aoi usagi

it's a mixed feeling of nostalgia and restlessness =.=' i guess
on realizing that the number in the available ledger in my bank acc is really low... and there're still many things i want to buy T_T
(shopping + window shopping + online shopping is good for your health but not good for your pocket T_T)
being a girl is tiring coz you need to dress up and stuff ? why? just for feeling good mayb LOL

anw... the point is i'm going to declare personal bankcruptcy soon and wth NUS hasnt sent us money yet T_T
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh

somehow i feel very restless today =.='
thinking of next week, projects, money, Japanese, job and future
and none of the music in my playlist completely suits with this mood ><
i wonder why T_T

maybe i need to go to KOTO practice anw
maybe i need to fangirl
or maybe i need to watch anime
or maybe i need to go shopping
or maybe i need to talk w my family
or maybe i just need my mom to call to check up on me
...
or maybe i'm just frustrated of being useless and broke T_T

admit it: without money, you cant enjoy life =.='

things i've consumed today

applessssss T_T
apricot yoghurt
dried prawn, my fav dish o.O (VNese call it tom kho^ =.= LOL)
oolong tea
jelly drink
hahaha

well it's still better than instant noodles i guess =.='

somehow feel like i really leave no whatsoever impression on pple
well i dont like to stand out in e 1st place =.= so it doesnt matter
but if there's really nothing of me to rmb even for pple closed to me, that's weird rite

well what can i do haha
maybe it's all a matter of expression
for the time being let's leave it that way haha

ok good at least feeling more optimistic o.O lol

this song was frm long long time ago....more than 10yrs? i think
i love it back then eventhough i couldnt really comprehend the words ^^
...dont like the drama thou ><



....i guess it's not only me who changed
pple are changing so fast that i can no longer recognize them
and sure my place in their hearts is no longer there to return rite?
i hate that fact eventhough i'm also one of those contributing factors
maybe there is one and only place i can sure be welcomed at any time ~ my mom and my family
that should be the ultimate rite...and maybe my arashi ~ lol

life and time and space?

since when did i turn keen on composing blog o.O
...maybe this is the last semester of university , my last 4 months of student life?
and maybe everything the future beholds for me is so unclear and unstable
=.=
like how can i still earn a living, at the same time chasing my dream, embrace my passion =.=
you need to compromise rite? in life...
or maybe i'm just too rushed ?
but if i dont, the so-called youth would escape　from me in no time (i'm a girl anw and i still want to have a son ><...so youth would probably end ard 30s T_T...some few more years)

i dont ever want to just commit to a life with salary, work and a little family
...not exactly boring but as in not now when i still have the energy and passion to do at least follow my dream
at least when i'm still able to

i dont want to be tied down here in this small space singapore
i dont want to become those office-working who always just find reason to get a medical certificate for a day off of work... i mean what's the point when you have to endure a boring and tiring career with no passion, no motivation, no purpose...burying your youthful energy in some random office for the sake of living...

well maybe i'm just good at speaking without actually being able to implement anything
...which is the very reason that makes me write lots and lots
well no one will care to read these rantings as usual though but i just need to scribble down sth so that there is a place to release these thoughts

...speaking of which i have a diary which i name mr.diary haha (sry a random story popped up again but it;s just my style of writing blog if u ever read any entry of mine =.=)
well it's like 2 yrs i havent touched mr.diary alr
mostly coz mr.diary is in some forgotten corner i cant rmb where
and maybe blog is more convenient
and my hand-writing is way too much for my eyes ><

well ti return to the unknown future again...
you know i'm living with other 4 girls now ...but when the contract of this apartment ends, we'll part our ways i think
who will i meet next? i really dont want to just part with pple ...
mayb coz i'm kind of easily getting emotionally-attached to things ? and i dont want to be forgotten in others' memories
yes i'm just spoilt and selfish and eccentric..i dont ever want anyone take my place on others' hearts
i mean whatever place it is, as a friend, a housemate, a kiddish girl or whatever it is
2yrs in VNese university and i became closed to a small grp of friends. i really like them but since i came to singapore, i became stranger, excluded to any of their activities... that's why i can feel and be aware of the space and time difference very very well. maybe. i became stranger w different point of view abt life, love, lots of things... and my name slowly disappeared from their blog entries, photos, everything... then there's a new title "acquaintance" attached to my name rather then "friend". and that's it. how your existence blurs and comes to a stop in other's life. no mention, no appearance, no words... no whatsoever. I cant just blame them coz it's really hard to keep up conversation w sb who dont know what is happening at that place. i cant be there for them and vice versa. it all becomes memory for good =.=

then now it's my housemates who often spoils me and yields to my wishes, tolerates my kiddish nature and hyperactive mode =.=

things and pple just need to come and go ...
and friends who used to be closed would also part w your life
everyone really has their own life and that's just life?

am i just too greedy T_T
am i just seeking too much attention?
coz everytime i get closed to anyone i like, i'm alr scared of a time when we need to part... coz things just change inevitably and irresistibly

in the end,let's embrace and treasure your presence... however hard, painful, lonely and tiring it is T_T

ganbare~ !!!!!

and that's why i cant believe love at the first time or distance love...or at least it wont work for me haha
there's a need of time and space... and pple can only get to know the real me through real-life interaction, not through these stupid silly ranting thoughts =.='

saaa~ what would become of future me T_T
douyatte ...

昭和 .... =.='

did some translation.... =.='
well it may not convey all the connotation of the words but hopefully some of it ><
mah haha
just love this song so much
encouraging me

昭和 - レミオロメン
作詞: 藤巻亮太 作曲: 藤巻亮太

Shouwa - REMIOROMEN

海沿いの 道をひた走る
焦る事もなく 急ぐ理由もなく

Running earnestly along the coastal line
With nothing to be impatient, and also no reason to rush

宛名のない手紙のように
燃えるねずみ花火のように

Just like a letter without an address
just like a fiery pinwheel

眩しい日差しが横顔を射し
冷たい風が吹き抜けるだろう
愛された分まで遠くまで
行こうと決めて飛び出した旅

The dazzling sunray illuminating the side view of our faces
Wondering if the freezing wind will sweep through...
For as much love as we’ve been blessed with, we’ve jumped out to a resolute journey to somewhere far away


沖の船は いつ頃戻るだろう
待ちわびる影が ガラス越しに映る

Wondering when will the offshore ships return?
The worried waiting shadow projecting on glass

夢のため食うため生きるため
愛する人の傍にいるため

For the sake of our dreams, of our survival, of our existence
For being able to be near our loved ones

眩しい西日が傾いてきて
切ない想いが胸を占める
愛された分まで強くなれ
言い聞かせながら旅は続く

The dazzling setting sun has been sinking
Bittersweet feelings dwelling our hearts
For as much love as we’ve been blessed with, we’ll be able to become stronger
While persuading ourselves this, we continue our journey

潮風遠く 運べと 落葉を拾い
そこへ投げた

Carry the salty sea breeze far away, then collecting the fallen leaves
We threw them out there

海の地平線月が照らし
人の温もりが恋しくなる
寂しさの分優しくもなれ
一人の脆ささえ受け止めて
果てしなく続く夜の中も
街灯の明かり数えて進め
愛された分まで遠くまで
その意味を探し飛び出した旅

The moon illuminating the ocean's horizon
We grow to yearn for the warmth of people
Even our loneliness will be able to turn gentle
Even with just the solitary fragileness, we will be able endure
Even if the dead of the night goes on without end
Just continue counting the lights of those street lamps
For as much love as we’ve been given, we’ve jumped out on a journey to far away place in search of that meaning
---------------------------

i love this part lots
愛された分まで遠くまで
行こうと決めて飛び出した旅

like it's telling me... ganbare~~~
this is what i listen to since like...the day before @_@ lol haha

and what should i feel

somehow feel like i'm returning to my 2nd year when there's still 360 yahoo blog on which i sometimes have 3 entries/day ...

well it's not anything but today my emotion really variates from the highest point of hyper to the lowest point of indescribable
just that my mom msged me that my grandmom passsed away today

it's this kind of situation that i'm extremely lost...what should i feel？
filialy speaking, i should be depressed, thinking of all the memories of my grandmom and somehow tear up for a while
but...
since i'm able to think, i met my grandmom like 4 or 5 times? in the span of 23yrs
.... and i can only rmb her face and how she would not be able to recognize me coz of amnesia
i'm supposed to feel grief but i couldnt really bring myself to
yet i can easily cry listening to Ghibli's songs, watching movies?
is it weird? it's extremely abnormal rite?
what kind of pple have i grown up into? sometimes i really wonder

well i do have respect for her but how about gratitude? at the very least she gave birth to my dad...

writing here bt still cant figure out what i'm supposed to feel, what i'm supposed to think, what i'm supposed to react?
normally? like nothing happened?
i really dont know

sometimes i do think about death and stuff...
like how the dead would just disappear, leaving behind only the space of memories for those surrounding them
nothing changes except for a tremendous large empty spot of memories in hearts of those remained living
the closer you are in that circle surrounding them, the larger your empty spots would spread...that's all

those spots...irreplaceable memories but they might just easily be drown in the mundane vigorous flow of life

and nothing would remain
nothingness
absolute nothingness
like a perfectly white page
the erase from life

what would happen after you die?/ that's one hell of question to think of
and i dont wanna suddenly turn all religious now =.=
whatever

どれほど強くなれたでしょう？

what can i say ~

oh i really really love Japanese class haha XD
even though it's the most time-consuming and effort-consuming mod T_T (i'm slow reader to begin w... and kanji just really tests my patience ><)

today we read a short love story haha
you see this is why and how i love Japanese
it's just so simple and cute beyond words~ XD ...
like how they would convey feelings in a very subtle way, like how they wont really speak their mind but would just use all the gestures instead

light-hearted, subtle, slow-paced and gentle
ahhhhhhhh it's not like i'm very romantic but this is it, the ideal romance for me ~
just routine, daily life with such slight difference ...

just a date-like meeting without any promise
just how they long to that certain day to see each other in the most natural possible way, like some nice coincidence happening each week
and just happy being able to see that person on that random certain day so that some random story could be carried on
and secretly hope for any physical contact, eventhough it's just eyes meet eyes, eventhough it's just some casual handshake
and how they turn shy when some vague commitment like a light-hearted promise to meet again is formed
...
that's really my world of romance, my exact type XD haha

gentle, casual, with a little bit of anticipation, a little bit of secret happiness a semmed-to-be-casual promise that takes the whole couragement gathered in a year haha...and shyness
pure and lovely...i think ^^

maybe a bit of mischief and surprise would complete my list haha
and something deep down is vaguely taking shape, slowly but firmly

...sigh
i seriously think i wont ever be married (though i really love to have son ><)
...

it suddenly reminds me of my host family, how otousan and okaasan cares for each other
and how they care for me... without speaking out loud

like he would just go find the key that she didnt rmb where she had put
like he would scare to be scolded by her coz things turned out differently
like how she knows perfectly what he likes or not
like how they would always affectionately complained abt each otehr's bad habits
...and they would always patiently waith for each other
and silently look over each other, supporting each other
and appreciate all the things the other would sacrifice for them
...well that kind of love, without speaking out loud, with nurture and devotion
...
well it's not like i mean that you can just not speak and all act up what you think, everything is not that black and white
what i mean is words are nothing compared to touch or physical contacts, invisible devotion and care...and time...

well whatever ...
i cant really describe what i mean anw T_T (wth i jst suck w words@_@...in any language :-s )

but yeah that's basically my ideology of romance after 23 yrs 1 month and a few more days breathing on this planet

called me foolish dreamer or idiotic idealist or whatever u want but it's just how i grow up and what i have been absorbing
...
sighhhhhhhhh
and that's why the future life now for me, in every aspects, love, career, family...ect is so dark and unforeseeable T_T

mahhhh
sho ga nai, dare demo onaji da yo




maybe that's how Japan and Ghibli and all my preference is so appealling to me LOL =.='

and that's why this song is really really so sweet
...waiting for someone who hasnt even appeared yet

@this is my vision of Ohchan: natural, clueless, pure, gentle, adorable and a bit of mischievous

tutorial begins tmr =.='

i dont mean to put any more complaint here...it's only the beginning of the year and alll.... >< but it's one of the way to release stress, so T_T

thanks to the buffet last nite T_T, i couldnt sleep for dunno what reason T_T
is this one of those aging processes? T_T
but it's really ridiculous to go to bed at 1.30 am and woke up at 2.30 am @_@ wth
... makes my whole day damn tiring
ivle and all the projects keep spamming my mail box @_@
and i'm drinking my 3rd cup of coffee today =.=... only drink more than 3 cups of coffee in exam/ deadline period T_T

but for tmr tutorial, still need to do homework and readings ...so need to be awake ><
wth ... should i drop one mod T_T
iya da yo T_T

...genki dase! ><



miss ghost hunt haha
this piece really soothes me a lot...on day like today T_T
bluhhhhh

...sometimes i want to receive sth frm frenz or family
like hand-writing letter, present, or email is not so bad also ....haiz
and mom wont call me these days ><
...
and i'm home alone...no one's back yet
damn it
genki dase!!!!

this is really rubbish =.='

i think...
i hope....
this should be the last entry for this month T_T
next week is going to be busy w all tutorials and workshop T_T...and project is starting T_T

just finished watching Arashi concert...again LOL
ok here's my confession
somehow i've been seriously addicting to concert this week @_@
whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
i mean watching concert (even in DVD) is tiring coz i'll fangirl-ing along ...singing along .... dancing along ...gettting super hyper @_@
and still can get my eyes off it XXD
esp Oh chan's solo perf ><
nanda sore?!!!
...maybe coz school stuff will left me with no time for watching concert T_T
it should explain this addiction @_@
urghhhhhhhhhhhh


.... and it's raining
well it rains all the time in Singapore anw but rain is irritating when you need to go out =.='...esp school
clothes wet, shivering in lecture =.='
haizzzz

next week...readings and homework is waiting for me ><
=.='
and i still need to find job !
T_T
should i take up any part-time T_T
then can i still make time for myself and studying T_T
u need to compromise .... sighhhhhhhh

ok that's ranting !
ranting too much
i should stop this nagging entry =.='

salut january~




i really like whoever edits the video
chou kakkoi!!!~
<3

最後に。。。あたしの世界は大ちゃんに回るよ～
ずっと見守ってあげるから～
daidaidaidaidaisukiiiiiiiii XXXD <3 ~

dreams...

why do i have so many entries in jan? @_@
haha
mahh...
just that i dreamt abt them last night
my host family and some crazy dramatic stuff =.='
and abt Japan T_T

missing them miserably ><

........

been a long time since i last dreamt sth this dramatic ><
is this a sign of the disturbing peace? ...

ocean and how it relates to my recent stuff =.='

new semester starts again.... feeling nothing special though it's my final sem.
maybe i really have no attachment to NUS lol
mahhh

for the sake of fan-girl i want to watch this documentary LOL

http://oceans.gaga.ne.jp/

well... coz Ohchan wanna see it LOL
but ocean is interesting isnt it?
at least to anybody who loves sea hehe

like how pple are wondering why is ocean so blue?
i always think how come it's so vast? so grand that makes human feel surprisingly small and insignificant

a mysterious zone, strangely calm and relaxed but deep down hides danger and mysteries
it's gentle, tranquil, yet lonely, unfamilliar and amazing
yes it calms me down just by gazing at its aquarmarine blue, listening to the gentle floating sound and letting the salty scent caress your skin

maybe coz of its inhumanly hugeness that makes all my worries turn to nothing, trivial and nonsense when comparing to the acient fluid living body that has evoluated itself through billions of years
and it would make me feel everything else is so fleeting and ephemeral, moments of happiness, bitterness and sadness
and it just blanks my mind like there's nothing else to think of for that very moment
strangely calm and mysterious

i enjoy it though
maybe coz i didnt grow up anywhere near the sea
and lots of my memories are somehow attached with that intriguing salty body of water
that ocean has hold such special image and kept along with its my endless curiosity and admiration

well the conclusion is ... i can somehow understand it when Oh chan said the sea tempts him, making him unable to stop to long for it XXD
you've got a point there Ohchan <3 ~

[let me just cheerfully think that we have another similar poitn LOL]
maaa=.='
someone helps distract me from this fandom or i wont be able to have the motivation to look at the gender male other than him and them =.='
goshhhhhh

LOL

maaa~

let's stop the moment of fan girl
><
i'm going to broke soon and Japanese this sem is tough with all the poem and novel T_T
it's not like i ever love poem in the 1st place (dont even understand VNese one omg pls) ....
and kanji terrifies me T_T
it's tough! life's tough! and i need to find a job or else my source of supporting fandom will die soon T_T
goshhhhhh

and i took 2 ridiculous (or might be ridiculous) GEM which are Geopolotics war and Peace (-.-')!!! and Understanding how the Internet works (offered by Engineering faculty!!!!!)

and Copyright law would assault me on the way =.='
....
sigh
new semester always starts with my whining and complaints O-O
i think i should give credits for whoever has enough patient to listen to it =.=
lol

ok that's it for this entry !!!!
oh maybe one more little thing: Sleepless in Seatle is really cute haha
but sorry i dont believe in things like "the 1st time i touch her, i know it has to be her...." or sth like love at 1st sight.... i dont believe it any tiny bit...no i refuse to ... hahah ...is it what makes the diff btw Westerner and Asian? maaa~e
i should stop asking questions and start with my readings -.-

to suit the mode of ocean
... this song ~
i love it for its innocence
and how the feelings are conveyed
sakana ~
satoshippoi da yo ('3`)/
@pix: aaaaaaaaaaaaaa mesmerizing smile
looking at it feels like sunshine is all over yourself XXD
sugoku sawayaka da yo <3
ahhhh tamaranai na ><

さとしはあたしの一番だよ！～
ずっと見守ってあげたいのｗｗｗ (what emomji to put here @_@ lol)

something is dissolving...

everyone has their own business
i need to grow up on my own


at times like this, i just wanna hide in my little fantasy world...




so pure that my heart cries

あけまして～

あけまして、おめでとう！～
realized that there's no post for new year...so just start ^^

school starts for me and i have new hair cut...for better or for worse i dunno
and i really need to loose weight!seriously T_T
and i'm spending money like crazy =.='

well apart frm all those complaints, i'm happy to receive the email of my host family <3
they're really soo cute haha
making me miserably missing Japan more at time like this
looking at all the photos, of places i've been to in Japan
it's really bittersweet rite
trying to be logical, nostalgia makes your memories seems way better and saddens you with its very nature... there's no return to the past
things gone are gone no matter how beautiful they were
well it's a bit depressing rite ...

somehow i feel like the older you get, the more oblivious you're to these kind of stuff
mayb at some point, you learn how to get used to your self-created loneliness, solitude...

just that looking at photo of the place you've been to, the pple you've met...and you feel like some forgotten parts in you try to wake up ... like something there will go missing soon...like you'll start to forgot all of those memories soon in no time
it's scary!
just imagine you start to forgot what you really love, what you really embrace and just live along the flow of life ><
dreams and hopes all forgotten...

if possible i dont want to forgot a single second of my life... eventhough there're lots of parts i wish that they werent my memories haha

only in my 20s and i alr feel like i'm losing parts of my memories
if there's a way we can really reserve our memories each and every seconds...

haha would it make nostalgia less perfect then
coz some pple said memories are good coz we only rmb the best part of it

well, i'm starting to go round and round again
if more than one thought is in my head, sooner or later, i'll just be carried further and further away from my original idea/ intention/ emotion hahah

maybe that' shy i love blogging, scribbling things down and my thoughts would just caryy me away from all the stress and depression in no time

that's why i hardly stay depressed LOL


...just for not to forget my original intention of this entry, i really miss Japan
AIU and the time i was there
AIU and its pretty campus and cute students
we had loads of fun there...
it's only 1 yr and 4 months but it seems like somewhere in my 5 yrs ago time ><

and Hiroshima... and my host family
only last month and it alr feels like last yr ><

...
ok
suddenly think of new year resolution now
what should i achieve? i'll keep it deep down in my heart so that the wind wont blow it away from me
will my wish be granted if i keep it a secret?
hhaha
GANBARE~!!!

at times all feel like they'll drift away frm me sooon, slowly, little by little... and i'll be left alone...why all good things seem so fleeting and ephemeral?

at times i feel like i'm really loved and blessed by pple surrounding me
and at times i feel like i'm losing myself to life, losing my dreams to reality, to my own useless self

GANBARE!!!!!!!!
大ちゃんもずっと頑張っているよ！短い道がないから信じる道に行くしかないから！

@pix:love his face like this, a bit of shy, a bit of blur, a bit of effort
and childish as always ~
itsumo daisuki da yo <3