and what should i feel

somehow feel like i'm returning to my 2nd year when there's still 360 yahoo blog on which i sometimes have 3 entries/day ...

well it's not anything but today my emotion really variates from the highest point of hyper to the lowest point of indescribable
just that my mom msged me that my grandmom passsed away today

it's this kind of situation that i'm extremely lost...what should i feel？
filialy speaking, i should be depressed, thinking of all the memories of my grandmom and somehow tear up for a while
but...
since i'm able to think, i met my grandmom like 4 or 5 times? in the span of 23yrs
.... and i can only rmb her face and how she would not be able to recognize me coz of amnesia
i'm supposed to feel grief but i couldnt really bring myself to
yet i can easily cry listening to Ghibli's songs, watching movies?
is it weird? it's extremely abnormal rite?
what kind of pple have i grown up into? sometimes i really wonder

well i do have respect for her but how about gratitude? at the very least she gave birth to my dad...

writing here bt still cant figure out what i'm supposed to feel, what i'm supposed to think, what i'm supposed to react?
normally? like nothing happened?
i really dont know

sometimes i do think about death and stuff...
like how the dead would just disappear, leaving behind only the space of memories for those surrounding them
nothing changes except for a tremendous large empty spot of memories in hearts of those remained living
the closer you are in that circle surrounding them, the larger your empty spots would spread...that's all

those spots...irreplaceable memories but they might just easily be drown in the mundane vigorous flow of life

and nothing would remain
nothingness
absolute nothingness
like a perfectly white page
the erase from life

what would happen after you die?/ that's one hell of question to think of
and i dont wanna suddenly turn all religious now =.=
whatever

どれほど強くなれたでしょう？