='
haiz
i hope tmr wont be so bored that i cant keep myself awake after that much of coffee =.=
sighhhhhh
and kanji is tough
i jst realized that i'm using broken Japanese and all my grammars is deteriorating ...badly T_T

seriously where am i in my chosen path?

uneventful day and the deadly sweetness

Arashi's new single Dear snow's PV is so emo =.='
well it's nt jst the fact that the color tone and the lighting is dark, all of them were wearing this super emo faces T_T
oh dear watching Ohchan looking emo makes me all sad and smitten =.='
yeah i know i have this ridiculous affection to him bt whatever XXD
and the melody of the song somehow is just perfectly in tune with the whole depressing picture... a sweet and heart-wrenching melody ... or so i feel =.='
like a dearest farewell from the eternal melancholy of autumn

and i'm still captivated by Monster and Ohchan's solo
like a sweet lullaby luring you into the unknown eternity of darkness
the absolute and wholesome of desire
and sure enough i'll be all willing to surrender to that sweet mesmerizing call lol

well nxt week my boredom and emo might start all over again since neither my boss nor his assistant or any Japanese would be ard +_+
and i need to memorize all the products and jargon to prepare for the coming business trip ><

sigh
needless to say bt certainly i'm all nervous abt this +_+
ganbatte ~~~

man until when will this endless floating life of mine would come to a halt =.='
haha
maybe untill the end of time where colorful sunshine met with silver moonlight @_@
lol

eternity might as well come into exist hahaha

oh dear
another hyper morning =.='

one of the ideas of Plato's eternal and immutable matters i jst read in Sophie's world is so cute ...and well practical and sounds nerdy at the same time =.='
lol
eternal state like maths formulas never changes and universal ...or so did Plato think
haha i mean i never take maths into consideration in my universe and stated solemnly myself that nothing lasts forever =.='
well bt thing does change rite, like there may be a day when some of our known formulas become a bit inexact ... or not true under certain condistion
maybe it's jst that we havent found out yet XXXD
universe is always amazing and full of surprise
lol

ok i started to sound like a nerd =.='
anw i jst want so note down that there really may be a chance that something tangible or intagible may remain unchanging no matter waht
just like the constant in maths XD

hah whatever
see nowadays i can get hyper over nothing like this
maybe it's jsut the so-called inability to adjust to the boring working life and workplace relationships @@
or whatever you name it
oh and ytd i was forced to write a business email in VNese .... =.='
it was really when the horror began @_@
i mean never before in my life that i had to write business email or formal email in VNese @_@
do i even really write email in VNese? *dots*
all the words sound strange and weird to me and all my sentence structures messed up miserably @_@
oh dear my VNese degraded and it like forever since i last wrote anything in full and correct-spelled VNese qand formal styleO_O
felt like i aged 10 more yrs after writing such @_@
and damn it i typed damn slow in VNese as well =.=
and it was such a nightmare having to be addressed by 'em' by all the ojisan @_@
urghhhhhhhhhhhhh
and having to call them by 'anh' *literally gagged mentally*
ewwww
and i hate those ojisan's attitude, acting like they're the best of the world and looking down on pple, esp female ^_$*%*@_%*_#@
it's reallly like *WTF*

anw that's it
i shouldnt be so bitchy in the morning rite
haha
*keep my bitchy mode hidden*

and Ohchan is still very adorable *melting* XXXD

i want to get "Dear snow" single XXD
and gosh they have like 3 singles and 1 album since april till now :|
...almost like a single per month @_@
oh my pocket ^:)^

ok that's it for today

anyone wanna get hyper as me? you can just try "troublemaker" by Arashi XXXXD
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

on another random wednesday

oh people i'm again bored to death T_T

a fish cant return to being a fish
one of the lines in this song =.='
how sad is that
sighhhhhh



literally i have nothing to actually put in this entry
just the urge to shout out that I'M BORED T_T

even though the book is such a treat
even though my roomate came home last nite to entertain me w our gossip story
even though i got to watch loads of Ohchan last nite
even though tmr is the pay day
sigh
so the question is why do i even feel bored T_T
arghhhhhhhhhhh
spoiled i'm jst spoiled man =.='
and my fren is going to Japan... like againnnnnnnnnnn @_@
ok now i'm a bit jealous as well
=.=
i miss my student life T_T
and miss all my inspiring lectures
and our endless fandom talk
and my demanding Japanese essays T_T
whateverrrrrrrrrrr

oh and i wanted to put this song called seishun ikinokori game by Spitz bt i couldnt find any streaming version of it.... so sakana is here instead

anw let's jst read the lyrics in attribute to Seishun ikinokori game (literally means the game of surviving youth)

本当の淋しがり屋は 金棒で壊しまくってる
まちがって悪魔と踊る よろこんで命もけずる

荒れ荒れのハートに染み込む 他人の幸せの粒が
明日には変わるはずさ 気のせいでいいよ 今は

※生き残れ 星降る夜に 約束通り必ず会おうよ
花吹雪 身体に浴びて 笑えるくらい 瞳輝かせて※

勝ち目の無いバカなゲームと 適当に風に流してた
青春の意味など知らぬ ネズミのように ただ

△生き残れ 見知らぬ街で ふくらむ気持ち 丸々たくして
紙ヒコーキ 恋する季節百億世代続いた糸を切る

welcome to the world o.O

haiz
maybe i'm just being suspicious, which is quite abnormal for someone who more than often believes in everything pple said like me =.='
but
it's just hard to tell which is real and which is just for sake of business and socialization =.='
esp when it comes to working and the world of adults
i'm completely clueless
=.='

the other day my boss told me he wanted me to try liaising and selling products to Vietnam market =.='
i was like wth T_T
never expect myself to do sth business-like like that -.-
bt then and again i'm bored to death stuck at the office w mundane and tedious job
so i might as well just give it a try rite

on second thought, i dont know where this would lead me to and if it's anywhere near my dream =.='

damn it life is hard to deal w as of it now
i'm jst lost. sigh.
In this adult's world, pple's words are just hard to believe =.='
what can i do?
i should just not take any words easily? i should jst refuse to believe in human's goodness? i should just deny my phylosophy and motto and forget abt my ideoogy?
should i just lose myself in the process then T_T

anw like i said, it seems that my boss really hopes that i would be able to take over VN market @_@
sigh
dont expect of me too much
i hate to do anything under pressure and i dont like to disappoint anyone at all
like how i dont like to be disappointed at pple at all

it should not be the way how the world works rite

i'm not really emo now, jst confused and lost =.='
sigh

the book 'Sophie's world' does entertain me though
in a very intriguing way haha
though i'm nt that interested in phylosophy and i kind of know more or less all of these through my phylosophy course in VN university bt it's still genuinely pleasant to read :D

and i was alone for the whole week coz my roomate didnt return home =.='
well it comes to the point i take it as everyday matter and stop bothering abt it alr @@
bt still once in a while when you do really need sb to jst ramble on and on to release the stress on your mind, it's still better to have her ard =.=

and my mom told me she's busy to the point she has no time to talk w me
how sad is that
i mean on one hand it makes me sad that i'm nt her 1st priority
on the other hand it further saddens me as she still has to work so hard even though she's getting old nowaday -.-

and all i can do is sitting here rambling on and on w/o being able to help her since i still had this huge debt w NUS T_T
how i wish it would jst disappear one morning and i have no business w this boring country =.='
well nt that i want to return VN yet @@
see, i conflict myself in every single aspects =.='
maybe i should jst stay children and stop comtemplating abt the world and human and anything at all =.= hahaa
that's perfect.

listening to Robinson and forget abt all of this T_T
and why is it that i still have no time doing anything after work @_@
sigh

self-assertion lol

just realized i've wasted too much time getting all emo =.='
and sleeping @_@
haha
i just really have to deal w it, face it, stop whining and accept the fact that i need to be a grownup now =.='
and i need to spend my time efficiently on studying Japanese and watching arashi =.='
which has been neglected the past week due to my low morale mode =.='

it's no good losing sign of your dreams rite
however superficial and illogical it may sound, it's still what i'm aiming for and it's definitely worth my precious time and efforts. that's it
no more useless wonders and doubts
it's the way i've chosen anw and i should just have to stand up for it and keep pushing through till the end right!
ganbatte~~~
haha
suddenly everything seems to look brighter for nxt week haha
maybe
even if it's not, i have to make it look brighter and more promising anw =p
ganbatte ~~~

september wonder

sometimes it strucks me if what i'm chasing really means anything
when i couldnt be near pple to whom my existence matters
a painful realization that i might in the end have to step on every single principle of my naive ideology to keep going on and pursuing this dream

like a catastrophe sweeping through, leaving behind a me in a lost paradise, puzzled and confused all over again

still i dont ever want to let go of this tiny world of mine, of naive beliefs in miracle and wonders and justice -

i'm born reluctant to everything that i have no interest in ... so please dont make me suffer frm this lack of inspiration any longer
intrigue me please ><

meeting and talking w friends only gives me a short-term peace of mind
and soon, reality remains that i still need to drag myself to work and to the world of responsibility and grown-ups
i'm no longer a kid, i'm telling myself over and over again bt i couldnt shake the desire of being spoiled and pampered =.='

well the earth turns and time flows
so i wont be able to stand still and ask for a pause rite
but
in a tiny dusty corner of my brain, eternal autumn comes and remains
as still and wholesome as the absolute solitude of an existence

jst being random

there is time when i desperately wanna be at the end of the world... just alone and detached to every single connection and responsibility
like a coward running away and hide in the comforting darkness of solitude
like nothing else ever matters

yeah
for no particular reason
i jst wanna throw a tantrum and acting spoiled wtf =.='
and bitch at any tiniest thing ever crosses my way haha

it's nt like it really matters if i actually did so
the insignificant and trivial of existence =.='

singapore is such a boring place i cant even think of any place to just melt into and vanish for the time being
well whatever i can just sleep away and waste my life and dissolve into nothingness
like any other beings out there





in the depths of boredom and self-pitying haha

so that's the end of the week

erhm jsut backfrm work =.='
it sounds rather depressing staying at home surfing Internet alone on fri nite bt i guess it's still much better than whoever has to OT =.='

the day almost passed with a monotonous note if my boss and his assistant didnt return to the office.
They were flying back from Indonesia and came to the office straight after that @_@
really, workahollic men :-ss

haha
bt somehow their almost 2hrs existence in the office really turns me to hopeless optimist LOL
i mean i was tediously doing my mundane work in super low morale state
when they returned
and pop! i turned back into inexplicable good mood =.='
i guess jsut the existence of Japanese and the language around cheeers me up that much!
=.='
haha

see, that is fixation and obsession T_T
nothing can cure me from this anymore ><

well well
next week they'll be gone the whole week thought T_____T
how will i survive w the utter boredome then? =.='
sigh
ganbatte~

and i'll reg for Japanese class :D
i'll do my best pple ~
anw jst realize that my salary wont be anough to cover all the things that i wanna buy rite now, including the new ipod nano version ><
ahhhhhh dareka katte kure yo ><

morning morning =.=

i watched this anime a while ago and it didnt leave much impression on me except for the similar art to Honey clover and the intriguing idea about Japanese current social problems

bt the theme song is cute haha
for some reason i feel that i'm too old for this kind of song but oh well whatever
hahaha

there's a way to another land where you'll be there forever, falling to the ground with your gravity ~~~~~~

it's replaying and replaying in my head =.='
my problem is still this fixation i always hold on once i set my mind on liking sth =.='
either it'll just fade away after a while or it just becomes another frightening obsession +_+


and my boss, pls come back asap so that i can get my salary T_T
sigh
cant believe it that i wrote my acc number wrongly @_@
and when i told my best fren so, she was like.... i was the same for my 1st salary 3:-o
LOL
well anw still in the super low morale state
i need money or sth to motivate me +_+
urghhhhhhh

the gravity left and so

so it's one of the boring lunch when my boss is nt in the office again =.='
at least i still have sth to look forward in the weekend when my acquaintance come frm VN and the very 1st salary of working

well, at moment like right now, i know very well that i'm just absolutely thoroughly a kid inside out =.='
yearning for mom's shelter, wanting to be spoiled and feeling proud of my almost-nothing-at-all achievement -.-
like how i manage to endure all this wth-i-have-to-do-this face, like stopping myself frm throwing tantrum and stomping my feet ard like when i was home
like refraining frm complaining of all the mundane listless housework and whining from the bottomless boredom
there's nothing much i'd done bt i'm still feeling damn proud of myself =.=' wth is that
is it how an adult supposed to be, refraining themselves from the tiniest motion of emotion and desire
that's why i'd still prefer being a kid
sigh
still i know i need to fence for my own now, and nt just my own
there's respoinsibility for my family and i dont want to be a useless citizen =.=

and with the huge debt, i/m still dreaming on fleeing for Japan for good ><
everything can be faded bt that alone shall not T_T
arghhhhhhhhhhhh
this is yet anothe whining entry ... iknow
oh mr bloggie, you just have to bear w my endless ranting then +_+

btw i borrowed this book called Kinshuu - Autumn brocade =.='
how superficial i am to get a book jst plainly coz of its title =.='
well i guess superficial is a feature attached to hopeless dreamers then +_+
assumption again ahah

sunrise and morning

The gentle melody faded out
I strained my ears towards the speakers
As it echoed through the dry room
I can't open the door before my eyes
And time keeps rushing me
But for that moment only, it quietly stopped

I hear laughter from the park
I try to remember
The last time I laughed, and then quit...

I take a deep breath
I want to release these feelings into the sky
I escape from the drab feeling
Of being locked in my own world
No matter when, I always
Want the sunrise to shine in my heart

Something big, something solid
All that time I never doubted
Always protected by the love of my family
Why was I able to believe so innocently
In such an uncertain thing?
In such an unstable thing...?

When I look back at my boyhood days
It's strange what a sense of happiness enfolds me

I reach out both arms as wide as I can
I want to touch that gentle air
I tear away all the doubts
That bind me
I don't want to know yet
Someday I'll find out anyway

Sunrise brightens up

Loving someone, making love
Even now my heart leaps a little at the repetition of life

I take a deep breath
I want to release these feelings into the sky
I escape from the drab feeling
Of being locked in my own world
No matter how many times it sinks
I want the sunrise to shine in my heart

-------------------------

credit @ http://www.megchan.com/lyrics/index.php?title=Mr.Children/Sunrise

i love this song XXD
been listening to it in the morning
somehow it reminds me of SHowa by Remioromen XD
a bit of nostalgia of the innocence childhood
a bit of the confusion, indecisiveness of the youth looking forward to the future
a dream to reach out and live passionately
and a will to carry on
well... and certainly much more mixed feelings
hhaa
sorry my vocab doesnt seem to work so well today and all the words started to pop up in Japanese :|
.....
haha
well i'm going to sign up for a Japanese course soon XD

weekend

sing me a lullaby
haha yes this absoluteness that i'm been wishfully dreaming abt
"kimi shika hoshikunai~~~~"
=.='
the song is called 'love is blindness' by mr children






anw i'm nt really sure that work is getting better bt in one way or another, it's less boring
bt i need to take Japanese and i still sleep like dead everytime reach home T_T
urghhhhhhhh
which in turn reduces my time of reading and doing various other things =.='
darn it
well at least i kind of get a more social life, coming to koto practice and meet up w frens =.='
stillll you see my colleagues are too much older to hang out w me :'(
maaa... ganbatte ~
sore shika ienai no ><

T_T i couldnt do anything thse past few nights @_@
back frm work and just slept :|
that's so horrible ><
while i'm supposed to study Japanese, update on fandom, and watch varieties T_T
the only thing i managed to do is taking bath and ironing my clothes for the next day :|
it feels extremely insufficient and useless and incomplete =.='
haizzzzz
but even with that much sleep, it's still damn tiring T_T and i can still sleep anywhere and everywhere T_T
how?!
i need to overcome this stupid crisis =.=' and get over the boredom and exhaustion all this mundane daily stuff stuffed me with T_T
ganbatte ~
haiz

btw i came across this book left at the shelf by my friend, called THe lost childhood and other essays by Graham Greene :D
and couldnt help getting all hyper after reading the 1st chapter on how books may influence a child future...
well it's true that to a child, a book or some other form of communicating medium felt like some almighty existance when jst abt everything and anything was perceived as absolute and precise...
well the world changes when pple grow up and things lost their absoluteness ><
...
after 24 yrs of living with the so-called 'neutral'theory...that everything and anything always has limit, that there's a point when sth would exhaust, that there's no 'absolute' ang 'forever'
somehow lately i want some 'absoluteness' being around me ...
this sounds stupid bt it's like having this illusion that this'completeness' might still linger somewhere around on earth, maybe very subtly or may be it's just a form of of perception ><
sigh
well why not, being such a superficial being? why cant i desire for sth perfect and wholesome? haha lol
the logic sounds nonsense but well whatever i colddnt care less
that's my perception and my thought anw...

that's why when someone asks me what's the meaning of my VNese name... instead of the fairy in the moon, i chose 'eternal autumn' now LOL
it's completely irrelevant bt then and again, you know my randomness =.=
coz eternal, everlasting, for ever are those words i categorized as words that dont belong to this world coz there's no manifestation of it ... or so i thought
so using something like this for the meaning of my name... is like i somehow wanna accept there's some form of existence of this 'wholeness' and 'absoluteness'
...well that's it =.='

haiz
and i hate rainy mornings now since walking to my workplace is so troublesome and dirty T_T
ok time for work T_T

i couldne get over live performance ... it's always so captivating and overwhelming ...

self-motivate haha

well kinda get back to the normal pace and the ultimate fan girl mood ... or so i think
at least it lessened my emo time tremendously haha
well i'm just nt cut out for emo-ness anw :D
still... fact remains
i'm at nowhere in my life w nobody
bt i'm making efforts. i hope to see my progress in each and everyday ><
is it too greedy?

and much to my dismay, i'm still very much of a kiddish adult =.='
i still wanna go out and dress in casual clothes that i couldnt dress for work
i'm sick of the boring office attire with pants and proper looking shirts T_______T
see, i'm still very much superficial and kiddish! ><
bt i cant be helped =.='
haiz
and i wanna dye my hair in chocolate color. yeah i'm working bt so what?
doesnt mean i cant rite
since half of my office wear polo T and jeans for work >< why cant I dye my hair!!
and...sometimes i jst wanna throw a tantrum like a kid not being able getting her favourite toy=.='
sigh
oh well
and sometimes i jst need someone listening to my endless rambling and complaints
and i hate the landlord at my place with his utter pettiness T_T
sigh T______________T
man i need to socialize or else i'm gonna go crazy =.='
i wanna feel it...the passion and inspiration i got everytime walking out of a lecture in Arts faculty >.<
nt that i like to study though bt i wanna have that resolution, that will, that curiosity to learn more and to try my best ...
maybe boss should be in Singapore more and inspire me more man =.='
i dont want to wither away and waste all of my knowledge on boring tedious work ...seriously
nt that i regretted my choice
just that i'm wondering if it really works out
well anw i;m still trying my very best to work, to live on my own
so that there'll be nothing i should regret :D
rite
ganbarima~su
o(="=)o

was listening to this song haha
well it's damn emo and the performance is touching for some reason i cant comprehend bt the lyrics is cute and somehow i like the girl band and the name of the song

Secret base ~ kimi ga kureta mono by Zone



君と夏の終わり　将来の夢
大きな希望　忘れない
10年後の8月　また出会えるのを　信じて

最高の思い出を…

出会いは　ふっとした　瞬間　帰り道の交差点で
声をかけてくれたね「一緒に帰ろう」
僕は　照れくさそうに
カバンで顔を隠しながら
本当は　とても　とても　嬉しかったよ

あぁ　花火が夜空　きれいに咲いて　ちょっとセツナク
あぁ　風が時間とともに　流れる

嬉しくって　楽しくって
冒険も　いろいろしたね
二人の　秘密の　基地の中

君と夏の終わり　将来の夢
大きな希望　忘れない
10年後の8月　また出会えるのを　信じて

君が最後まで　心から
「ありがとう」叫んでたこと　知ってたよ
涙をこらえて　笑顔でさようなら
せつないよね　最高の思い出を…

あぁ　夏休みも　あと少しで　終わっちゃうから
あぁ　太陽と月　仲良くして

悲しくって　寂しくって
喧嘩も　いろいろしたね
二人の　秘密の　基地の中

君が最後まで　心から
「ありがとう」叫んでたこと　知ってたよ
涙をこらえて　笑顔でさようなら
せつないよね　最高の思い出を…

突然の　転校で　どうしようもなく
手紙　書くよ　電話もするよ
忘れないでね　僕のことを
いつまでも　二人の　基地の中

君と夏の終わり　ずっと話して　夕日を見てから星を眺め
君の頬を　流れた涙は　ずっと忘れない
君が最後まで　大きく手を振ってくれたこと　きっと忘れない
だから　こうして　夢の中で　ずっと永遠に…

君と夏の終わり　将来の夢
大きな希望　忘れない
10年後の8月　また出会えるのを　信じて

君が最後まで　心から
「ありがとう」叫んでたこと　知ってたよ
涙をこらえて　笑顔でさようなら
せつないよね　最高の思い出を…

最高の思い出を…

it's still abt growing up ... probablyT_T

haiz i dont even have time to be emo =.='
riding bus is always the time when i blank my mind and listen to Ohchan's voice
letting the sweet lullaby contain my mind and escaping frm all the mundane chaotic of daily routines =.='

when lunch time comes, sometimes, it just dawns on me how lonely i am, without friends and family
almost makes me cry out of bitterness sometimes... looking at the photo of my family
am i jst being stupid chasing after my dream, driving me away frm my dearest...
well just that i cant shake off this foolish dream coz it's probably the one strongest wish that motivates me each and every day ...
so just let this foolishness haunt my life until then

i wanna be spoiled by others =.='
damn it

and somehow i feel so wasted for everything i've been studying =.='
dont le me forget it all pls ><
and dont let me forget all my vocab as well T_T
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

work +_+

haiz my colleagues called it monday/tuesday blue 3:-o
yeah i also feel it that way
my Japanese boss and his assistant are nt ard again so no one to speak Japanese w T_t
what's more ><
seems that me assistant hates me and decides to use English w me instead of Jp ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
いやああああああああああああああだよ！
簡便してくれ！
well whatever =.='
since when i'm becoming so spoiled =.='
maybe ever since i was born
see, i'm starting to trout down nonsense and ilelligible stuff again jst to vent down my random frustration out of nothing at all @_@
i'm horribleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i just need to whine real hard T_T
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

mahh let me be T_T

haiz
the too-rich rotti prata hurts my stomach like hell the whole day T_T damn it
and the coffee doesnt make it any better =.='
and my drastic mood swing =.='
wth i am thinking gosh
what am i expecting =.=
haizZZZZZZZZZz

keep listening to Ohchan's solo in monster
if i can listen to it live in concert I'll probbly die on the spot due to acute overwhelmed-ness hahaha
but Ohchan's voice and that line in Monster is probably the only thing that calmed me down this whole long day =.='
from being nostalgia, bitter, bitchy, grumpy and sudden hyper and back to grumpy and moody again ==
nt exactly grumpy bt sth just bugs the hell out of me and i dont even know why TOT
anw, let's forget, i'm jst being childish and spoiled =.=' watever

and i alr made Ohchan's solo in monster into ringtone for my cell phone XXD
<3 :* oh dear

a note for a day

君の叫びで僕が目覚める、今宵の中で君を誘う！

rough translation ... it's your calling that I woke up, I will lure you tonight...
damn it sounds incredibly childish when somehow i just wanna hear this line so much haha
well, it's one of the lines in Monster by Arashi and it was Oh chan's solo beginning, ...so kinda explains my childish desire to have somebody said it to me LOL

=.='

anw, so today the boss and his assistant is back
well for better or for worse, just let me see how it's gonna be
and i definitely need to learn Japanese more seriously ... cant let this chance pass anymore ><

and my friend left for somewhere far far away =.='
well like always, i just hate it, farewell and having to say goodbye =.='
bt it's ok, i should be a grown-up and get over my childish sulk when things dont go my way =.='

at least hope that it wont be too rough and dangerous there ><
anw i have to go to bed or i'll literally die tmr at office with insufficient conscious and energy to work +_+

sigh

so so so ... (haha it's name of a solo of Ohchan's XD)

so today... more exatcly ytd was my 1st day at work =.='
haha it's kind of too mundane to say there's anything special
and boss and his assistant - the only Japanese in the office werent there =.='
sigh
so nothing exciting i mean
as i didnt get to use Japanese at all >.<
well anw the colleagues are generally friendly and nice
and the work is ok in a sense ...still like i said it's tedious and mundane
bt once in a while i did feel the 'responsibility' more than i ever felt in my life... coz this is real and serious business, leading to real gain or loss of money ... so i guessed i'm still nervous...
and the working time starts early +_+
maa ne
ganbarimashou ~

and i need to review Japanese soon +_+
and i want to make proper bento to work :((

and Ohchan's solo in Arashi's new album is just as expected xXXD
i mean i miss his warm, sweet, tender voice XXD LOL haha
dreaming on his dance for this solo in the coming concert XXD
:X :X :X

hyper XD

あなたのことを見る度に、爽やかで、もう一度恋に落ちるような気がする。。。
hahaha this is absolutely fandom mode XXD
of course i'm talking abt Ohchan OMgggggggggggggggg
damn he's too cute for my heart to contain LOL
howwwww
i only want to be married to Ohno Satoshi oh my goodness +_+ LOL
fan girl is miserable you see ><
the more i read articles abt his, the more i watch him, the more hopelessly i fall for his cuteness LOL
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh =.='
and Ohchan was saying that he like the music for Totoro and Laputa in his radio show XXD


well well anw this total random post will end soon
my frens all are complaining abt working in one way or another
so i cant help feeling insecure and anxious ><
bt i'll try my best

...dreaming about concert still XXD heehee
and Mr.Children is damn cool xD




lyrics of the song .... hehe

Love is Blindness

04.02.26
Artist: Mr. Children
Title: Love is Blindness
Words: Sakurai Kazutoshi
Music: Sakurai Kazutoshi

wrapped up in the sheets, I swim the darkness of the night
Tropical fish living in a secret chamber, that’s us.

I shut this sinful secret in my heart
I wonder if I can bring it to the grave with me?
Oh Love is Blindness Love is Blindness
No one other than you will do.

I hold my time living with you, more dearly
more than any other time in my life.

Even if this is an act against humanity
I’ll be a worm and vow to you my love.
Oh Love is Blindness Love is Blindness
I can’t remain a saint.

I shut this sinful secret in my heart
I wonder if I can bring it to the grave with me?
Oh Love is Blindness Love is Blindness
No one other than you will do.

Love is Blindness, Love is Blindness Oh

Translated By: Brian Stewart & Takako Sakuma

さよならが嫌がる私

so i'll be working soon i guess
kinda nervous wondering how would it turn out ><
but hopefully as long as i try my best, it should be ok
and i must improve my Japanese more
...
sigh
there's jsut this tinge of jealousy of sth very ridiculous =.='
but well it' ok, i'm at least a grown-up and know how to deal with this all
but it's always this resentment of farewell deep inside me
i really dislike it so much and there's a saying that god would give you sth you dislikes the most in Vnese
... and eventhough i'm trying to remain neutral towards almost everything... farewell is still definitely sth i cant get over =.='
farewell... the end of a relationship w someone or something
i hate it as it parts me with people i like and things i hardly came by T_T
and maybe coz i hate it so much, i would just have to deal w it to the point when every farewell, every goodbye becomes insignificant =.='
i dont even think there'll be such time though T_T
so i'm gonna be irritated by the hell of it for the rest of my life

even though on a positive view, one still say there'll be reunion and chances for new encounter, farewell still signifies the end of the present
and present matters a lot
the seperation in time and space means a lot... so i still hate it to the core T_T
...
ok enough emo ><
haha i should still look forward
Ohchan, arashi XXXD
we can make it through !!! YEaH!

and this song rings in my mind ><
さよならの時の静かな胸
ゼロになるからだが耳をすませば

The still heart at the time of farewell
it will become zero but please try listening closdely and see

永遠と一瞬 ~ moment and eternity

oh it's nothing new
just that i spent another white night on this manga Hoshi wa utau XXD
http://www.onemanga.com/Hoshi_wa_Utau/

it's been quite some time since i read some cute shoujou
The story may be a bit dark and the characters might be a bit typical but it's still damn cute =.='
why am i still w shoujou hahah
but i like how the mangaka made all the development of characters, progress of feelings,...
among tons of things we want to convey, things we think should not let others bother of, unspoken feelings, subtle signs... maybe it's not all that complicated if we should just give it a try
if there's no sign no one's gonna understand a thing you see
and even if it's just a few simple words, it already shows your effort, your care, your courage to step up and to take the risk
may be it does give you chance to offer someone a way to your heart, or vice versa, to let yourself enter someone else's personal world...
so the the whole manga (op to now) is probably around that... and how the gap between reality and ideal is jsut so gravely hurtful...
or that's at least what i think

haha the mangaka is the one who draw Fruits basket as well
making wanting to read fruits basket again haha
who knows i may appreciate it more now that i'm this hyper overoptimistic girl =.='

and why do i still like kakkoii guys in manga T_T i mean either really kakkoii or those who acts cold coz they're just clumsy to show their feelings =)))
bt i know those types never draws my attention in real life =.='
why? superficial =.='
maybe i have different personalities in virtual world and in reality ahah
great no i have no idea what nonsense i'm blabbing abt haha
well in Hoshi ha utau, i like Kanade... he resembles Kouichi somehow XXXD Kouichi in Cat street hahaha
both of them are really cuteeeeeeeee hahaha
there i go, fangirl-ing again =.=

oh and there's this supporting character that i really like as well.
she was a ojou san, kind of rich and happily born girl but she's utterly selfish and superficial and had the worst of temper haha
but she's cute in her own way, daring in her own way, controlling in her own way and it all makes her a supportive and interesting friend lol
anw Hoshi ha utau is really cute haha
that's it >.<

oh btw the house i'm staying is damn irritating =.='
now they started to wake up early and be damn noisy and turned off the aircon at the same time =.='
like hell anyone can continue to sleep in that state. and it always gets noisy ard 5.30am and aircon is off at 6am T_T
haizzzzzz i know that i'm bitchy but T_T
even though i'm nt the type who slept in bt at least it'sholiday and 6am is too darn early to wake up dont u think T_T
at least have some consideration =.='

lastly my sis 's gonna have the university entrance exam soon
hope she'll be doing well
that's all
i'm still damn useless b-(



this song just always touches me to the core >.<
it's alreay difficult to just keep everything going normally... extremely
but still the color of hope is the sky color and so keep going on ~
it's really nice
the title of the song means A moment and Enternity

トトロ～夢の世界へ

haha just watched TOtoro XXXD
it must have been my 1000 times saying this but Ghibli's works are really my dream world XXD
beatiful and magical and pure
my gosh this is 24 yrs old girl talking about anime meant for 4~7 yrs old =.='
haha whatever but i just really really love it
the breath-taking nature, the mysterious creatures, the pure hearts of children,
the curiosity, the imagination
everything is delicately weaven with the vibrant colors and beautiful melody.

It's really like いつも心を踊る夢を見たい
awww you see i always end up crying watching Ghibli's, like feeling touched being able to reunite with the beautiful fantasy world, overwhelmed with its lively imagination and pureness XD
Ghibli's XXXD
i'll earn money to buy all of it XXXD
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hahah
well talking about job, somehow it's the topic of me and my frens these days...
making me feel so old and mature haha
automatically makes me think...ahh we reached that age when all the concern of work, family and society coems into the picture...
neee
it's not like i wish i can turn back the time that i dont have to be burden with it but i just somehow wish even if everyone has to work and be a grown-up, we can still keep our friendship and can still sit down once in a while chatting randomly about life and stuff
that'll be fun for sure.

anw abt job, yes i dont wanna go back to VN just yet
...like i just have the feeling once i'm back, i wont be able to go anywhere else but stay in VN for good T_T
and it wont do anygood for my dream
somehow i jsut have the feeling that i wont have to try as hard as i'm here in singapore when i go back to VN. and so i still wanna stay here seeking for chances to go elsewhere... to Japan haha
well let's see what good i can make out of it

anw... i will still have to try harder!!!
ganbatte~

Ohchan mo ganbatte ne ~ :X

on my endless obssession

=.= what i'm doing these days are pretty ridiculous @_@
i mean esp for someone who hasnt secured a job and broke like me
...
basically i'm jsut falling to fan fiction all over again @_@
i mean there's a time when i'm truly addicted to fan fiction haha
but that was when i was utterly free
...then and again i'm quite free now without job T_T
and this time i gave it a try writing fan fiction myself ^:)^
haha see what i'm getting myself in to LOL
so it makes me think maybe in future I'll do master course on Japanese media and fan culture XXD
it's pretty interesting rite ^O^
just that before being able to do anything, I should work and earn money 1st ^:)^
then i would be able to take that master course and live somewhere else, not tropical countries hopefully hhaa
i'm pretty optimistic aint I?
i mean for someone who has no job, no money and in debt like me T_T
well ... it is said that I should be patient and doing things with care this year... so i'm supposed to be patient looking for a jopb as well i guess
even though beingbroke seriously depresses you loads T_T

and maybe in the near future, i'll try drawing as well @_@
crazy girl rite haha =.=
man i need money T_T

oh and currently I'm all over Code Geass and Tokyo Babylon haha (basically it's the result of reading too much fan fiction of these 2 series @_@)
and i know it's disturbing bt I only read shounen-ai fanfic T_T
=))
well whatever
I'm listening to this song haha
pretty hooked to it coz it just fits the mood while reading code geass fanfic
btw i'm writing Code Geass fan fic as well
it's here if you have any interest
http://login.fanfiction.net/story/story_preview.php?storyid=6053354&chapter=1
and it's shounen-ai haha XD
omg i cant believe myself T_T

blah =.= manga and anmag

i'm just escaping reality rite
i know it's pathetic T_T bt i need to come out with a solution 1st =.=
but manga in its own way reminds me of my problems haha
it's just growing up, encouter, accompanionship, farewell, career.... LIFE
i always fret graduating to be honest and now it does come true
just coz it marks the like of 'shakaijin'... can be translated as adult with responsibility to family and society
and no more excuse for irresponsibility or slack
in my perception

and what i dislike the most is the connection of people and people
just exactly how most of mine is up until now in my life
except for my parents and my sister, there's no other guaranteed relationship... or they're just too frail to withstand space, distance and time

everyone is crossing your life without you having any say in it
like any inevitable things in life
or maybe your decision doesnt make much difference =.= ... coz it's nt strong enough

though people is desperately seeking life-time companionship
most of us scare commitment and trust ... one way or another
after all there really is no guarantee haha
it's people's choice
daring to bet their love and trust or not
even if it hurts
there should be no complaints even if it's nt a right choice rite
the decision is after all ...yours to make
shouldnt dump it all on situation and circumstances

haha maybe's that why i want to have children LOL
coz other than that, nothing feels sustainable enough
... see no matter how idealistic i am, i cant believe that easy in ideal world haha

a little bit more...
haiz

Abe Miyuki's manga is nice
building on relationship btw people and people... how stranger and stranger might just devote themself unconditionally and daringly without any regrets
and i respect any mangaka who put efforts in all the tiny details of their drawings
spectacular and meticulous
ok that's it for an entry
see you some time soon mr bloggies hehe




the song is about a girl's endless wonder of life, of dreams, of growing up,of living, of farewell...
so i find it really moving
maa somehow the more grown up i am, the more of a crybaby i am =.=
haha maybe i overcame the feeling of how uncool crying is
it's jsut showing your emotion a bit more openly and there's nothing wrong with such
though maybe crying out loud is still nt acceptable for me hahaha =.=

wing of words - what's the meaning of it ?

it's been on my mind for quite a whilet
what lies between a human and a human?
space, relationship, hatred, love, respect, comfort, support, trust, admiration... and countless unamed feelings and unspoken words
or something much greater yet much simpler
just as light as a mere existence or as huge as a co-existence

why do i even think of this question in the 1st place
...the overflowing unspoken words and unamed feelings that i'm too familiar with?

coz i want to believe that words is just the pretty colorful sugar coat human used to disguise their feelings after all
coz there are many things that speak more than words
but it seems that words are perhaps the tiny beginning...perhaps the stipulating factor to draw one's attention
nothing would start when words left unspoken
maybe
since human is too complicated of a being
compress themselves in their bounded space and society with nameless norms and rules
to the point the will unveil others' or even their own thoughts is forgotten or simply ignored...
words may be the tiny clue to approach these untouched realm of another being ...

and yet i've left too many unspoken words floating around and it is not easy for one to embrace the meaning of some formless feelings without a single clue
unless there is effort
but the fact that human is too busy to make effort to read the wordless cue is the hurtful reality
words
after all i do need to master the skill of words then
without words nothing starts and nothing ends
it's too pitiful!
at least form it
say it properly
step by step

at least to the important people around you
from now on

--------------------------------------
and it's been sometime since i tasted this feeling
bitter and greyish
grey, not blue you see
no problem i believe somehow things will resolve
since i'm trying my best
since my parents are on my side
since i need to and have to grow up fully
since otousan and okaasan are cheering on me

ganbatte!
donna tsurai koto demo, isshoukenmei ganbareba, umaku naru yo
kitto




Dear my friend
by Arashi

入り口も無いのに　出口を探していたのは青い空　Oh yeah
見上げたら　二つの雲が重なってはまた離れてくAll right

本当は誰もが知ってるはずさ　ひとりきりの不安を
白い靴はもう汚れているけど
この先どんな未来にたどり着くのだろう

踏み出す一歩が　かけがえのないものに変わる
つまずいたって(いつだって)駆け出したくて(今だって)立ち上がれるんだよ
普通の景色がいとおしくなるほど眩しくて
この先ずっと(照れくさくて)変わらずもっと(信じたくて)
伝えたい　Dear My Friend

道の無い道を歩いてゆくのさ　だって明日が来るOh yeah
悔しさの涙も虹に変わるよ　いつか雨は止むAll right

本当の意味なら消えないはずさ　この地球(ほし)に生まれて
巡る季節はまた過ぎてくから
この先何年経ったって忘れない今を

つながってるなら　たぐり寄せることがあれば
思い返して(誰だって)笑い飛ばして(そうやって)上を向けるんだよ
旅路にバッグはない　留まらないまま行くから
言葉じゃなくて(ただちょっと)ふざけ合って(今そっと)
伝えたい　Dear My Friend

踏み出す一歩が　かけがえのないものに変わる
つまずいたって(いつだって)駆け出したくて(今だって)立ち上がれるんだよ
普通の景色がいとおしくなるほど眩しくて
この先ずっと(照れくさくて)変わらずもっと(信じたくて)
伝えたい　Dear My Friend

伝えたい　Dear My Friend

伝えたい　Dear My Friend

Though there's no entrance, the thing that I search for an exit from is the blue sky, oh yeah
When I look up, two clouds overlap, and move apart again, all right

The truth is that everyone should know the uneasiness of being alone
My white shoes have already gotten dirty, but
Up ahead, what sort of future will I arrive in?

A single step forward turns into something irreplaceable
Stumbling (always), breaking into a run (right now), I can stand up
The everyday scenery is so radiant, that I've grown to love it
What's up ahead will be forever (awkward) unchanging, and I want to (believe in it more)
Tell me, dear my friend

I walk down a road that isn't a road, so tomorrow will come, oh yeah
Tears of regret will change into a rainbow, and some day the rain will stop, all right

If the meaning is true, then it shouldn't disappear; we're born on this planet
So the changing seasons pass by
No matter how many years pass, I won't forget this moment

We're connected, if we pull close to each other
Changing our minds (everyone does), laughing (like that), I can look upward
I have no bag for this journey, because I go on without stopping
There are no words for it (just a little bit), fooling around together (now, quietly)
Tell me, dear my friend

A single step forward turns into something irreplaceable
Stumbling (always), breaking into a run (right now), I can stand up
The everyday scenery is so radiant, that I've grown to love it
What's up ahead will be forever (awkward) unchanging, and I want to (believe in it more)
Tell me, dear my friend

Tell me, dear my friend

Tell me, dear my friend

...

watching honey n clover
suddenly i realize that i havent been treasuring my precious thing asa i thought
stupid rite

maa

hmmmmmm it's just that i'm kind of feeling lost once in a while in this craze of job searching =.='
it'll be ok if i have money to withstand myself for a few months but the thing is i dont have money to sustain my horrible spending habits =.=
on top of that, many happenings right now kind of confuse me
and the new accomodation also worries me =.=
i dunno if the house owner will be to my liking =.=
and the situation may get worse
and job searching is damn tiring =.=
sometimes i lose the will to do anything @_@ at all -.-
and it's damn frustrating being that way
it makes me feel worthless and pathetic and discouraged

haiz
nvm i just need to look out for more
Ohchan dou shou?
chotto mayotteirun dakedo
maa tonikaku ganbatteimasu >__<

Y.M.

They think danger means something physical, getting scratched and a little blood running and the newspaper making a big fuss. Well, that hasnt got anything to do with it. Real danger is nothing more than just living. Of course, living is merely the chaos of existence, but more than that it's a crazy mixed-up business of dismantling existence instant by instant to the point where the original chaos is restored, and taking strength from the uncertainty and the fear that chaos brings to recreate existence instant by instant. You wont find another job as dangerous as that. There isnt any fear in existence itself, or any uncertainty, but living creates it. And society is basically meaningless, a Roman mixed bath. And school, school is just society in miniature: that's why we're always being ordered around A bunch of blind men tell us what to do, tear our unlimited ability to shreds.

'But how about the sea' Noboru persisted. 'How about a ship? Last night I'm sure I caught the meaning of the internal order of life you talked about.'

from The sailor who fell from grace with the sea by Yukimo Mishima


haha cant you believe it's a piece of conversation amongst 13 yrs old boys?
maybe the genius one...but anw maybe at that time, growing up in a society like Japan requires one asking themselves the meaning of living that constantly at such young age

i just really like this book
not just the elegant beauty of images of ordinary daily life
but also the love that becomes obssession he has for the sea and its greatness
his ideology of life, of love, of mandomhood
all is fantastic!
the pure yet inherently disturbing ideology of a being
something i found very human and extreme
maybe that's why it feels 'Japanese' in a sense XD

haha
oh the sea, the ocean!!! awesome!!!
:X

it's just annoying

once in a while i would become really paranoid
irritated by anything and everything
maybe i;m kind of in that mood now
as in nothing goes wrong but i just somehow find faults with everything
like just now when i read abt human weakness and stuff
abt how they only want to die coz what they seek is not genuinely in this world

this kind of conclusion annoys me most out of everything else
maybe partly coz i'm the type who never really experiences depression in the 1st place
or i'm just really optimistic by nature
nevertheless i cant comprehend if someone resolutes themselves on dying coz what they seek never really exists
i only call it irresponsible and selfish
if you wanna die that badly, choose some other brilliant way
just kill yourself out of depression is kind of pathetic dont u think
i'm just really annoyed and angry by that types of thoughts

is it true that there's nothing else in this world that means sth to you?
what abt whoever gave birth to your existence?
why do you think other pple have to strive so hard in this sucky cruel world to survive? and yet a normal being without any defects, howeve sucked up life may turn out to you, can you just leave it and die? coz you cant find the thing that you want?

excuse me it just proves that you're no more than a self-centered child seeking attention of pple yet you dont want to get hurt or take responsibility of your life

isnt the cruelty of life, the dissapointment and depression and pain that you experienced makes you treasure your happiness and the meaning of success?

well maybe i'm just really idealistic and dumbass coz i've been doting on since young but yes i hate that kind of attitude towards life

there're pple who want to live so badly and struggling every minute with disease to live on for a few more seconds for their daughter's wedding, yet there're stupid pple who own their whole resourceful living time just want to throw it away?

i really irritates the helll out of me
yet you call yourself educated and identifying yourself as some sensitive beings?
it's no more than jsut cowardness

phhhhhhh..... =.='
dunno what gets into me but i'm just really annoyed reading those lines
if you want to die so badly, dont wait until your 20s sth and wasted all the money and effort of your parents and society

and the fact that those lines area made public irritates me even more
like wth it's nt any kind of heroic thoughts or sth, what are u trying to promote? tsk

=.=
ok get back to my life
decide that i should shape up myself T_T and got to earn some money
hehe
Ohchan hontou ni kawaii ne :D
and i just finished another fan vid for my dear Ohchan ahha <3
:X

hikikomori + full time dramas

i've become official hikikomori and full time dramas killer =.=
wth
i've been watching drama at the speed 1 or 2 series per day @_@
if not drama, it's manga =.=
like there's nothing else to do in the world @_@
as in i'm just really reluctant to do anything else except for entertaining myself, reasoning it as taking a rest after exam =.=
haiz
coward aint i

anw i intended to write abt Orthos no inu, the drama with Ryo chan ><
bt somehow i lost the will to talk abt it alr
anw it's just kind of irritating coz Takki's acting is just boring and Ryo chan's also
but he still looks cute once in a while LOL
Ohchan is much much adorable thou hahah
omg =,=
and the drama is no where to compare with Maou to me
as in the plot is just inconvincing to me and that i cant relate to any of the character, which loses the whole point of a heavy drama... i thought it's supposed to make viewers think and touches them, bt unfortunately it fails for me
so...

well maybe i'm being biased in the end LOL

ちょっと話

一つのことがわかってる
私は甘えられてここまできたんだ
それは実感分かっています
だから弱い人間だ
でも人生は残酷でしょう
多分成功できるのは他の人の幸せを奪わなっきゃいけないと思ってたんだ

でも私はそういう生き方はしたくない
馬鹿でもくだらないことでもそういう考え方は持ちたくない
生きられるのは多分わがままで自分のことを優先しないと自分に不公平になることかもしれない
それでも私は私のなりに生きたいだから

まあ、それはリーダーシップがないていうことね

でも諦めないよ、私が信じてること

...........

-------------------------------
what's this feeling
i dont know whether i've tried my best or not T_T
but i feel like i'm out of the play alr
sigh
now gotta get in new one -__-
there's no time to feel sad abt it seriously T_T
rite

dare ka tasukete kureru kai?

＠＿＠頑張って～

gonna have interview later T_T
wish me luck Ohchan dear <3~

面接を受けに行きます～
願いが届きますように、頑張りましょう！
悔いがないように、動力しましょう！
頑張ります！！！


夢のため、食うため、生きるため、愛する人のそばにいるため！！！
愛された分まで、強くなれ！

近い道がないから、信じる道行くしかないから

huh =.='

2 more papers
ganbatte!!!

XD

ありが とうって言ったら
永 遠 にさよならになる

from the song above


...負けないでもう少し
最後まで走り続けて

i'm also itchy to do things other than studying Ohchan T_T
頑張りましょう～

...sigh
just disappointed with my childish reasoning and behaviors =.=
it's not gonna lead me anywhere T_T