listless as usual

nothing much for Christmas.
well i'm not Christian anw but i'd love it better if i can hang out w friends or simply stay in my bed reading my fav book and waiting for mom to call me for meals

well the thing is i dont like the place i'm staying here
so i kind of desperately need to go out anywhere every weekend...esp holidays +_+
esp the kinds of holidays and festival like this
or else i'll jst get homesick + irritation out of their insensitiveness =.=

and i failed to find someone accompanying me for today, which is of course upset me a lot but in a way, i can resolutely draw the line now hehe
it's all the more better like this :)

went to Changi just to find the feeling of fleeing somewhere far
and well the vast and empty terminal 3 sonehow is just right
not too crowded, not too happy and not too loud
it's just fine, quiet enough for me to read my book and lively enough to observe strangers and contemplating on my days

it feels nice to just blank your mind completely and let it float to some unapproachable sky haha

it calmed me down and somehow lessened my solitude

btw i'm reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy <3
it is just right for someone superficial as me haha


and i was assigned this task of re-designing my company's catalogue =.='
like wth rite o.O
well, i did have some ideas bt doing it is another altogether completely different matter =.='
well maybe i'll find back my passion for design haha

i seriously need to study Japanese =.=...it's deteriorating day by day T_T

sigh
somehow the thoughts of future's been hauting me these days
and the feeling of not beloging to anywhere's yet again circling my head
this kind of job leads me nowhere
it's jst seriously unstable and questionable... the aspect of being able to work for this company in Japan or even just remaining here for long

everytime i think about it, it only drowns my heart and kills my hope
what should i do...

and after these 3 years in Singapore i seriously have no idea where can i go +_+
will Japan be reacheable at that point of time ><

i hate my foolish naiveness which makes me simply believe everything
though pple often say it in a diplomatic manner than speak the truth of their thought =.=
and i cant recall how many times it upsets me this much discovering such +_+
still lessons are never learned +_+
urhgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

nvm it's life and reality =.='

oh how i need Arashi and Ohchan XD
they never ever fail my expectation haha
well just let me be deceived by this fantasy alone will do

man that's how i dont like grown-ups

let's go to Never land and never grow up haha

it's time to say goodbye

so the end of the year is coming again
2010 is fast ... in my opinion
or maybe getting old makes us more oblivious to time per se as personal space shrinks
and before you know it, another year of your so-called youth started to depart

it was fun and heart-warming for me the past weeks, receiving love and wishes from all of my dearests
reunion with friends jsut to realize that we're identical even now after all that time

just that there's always this tint of anxiety and vague awareness of an approaching farewell residing in me, mingled in between all warthm and joy

just like weavering between the bright and brilliant colors are strides of darker shades and shadows to smoothen the pictures of life and gives them the touch of liveliness

yes, farewell as in its literary and figurative meaning
a closing of, or a parting with whatever in my possession
'possession' might be a strong word
let's say whatever i'm holding dear

i detest it but then and again, it is just another unavoidable, inherent matter of life

and we tiny human have no say in it
absolutely no power

if there's ever an encounter, farewell in any form is bound to happen
the thought of it alone always saddens me tremendously

and i'm still resisting the process of becoming an adult haha
simply coz it's too complicated
=.='

but when i really think of it, it's yet again another irresistible matter
as of my current position, the eldest daughter, i cant be easy on myself
if anything ever happens, i'm supposed to be prepared and ready to bear the responsibility towards my family

to fend for myself alone is a complete different matter
and up to now, i only think about being responsible for myself and my life =-.='

whereas i also have to look after my sister and my parents
man i'm too selfish and self-centered
the universe is not created for me alone for god sake =.='

but just the thought of it is too tough for the me of now =.='
i mean i'm still nt that strong to brag that i can be fine on my own, let alone if anything ever happens...

life is hard on its own
so just the thought of it , of a life without my family is impossible to imagine
inconceivable
as if 90% motivation and vitality-supply of my life will vapour
after all, living is all the more difficult than chosing to leave a life without a stable shelter to nail it down

it's just horrible and inconceivably painful

... and whatever intention i may have is still not firmly formed yet... which makes everything looks dangersouly shaky +_+

i still need to work harder on becoming a full grown-up ... i guess
maaa.... ganbare!!!

and these days i hate myself for relying too much on people's kindness =.='
independency is a must man +_+

again... on self-reflection

=.=' i cant be any more disappointed with myself =.='
urghhhhhhh
too many events happened at once kind of block all your energy to contemplate on your life
i cant believe i could spend all the supposedly free time to surf Internet in office @_@
while in fact i could've used it to do more research and learn more abt the company and how it works @_@
i cant believe that i nearly intend to go to meet my customer with a virgin blank mind :|
like wth
where's this nonchalant attitude from man =.='
while i should've been more worried abt meeting customer and would i be able to translate and help connecting the conversation
arghhhhhh
my boss spoiled me T_T


i'm such a spoiled brat ... frm home to school and now ...t o work @_@

i need to change or else i'll definitely become that guy O_O

and i went back on every single promise that i made @_@
like studying Japanese ... blaming the busy schedule of performance and practice =.=
like trying to save ... blaming that it's necessary stuff ?!!

yesterday i met my Japanese friend
and she again reminds me of self-reflection and hard work
and i felt ashamed of myself ...
for not trying hard enough =.=
urghhhhhh

and i dreamt of mom scolding me last night on how i spent money and my time ...
i was really frustrated in my dream
...so frustrated that i woke up and found out it's just a dream
i miss mom and wanna go home badly

and even if i boasted on following my way and chasing my dream
i did nothing much so far
:|

sighhhhhhhhhh
i hate me for being easy on myself and let others spoil me @_@

i hate it that i'm still at the very starting point of the journey
or even a bit behind ^_$*#_%(@_

and all i can think of is looking forward to gathering and date O_O
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
THIS IS SO WRONG T_T
i cant live my life this way man D:

queen of drama =.=' urghhh

these days i take sleeping as my pleasure =.='
it sounds damn pathetic bt no matter how much i slept i dont feel that it's enough +_+
wth
sleeping is enjoyable yet the best way to waste your utterly limited time ever +_+
i cant watch my tv shows or read any books and simply just threw all the time that i should've been using for studying Japanese over the window... for sth pathetic as sleeping

i hate myself for indulging me so much T_T
the moment you start to go easy with yourself, right then your youth starts to wane away hopelessly +_+
bt then and again
excuse 1 .for girls, insufficient of sleep leads to higher chance of gaining weight, fastening aging process ... and adding up to your stupid face haggard look is no less pathetic

sigh
yeah superficialness runs in my blood bt so what
people said dont judge a book on its cover....yet fact remains people tend to choose things for its outer-appearance appeal 1st and foremost =.='
that's just how this damn world runs

excuse 2. without sleeping THAT much +_+ my brain cant function very well the enxt day
argjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

--> conclusion IHATE MYSELF FOR BEING USELESS @_@ and EASY!
with all this stupid sleeping time T_T
just forgot abt just being updated to this world of changes, let alone to reflect on your life and chase your dream

am i this HOPELESS =.=
and the most unforgivable thing is ...i still damn enjoy my life as of it now @_@
of course not in the sense that i've achieved my goal or wahtsoever
i jst cant make myself emo or depressed or whatsoever

i am born happy and hyper ! and how come it is giving me all the headache now T_t

as a grown-up, i need to be updated, to reflect upon my self all the time and to not lose sight of my dream

and sadly, december just happens to be my month of joy and rest +_+

equals: this situation may just continue and i'll be here on my blog complaining on how useless i am and how i wasted my time watching my youth wither away @_@

anw new resolution for next yr =.=

1. STUDY Japanese everyday at least 1 hr no matter what (highly doubted=.=)
2. spend less and SAVE
3. STRICT to myself
4. work harder
5. chase my dream... still

...

........
who can enlighten me on how to discipline the self +_+



on a lighter note...
going to perform this piece tonight
it's really a nice piece :)