the gravity left and so

so it's one of the boring lunch when my boss is nt in the office again =.='
at least i still have sth to look forward in the weekend when my acquaintance come frm VN and the very 1st salary of working

well, at moment like right now, i know very well that i'm just absolutely thoroughly a kid inside out =.='
yearning for mom's shelter, wanting to be spoiled and feeling proud of my almost-nothing-at-all achievement -.-
like how i manage to endure all this wth-i-have-to-do-this face, like stopping myself frm throwing tantrum and stomping my feet ard like when i was home
like refraining frm complaining of all the mundane listless housework and whining from the bottomless boredom
there's nothing much i'd done bt i'm still feeling damn proud of myself =.=' wth is that
is it how an adult supposed to be, refraining themselves from the tiniest motion of emotion and desire
that's why i'd still prefer being a kid
sigh
still i know i need to fence for my own now, and nt just my own
there's respoinsibility for my family and i dont want to be a useless citizen =.=

and with the huge debt, i/m still dreaming on fleeing for Japan for good ><
everything can be faded bt that alone shall not T_T
arghhhhhhhhhhhh
this is yet anothe whining entry ... iknow
oh mr bloggie, you just have to bear w my endless ranting then +_+

btw i borrowed this book called Kinshuu - Autumn brocade =.='
how superficial i am to get a book jst plainly coz of its title =.='
well i guess superficial is a feature attached to hopeless dreamers then +_+
assumption again ahah

sunrise and morning

The gentle melody faded out
I strained my ears towards the speakers
As it echoed through the dry room
I can't open the door before my eyes
And time keeps rushing me
But for that moment only, it quietly stopped

I hear laughter from the park
I try to remember
The last time I laughed, and then quit...

I take a deep breath
I want to release these feelings into the sky
I escape from the drab feeling
Of being locked in my own world
No matter when, I always
Want the sunrise to shine in my heart

Something big, something solid
All that time I never doubted
Always protected by the love of my family
Why was I able to believe so innocently
In such an uncertain thing?
In such an unstable thing...?

When I look back at my boyhood days
It's strange what a sense of happiness enfolds me

I reach out both arms as wide as I can
I want to touch that gentle air
I tear away all the doubts
That bind me
I don't want to know yet
Someday I'll find out anyway

Sunrise brightens up

Loving someone, making love
Even now my heart leaps a little at the repetition of life

I take a deep breath
I want to release these feelings into the sky
I escape from the drab feeling
Of being locked in my own world
No matter how many times it sinks
I want the sunrise to shine in my heart

-------------------------

credit @ http://www.megchan.com/lyrics/index.php?title=Mr.Children/Sunrise

i love this song XXD
been listening to it in the morning
somehow it reminds me of SHowa by Remioromen XD
a bit of nostalgia of the innocence childhood
a bit of the confusion, indecisiveness of the youth looking forward to the future
a dream to reach out and live passionately
and a will to carry on
well... and certainly much more mixed feelings
hhaa
sorry my vocab doesnt seem to work so well today and all the words started to pop up in Japanese :|
.....
haha
well i'm going to sign up for a Japanese course soon XD

weekend

sing me a lullaby
haha yes this absoluteness that i'm been wishfully dreaming abt
"kimi shika hoshikunai~~~~"
=.='
the song is called 'love is blindness' by mr children






anw i'm nt really sure that work is getting better bt in one way or another, it's less boring
bt i need to take Japanese and i still sleep like dead everytime reach home T_T
urghhhhhhhh
which in turn reduces my time of reading and doing various other things =.='
darn it
well at least i kind of get a more social life, coming to koto practice and meet up w frens =.='
stillll you see my colleagues are too much older to hang out w me :'(
maaa... ganbatte ~
sore shika ienai no ><

T_T i couldnt do anything thse past few nights @_@
back frm work and just slept :|
that's so horrible ><
while i'm supposed to study Japanese, update on fandom, and watch varieties T_T
the only thing i managed to do is taking bath and ironing my clothes for the next day :|
it feels extremely insufficient and useless and incomplete =.='
haizzzzz
but even with that much sleep, it's still damn tiring T_T and i can still sleep anywhere and everywhere T_T
how?!
i need to overcome this stupid crisis =.=' and get over the boredom and exhaustion all this mundane daily stuff stuffed me with T_T
ganbatte ~
haiz

btw i came across this book left at the shelf by my friend, called THe lost childhood and other essays by Graham Greene :D
and couldnt help getting all hyper after reading the 1st chapter on how books may influence a child future...
well it's true that to a child, a book or some other form of communicating medium felt like some almighty existance when jst abt everything and anything was perceived as absolute and precise...
well the world changes when pple grow up and things lost their absoluteness ><
...
after 24 yrs of living with the so-called 'neutral'theory...that everything and anything always has limit, that there's a point when sth would exhaust, that there's no 'absolute' ang 'forever'
somehow lately i want some 'absoluteness' being around me ...
this sounds stupid bt it's like having this illusion that this'completeness' might still linger somewhere around on earth, maybe very subtly or may be it's just a form of of perception ><
sigh
well why not, being such a superficial being? why cant i desire for sth perfect and wholesome? haha lol
the logic sounds nonsense but well whatever i colddnt care less
that's my perception and my thought anw...

that's why when someone asks me what's the meaning of my VNese name... instead of the fairy in the moon, i chose 'eternal autumn' now LOL
it's completely irrelevant bt then and again, you know my randomness =.=
coz eternal, everlasting, for ever are those words i categorized as words that dont belong to this world coz there's no manifestation of it ... or so i thought
so using something like this for the meaning of my name... is like i somehow wanna accept there's some form of existence of this 'wholeness' and 'absoluteness'
...well that's it =.='

haiz
and i hate rainy mornings now since walking to my workplace is so troublesome and dirty T_T
ok time for work T_T

i couldne get over live performance ... it's always so captivating and overwhelming ...

self-motivate haha

well kinda get back to the normal pace and the ultimate fan girl mood ... or so i think
at least it lessened my emo time tremendously haha
well i'm just nt cut out for emo-ness anw :D
still... fact remains
i'm at nowhere in my life w nobody
bt i'm making efforts. i hope to see my progress in each and everyday ><
is it too greedy?

and much to my dismay, i'm still very much of a kiddish adult =.='
i still wanna go out and dress in casual clothes that i couldnt dress for work
i'm sick of the boring office attire with pants and proper looking shirts T_______T
see, i'm still very much superficial and kiddish! ><
bt i cant be helped =.='
haiz
and i wanna dye my hair in chocolate color. yeah i'm working bt so what?
doesnt mean i cant rite
since half of my office wear polo T and jeans for work >< why cant I dye my hair!!
and...sometimes i jst wanna throw a tantrum like a kid not being able getting her favourite toy=.='
sigh
oh well
and sometimes i jst need someone listening to my endless rambling and complaints
and i hate the landlord at my place with his utter pettiness T_T
sigh T______________T
man i need to socialize or else i'm gonna go crazy =.='
i wanna feel it...the passion and inspiration i got everytime walking out of a lecture in Arts faculty >.<
nt that i like to study though bt i wanna have that resolution, that will, that curiosity to learn more and to try my best ...
maybe boss should be in Singapore more and inspire me more man =.='
i dont want to wither away and waste all of my knowledge on boring tedious work ...seriously
nt that i regretted my choice
just that i'm wondering if it really works out
well anw i;m still trying my very best to work, to live on my own
so that there'll be nothing i should regret :D
rite
ganbarima~su
o(="=)o

was listening to this song haha
well it's damn emo and the performance is touching for some reason i cant comprehend bt the lyrics is cute and somehow i like the girl band and the name of the song

Secret base ~ kimi ga kureta mono by Zone



君と夏の終わり　将来の夢
大きな希望　忘れない
10年後の8月　また出会えるのを　信じて

最高の思い出を…

出会いは　ふっとした　瞬間　帰り道の交差点で
声をかけてくれたね「一緒に帰ろう」
僕は　照れくさそうに
カバンで顔を隠しながら
本当は　とても　とても　嬉しかったよ

あぁ　花火が夜空　きれいに咲いて　ちょっとセツナク
あぁ　風が時間とともに　流れる

嬉しくって　楽しくって
冒険も　いろいろしたね
二人の　秘密の　基地の中

君と夏の終わり　将来の夢
大きな希望　忘れない
10年後の8月　また出会えるのを　信じて

君が最後まで　心から
「ありがとう」叫んでたこと　知ってたよ
涙をこらえて　笑顔でさようなら
せつないよね　最高の思い出を…

あぁ　夏休みも　あと少しで　終わっちゃうから
あぁ　太陽と月　仲良くして

悲しくって　寂しくって
喧嘩も　いろいろしたね
二人の　秘密の　基地の中

君が最後まで　心から
「ありがとう」叫んでたこと　知ってたよ
涙をこらえて　笑顔でさようなら
せつないよね　最高の思い出を…

突然の　転校で　どうしようもなく
手紙　書くよ　電話もするよ
忘れないでね　僕のことを
いつまでも　二人の　基地の中

君と夏の終わり　ずっと話して　夕日を見てから星を眺め
君の頬を　流れた涙は　ずっと忘れない
君が最後まで　大きく手を振ってくれたこと　きっと忘れない
だから　こうして　夢の中で　ずっと永遠に…

君と夏の終わり　将来の夢
大きな希望　忘れない
10年後の8月　また出会えるのを　信じて

君が最後まで　心から
「ありがとう」叫んでたこと　知ってたよ
涙をこらえて　笑顔でさようなら
せつないよね　最高の思い出を…

最高の思い出を…

it's still abt growing up ... probablyT_T

haiz i dont even have time to be emo =.='
riding bus is always the time when i blank my mind and listen to Ohchan's voice
letting the sweet lullaby contain my mind and escaping frm all the mundane chaotic of daily routines =.='

when lunch time comes, sometimes, it just dawns on me how lonely i am, without friends and family
almost makes me cry out of bitterness sometimes... looking at the photo of my family
am i jst being stupid chasing after my dream, driving me away frm my dearest...
well just that i cant shake off this foolish dream coz it's probably the one strongest wish that motivates me each and every day ...
so just let this foolishness haunt my life until then

i wanna be spoiled by others =.='
damn it

and somehow i feel so wasted for everything i've been studying =.='
dont le me forget it all pls ><
and dont let me forget all my vocab as well T_T
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

work +_+

haiz my colleagues called it monday/tuesday blue 3:-o
yeah i also feel it that way
my Japanese boss and his assistant are nt ard again so no one to speak Japanese w T_t
what's more ><
seems that me assistant hates me and decides to use English w me instead of Jp ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
いやああああああああああああああだよ！
簡便してくれ！
well whatever =.='
since when i'm becoming so spoiled =.='
maybe ever since i was born
see, i'm starting to trout down nonsense and ilelligible stuff again jst to vent down my random frustration out of nothing at all @_@
i'm horribleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i just need to whine real hard T_T
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

mahh let me be T_T

haiz
the too-rich rotti prata hurts my stomach like hell the whole day T_T damn it
and the coffee doesnt make it any better =.='
and my drastic mood swing =.='
wth i am thinking gosh
what am i expecting =.=
haizZZZZZZZZZz

keep listening to Ohchan's solo in monster
if i can listen to it live in concert I'll probbly die on the spot due to acute overwhelmed-ness hahaha
but Ohchan's voice and that line in Monster is probably the only thing that calmed me down this whole long day =.='
from being nostalgia, bitter, bitchy, grumpy and sudden hyper and back to grumpy and moody again ==
nt exactly grumpy bt sth just bugs the hell out of me and i dont even know why TOT
anw, let's forget, i'm jst being childish and spoiled =.=' watever

and i alr made Ohchan's solo in monster into ringtone for my cell phone XXD
<3 :* oh dear

a note for a day

君の叫びで僕が目覚める、今宵の中で君を誘う！

rough translation ... it's your calling that I woke up, I will lure you tonight...
damn it sounds incredibly childish when somehow i just wanna hear this line so much haha
well, it's one of the lines in Monster by Arashi and it was Oh chan's solo beginning, ...so kinda explains my childish desire to have somebody said it to me LOL

=.='

anw, so today the boss and his assistant is back
well for better or for worse, just let me see how it's gonna be
and i definitely need to learn Japanese more seriously ... cant let this chance pass anymore ><

and my friend left for somewhere far far away =.='
well like always, i just hate it, farewell and having to say goodbye =.='
bt it's ok, i should be a grown-up and get over my childish sulk when things dont go my way =.='

at least hope that it wont be too rough and dangerous there ><
anw i have to go to bed or i'll literally die tmr at office with insufficient conscious and energy to work +_+

sigh

so so so ... (haha it's name of a solo of Ohchan's XD)

so today... more exatcly ytd was my 1st day at work =.='
haha it's kind of too mundane to say there's anything special
and boss and his assistant - the only Japanese in the office werent there =.='
sigh
so nothing exciting i mean
as i didnt get to use Japanese at all >.<
well anw the colleagues are generally friendly and nice
and the work is ok in a sense ...still like i said it's tedious and mundane
bt once in a while i did feel the 'responsibility' more than i ever felt in my life... coz this is real and serious business, leading to real gain or loss of money ... so i guessed i'm still nervous...
and the working time starts early +_+
maa ne
ganbarimashou ~

and i need to review Japanese soon +_+
and i want to make proper bento to work :((

and Ohchan's solo in Arashi's new album is just as expected xXXD
i mean i miss his warm, sweet, tender voice XXD LOL haha
dreaming on his dance for this solo in the coming concert XXD
:X :X :X