upon my endless wondering 2...

i amm at loss how to compose this entry
the reason is just simple as i once again failed to put my thoughts down =.='
with no beginning and no end, it makes people who actually tried to read my writing tired as well... i guess

just my old same nostalgia and endless wonder of this world
staying children is always the best as the need to look composed and withold yourself is at its lowest
whereas as an adult, selfishness does not have much of its space and the composed look is highly required...
or at least that's my perception
this is not to say that you have to try acting cool or fake
it's just that the more one grows up, the more he/she should think for others and tries to place themselves in others' position before judging anything or acting selfishly ...
and in the process of doing so, everyone accidentally builds up around them too many walls and hides themselves within those
thus i really think the connection between people and people should really be treasured since it was not easy at all for one to pass those invisible and incredibly high wall to approach other's true self

and being able to open up to anybody outside that wall is, in many ways another challenge itself
there's just too much doubts and anxiety and expectation to risk
first and foremost, in that distance between people and people, it requires more than mere sympathy and curiosity to try to reach out for each other
then, much of time and efforts and will is needed to overcome the difference or reach a compromise
and then much more efforts to maintain and prolong that relationship

just the thought of it tired me out completely
not to mention the situation that each individual is in, the opinion from the crowd which sounds quite irrelevant but does matter to certain level

yes people are difficult
relationship is tiring and frustrating
bt people cant help being involved in it and reach out for it
that's yet another irony of life

my point is certainly not about this irony of life or how realationship in any form btw human and human is difficult
i simply just am at that crossroad to make the decision... again
whether to reach out or just stay behind that wall, which is for all its reasons, safe and socially acceptable

and as usual my indecisiveness does not help while these inherent internal conflicts again collided a bit too harsh

and as usual i might just run away from it all and let my coward self wait for everything to unfold on its own
despite all the regret i may have afterwards
despite the me trying to affirm that it is not the righteous behavior -.-'

these days
amongst all of my floating nameless worry and my aching dreams
life is hard to deal with as of it now
and i do not have any wish to further its complication





i just want to be lost in my wonderland