it's time to say goodbye

so the end of the year is coming again
2010 is fast ... in my opinion
or maybe getting old makes us more oblivious to time per se as personal space shrinks
and before you know it, another year of your so-called youth started to depart

it was fun and heart-warming for me the past weeks, receiving love and wishes from all of my dearests
reunion with friends jsut to realize that we're identical even now after all that time

just that there's always this tint of anxiety and vague awareness of an approaching farewell residing in me, mingled in between all warthm and joy

just like weavering between the bright and brilliant colors are strides of darker shades and shadows to smoothen the pictures of life and gives them the touch of liveliness

yes, farewell as in its literary and figurative meaning
a closing of, or a parting with whatever in my possession
'possession' might be a strong word
let's say whatever i'm holding dear

i detest it but then and again, it is just another unavoidable, inherent matter of life

and we tiny human have no say in it
absolutely no power

if there's ever an encounter, farewell in any form is bound to happen
the thought of it alone always saddens me tremendously

and i'm still resisting the process of becoming an adult haha
simply coz it's too complicated
=.='

but when i really think of it, it's yet again another irresistible matter
as of my current position, the eldest daughter, i cant be easy on myself
if anything ever happens, i'm supposed to be prepared and ready to bear the responsibility towards my family

to fend for myself alone is a complete different matter
and up to now, i only think about being responsible for myself and my life =-.='

whereas i also have to look after my sister and my parents
man i'm too selfish and self-centered
the universe is not created for me alone for god sake =.='

but just the thought of it is too tough for the me of now =.='
i mean i'm still nt that strong to brag that i can be fine on my own, let alone if anything ever happens...

life is hard on its own
so just the thought of it , of a life without my family is impossible to imagine
inconceivable
as if 90% motivation and vitality-supply of my life will vapour
after all, living is all the more difficult than chosing to leave a life without a stable shelter to nail it down

it's just horrible and inconceivably painful

... and whatever intention i may have is still not firmly formed yet... which makes everything looks dangersouly shaky +_+

i still need to work harder on becoming a full grown-up ... i guess
maaa.... ganbare!!!

and these days i hate myself for relying too much on people's kindness =.='
independency is a must man +_+