with the changing season and the passage of time..

November....

I've finished Far from the Madding crowd by Thomas Hardy

As I had blogged earlier on Thomas Hardy and his writings, it was such a delight to read his composition with the well-versed English, thoughtful comparison and gorgeous scenery depiction; all was written as if to bewitch your eyes and steal your heart, left you to ponder again, on the magic of language, of talents and of literature.

I guess I need to find something either vainly beautiful or exotically extreme intense content to keep my attention and to move my heart, awake my mind to simply appreciate life and its wonder...


writing about you and my mess of thoughts

could not help feeling my heart fluttering when my eyes found you
and my physical body would naturally move on its own with that genuine joy, reaching out for you
as a kid reaching out to be loved and caressed

could not help feeling at peace at times when you find comfort resting in my arms

could not help feeling the excitement being lifted up by you

could not help feeling the affection when you would try to come into physical contact with me, reaching out just to let me know you're paying attention whenever I act bored and unconcerned

could not help feeling the bitter realization when you act fine on your own, as if i am irrelevant and insignificant
and there i was, chewing painfully on my solitude, like i was again and again betrayed by the world and all of my ideal thoughts for it
was it the price one has to pay when one lets oneself be vulnerable
am i still asking and expecting too much when i simply ask to be with you within the hectic schedule that i might not see you at all
and that was like those few connections and basic commitment that required to maintain a relationship...


today i was reading through the pages of The World of Yesterday by Stefan Zweig when I came across the term 'unconditional commitment / devotion"
i guess it is so painful and heartbreaking to give yourself fully into something "totally unconditional"
we all try to cooperate but only within our comforting zone, with conditions and expectations, reasonable or not, as a supporting evidence and as a energy source for us to advance forwards in our own endeavor
yet this is unconditional we are talking about
devote yourself wholly and completely, selflessly and unfaltering-ly
totally expecting nothing in return but just pressing forward, fueled only by your ideology, faith and your sole willpower
it sounds almost like absolute altruism, utter independence yet solitude, marvelous strength yet vulnerability, and endless sacrifice to me
it sounds like something intrinsically alien to human nature of greed and selfish though
maybe we should all speak in terms of moderation and neutral rather than radical, absolute and extreme, than it might make sense

unconditional

that is still something one must learn to comprehend and practice their whole life
i guess

i cant possibly say or describe how hurt it must be if one was to feel betrayed, isolated, disappointed and opposed by those one treasure the most
... right
and it hurts to familiarize yourself with that fact "let's face it, everyone in the world is gonna hurt you"
again maybe i should just think in terms of neutrality and moderation then?

-------------------------------------

December....

And I was watching October sky, a story about the son of a coal mining worker dreaming to launch his rocket after being inspired by the Sputnik.

A typical story about social class struggling against the social norms and stereotypes, in even the so-called land of freedom, America, where the most impossible dream still remains its wildest hope to come true through sheer effort and faith.

Amidst my exhaustion of work and the so-called human relationship, the story touches me deep, with a note of sympathizing how harsh life and the idea of living is, especially for people coming from certain social class and profession that are perceived low and unrefined in society.　Yet, their effort to strive forward and reach out to their dreams despite being crushed by social prejudice thousands and thousands times... not all story has a happy ending but we still need to insist that one must not, in any case, yield into fate and hardships, that when one at the deepest and toughest depths of sufferings, they are more than ever the closest to their dreams and their goal. The higher it is, the tougher it gets but the goods will still prevail and it is human faith to keep on going. That would make the difference.

Let's still believe in life and that ideology.

....

It was my birthday and he was overseas on urgent business trip.
We were not able to spend it together and he did not even send me a happy birthday message.
When I called to check, he seemed to be quite exhausted, drunk and all...
so needless to say how the normal and non-expectant me was dejected and ...disappointed even with my lowest expectation ever for a birthday
even though i know he just does not know how to show how he cares

and then he made me wait the whole evening knowing that i was dying to see him and i'd definitely be waiting while I dont like to wait at all
i knew he'd probably overslept but it would do just text me saying he's too tired to come
yet he did not
he tried his best to make me not disappointed, coming at 11.50pm something despite being all tired and sick
oh boy, no matter how angry i was, how could i not forgive and forget it in instance
my roller coaster feelings just gets wilder because of him
he just knew exactly how to make me worry, how to please me, how to get me care, and how to make me laugh
doesnt he?
he just does not show it, as he always is

and he would look all sick and exhausted despite saying that he's going to be fine
no matter how exhausted i was for the day, feeling faithless and lifeless, I could help but longing to see him to check if he is faring well or to talk to him to listen to his soothing assuring yet emotionless tone
like I could not forget or abandon this little boy that needs my care and affection, even though he always acts as if he does not need it one bit

it is frustrating and worrying, watching him being sick and suffering
cause you cant do anything at all to help

...........
and i dont know if my words at the drinking party would hurt him
if he thinks about it or if it matters at all
i am by no means ever meant to hurt him even in the slightest manner
the big yet delicate boy that keeps worrying the 'prone-to-get-worried me" all the time

maybe being with you is not all about feeling being cared for and treated like a princess
maybe it is more about practicing caring and unconditional devotion, like that of a mother, giving without asking for "anything" back
would i be able to do that at all?

.............
"I dont know if this relationship is for me"...
whenever such though finds it way wandering into my mind, my heart would be tramped and wounded all over, fixating on how cold and unconcerned you always show up to be, or how mindless and nonchalant you are towards my affair
and the bare truth that everyone is alone in this world was repeating loudly within my ears
and leaving you probably equals to leaving Japan in my heart
such combination without any bright aspect of future could really inflict a fatal wound on me
... you know
but i would try to remind myself you will act cool as if nothing happens yet in the depths of your heart, an incurable wound would spread like cancer in the most silent manner, doing the wildest harm from within to your physics
and that idea would make me cringe on the spot
as i cant bear the thought that i might be the one who cause you pain...even though the whole thing might just be my imagination... is it only my imagination then?

my insecurity damned it

and i would think we are not meant to be soulmates
again, if this is just only my imagination
i know, my insecurity! damned it

maybe i was too fixated on being let down
and forgetting how you would remember each small details in my daily endless talk to you
i really mean that coz i would find myself surprised at how you still recall it while it has long gone from my mind
you do care, dont you
in your own clumsy and weird way
my dear sweet boy

this is how you would always make me cry and make me miss you, as the whole manifestation of life and, probably "love"

..............

and another year is going to pass
this December marks 29 years I am existing on the Earth
a frightening figure right
and painfully this is the period i think of "death" as wanting to join it the most by far in my years of existence
i guess it must be just the exhaustion of earning a living, of being constantly let down and tramped on my your own ideology, of the realization of having no single entity i could thrust my whole faith and rely on, even just in a spiritual manner

i really need a single nail to hold me back
and something to make my heart dance once in a while, feeling the joy of life in all its manifestation
am I asking for too much, still?

so here and there, my scattering thoughts on becoming 29
i hope the my world just would not get any darker than it is now
and my faith in human beings and the beauty of life prevails
and my heart and patience for you remains intact
and my heart could dance the waltz of joy, appreciating life in all its manifestation

on my endless wandering - swallowed by the hearts

So here I am, being utterly loss and clueless as of where to go and where to head to

Yes, I’m facing the so-called quarter-life crisis (or mid-life crisis haha) if you fancy the term

Again, many things somehow seem out of control to me

Well, I’m at the kind of loss after you finally reached certain purposes and you start to wonder what should be your next

Should it be your place to settle or should you just keep moving on?

Is it too early or is it too late or simply just not the time yet?

Am I going anywhere near the life I want

I know for sure that most of people are living their life, clueless of what they are heading to… but isn’t it how life is supposed to be

Like you just have to live it, the so-called damn life

And at times like these, the term “the anguish of living” just popped out in my mind

It all suddenly sounds extremely troublesome to ever do or achieve anything at all

Human beings are selfish and greedy creatures, extending their “being” without knowing anything called limits or satisfaction.

Or is it just me? LOL

Either I’m demanding too much or I am thinking too much on this subject.

What is it in life after all?

This time last year, I was struggling to find my place in my probably most favorite place in the world, Japan….

This time this year, I am at a loss whether I should settle here or set myself another destination and work　to move on? Haha

Even though I am not very willing to go through all the tough times I’ve been through again ..

I would find myself dreaming of some destination or contemplating on how blessed I am, being here and now in this place and time, with wonderful things and awesome people I’ve met… yet the farewell of it all does seem like an invisible ghost threatening to come every now and then when I feel incomplete 

...





the above was written like a month ago

the me now was more or less calmer, or my unstable and insane mess is just lurking somewhere, waiting for its chance to mercilessly ooze out wiping off all my effort to remain sane and calm



was it a blessing in disguise or was it a bless after all ? the fact that I was with you



or maybe it is all just the work of human psychology

people dont appreciate what they have at the present and always color their past melancholic



but i did make a choice

i did ask to be involved

just that every single time i think it's okay to try my best and press ahead, to make effort to connect and settle myself here

things would just happen questioning my resolution and wavering my heart



as if love is a miserable thing and i am asking for too much with too little input

and if such was to be the fact, then all to do would just to blame myself

but was it all to be worked on

maybe... i'm just as clueless



a human heart is a complicated organ, let alone the heart of a maiden



it is both entertainingly intriguing yet equally agonizing thinking about how human heart works, acts, beats, aches, joys, tenders and breaks



again i'm wandering aimlessly and buried in my own abyss of thoughts

could someone extend that single signalling light again

on my endless frustration

these days I am building a new routine: walking
as to free and blank my mind
it's truly soothing at some point
and it's lonely at some other point
but it's relaxing and certainly, a good way to train your body and calm your soul
well at least it should be useful in burning some of my redundant calories T-T (that I've acquired due to the threatening fall effect)

at some point it seems as if I am running away from my problems a
cant be helped since i just want my time and space
invested for my own hobby and precious people I'd love to be with
work and the notion of devoting to work is not for me and probably not for many in my generations
we demand more than just a work to pay the bill and a life that only knows work

watched a Night train to Lisbon and Grace of Monaco lately.
Both movies left me with a lot to think

Night train to Lisbon is like a novel in which each line stops you to ponder, considering its beautiful wording and contemplating on its thought-provoking nature when it questions life and your purpose

Grace of Monaco is yet another story of women and their struggle to protect their family and their happiness even in such a fairy tale settings, being married to European Royal.
There is this line that kept repeating in my mind over and over again
"At some point, fairy tale has to end. Love is about obligations..." or something along the line
obligations, devotion, dedication and sacrifice
that is my idea of love and marriage
it is not that I'm not ready for it all
but i need a partner who are willing to go at great length with the same devotion, patience and compassion to accompany through thick and thin

sometimes i was taken aback at my triviality and anger
the anxiety and anger that brought along from the accumulated stress and your dissatisfaction with everything around
and i would remind myself to sit back and shift to a more objective view, to laugh at myself and be generous to everyone around, to be fair and just and understanding despite the situation
well the situations never let me prolong these thoughts though
which irritates you all the more
why do i have to turn this way? i would find myself explode at some point
and i cant forgive that fact
i wont want to vent it out on anyone i love omg

suddenly my entry turns to trivial complaints and frustration again
as my student time haha
i thought i'd be more mature and grown up now and i thought i'd write some beautifully composed sentence that makes my mind contemplate when i read it some time later
now, it is just endless complaints OMG T-T

and certainly i talk to you and think of you and us ... a lot
and i am quite uncertain of anything possibly called 'future'
i dont know
certainly all i want is to dote on you and treat you as gentle as can be
certainly i love and appreciate to be loved by you
but then comparison and reflection always venture in
and i would think if you are the 'right' one (if the idea of a perfectly suitable match is still conceivable) and if we should carry on
maybe you are much rationale and thoughtful than you appear to be
which is what i should appreciate in view of my impulsive and rash nature
and i would be reminded of how you would make your time listening to my endless complaints
how you would remember everything about me and my ramblings
how you would honestly say what you think and reveal your uncertainty
how you would show your affection in even the quirkiest way
...
so be it my resolution
as long as you decide not to let go of me, i will stay right beside you
since I made the decision to tame you and i must be responsible for it
since we are unique in regard to each other existence in this whole universe, because we had decided to involve in each others' life


things on my mind lately
of course it is about you and our future
about my current job and my timing to leave
white shadows of Cold play
Yann Tiersen
and Night train to Lisbon
walking and diet (so trivial i know lol)

devotion is not just a simple word you can utter at ease

on my unsure disposition

i've been having this urge to trot down something about you, yet somehow i couldnt find that spur of inspiration or a peek of feelings to start
i decided to write something anyway

maybe being with you is not about that intensity of feelings or that supplementary chemical reaction that decidedly makes it the ultimate best
call it calm or dispassionate
as i couldnt be so sure that my existence is of necessity to you
even the depths of your eyes seem to tell me that it is gaining some significance nonetheless

if i were to flee and abandon it all, would it be me to be hurt or would it be otherwise?
all the time you would appear so firm and reliable yet utterly fragile and vulnerable
as though you wouldnt know if you were hurt even though the wound done to you might be fatal
as if your heart wears a steel coating that is only to contain some crazy stuff to prevent it disturbing the others while not capable of warding off any harmful deed to your glassy heart
so the content might just be shattered thoroughly while the outer layer remains cold hard steel
...that always caught me in my thought at any moment
i would startle wondering whether you are fine even though i was steaming off and determined to ignore you seconds before

and you were always there, stagnantly waiting for me to draw you out of your cold steel coat, while poignantly calming your emotions and unknowingly killing your inside in the act
and all i need to do is to gently touch your cold exterior by my simplest care to let your warm substance oozing out in such loving and tender way.... like your cold steel was never in existence in the first place

at times i would be reminded of how similarly i was in the past, shy, passive, try to act cool as if i dont give a damn, questioning and doubting the world, distancing and isolating myself from the crowd or anything i judge uncool, childish and selfish in all my moves
and i know i was just waiting for someone to patiently pat my head and hug me lovingly, asking if i 'm doing okay.. as any girl would secretly hope from their deepest wish
maybe you are just like that little girl in me, can't be bothered to reach out

at times i would wonder what you have been put through
as to make you the person you are now
and i would earnestly want to protect you at any cost, from everything that might harm you in any unconscious way
yet your steel exterior would surface again, lurking around sending off cold waves as if to call for my childish side to act cool and throw my tantrum at you

when i jokingly call you "the unmotivated passionless man", you would laugh it off and quietly correct me that you are not that cool
certainly i always know that you are not that cool even though your attitudes exude such aura
and i would remind myself the thousands times i am preparing to ignore you that you are not that cool at all
in my imagination, you truly are that childish sweet boy, silently and motionlessly waiting for the things he wants to come and search for him in a dark corner, refuses to make any move even though his whole life might be dependent on that
oh dear
what am i to do
as the more i typed down these words, the longer my sigh grows along with my thousands nameless worry about you

at times you would appear so unsure of your ability, yet it always turns out that you are much more capable than what you thought
that's the cool side of you that i admire
and it feels like it is my responsibility to make you feel more confident of yourself at times like those

at times you would woo me away, carrying me like a princess and making me feel like a princess
a kind of feeling i hardly have chance to experience
certainly i love it, so much that i dont know how to express my joy and my gratitude to you

and you always hold me closed in your sleep
making me feel safe
easing out my troubled sleep

i wonder if you are thinking of me the way i am always thinking and contemplating on being with you
and i have the feeling that you probably dont
well, i dont know if it is better off that way

on a thousand and one doors to the journey of the heart

07/07/2015
today is Tanabata, July 7th, a day when you write your wish on a colorful note and hang them onto bamboo tree in Japan
It is also accompanied with the story of the lovers who only unite once a year on this day when the milky way would form a bridge to bring them together
upon writing this line, a sudden question comes to my mind... did I ever feel sorry for them at all?
not that I remember...ever since I was a child
but I've always felt sorry and sympathetic for the little mermaid or the girl in red shoes in Andersen's story
maybe the torture and misery of waiting in solitude has always been inscribed unbearable in me since childhood

on remembering my uneventful yet loving weekend...

even with all the ugly doubts and ridiculous questions I've built up on my mind, questioning about the future and the possibility of a "us"
they are all vanished at the sight of him stepping in my door with his warmest smile, lovingly tendering my heart
as if a long-awaited seed of joy suddenly sprung out at last in its strongest force
and i cant help yielding in unconditionally
somehow that sounds stupid and i might look like a fool, bt why not
dont they always say love is illogical and inexplicable

10/07/2015
at times i feel helpless interpreting my own feelings,
as if things and emotions run through me too fast,
like water flowing through a fast-current stream, fast come and fast gone,
leaving no time to taste and ponder upon its heartbreaking sweetness or its joyful pain

wonder if it is that people in their late 20s feel this way?
vaguely in love with their definition and ideology of love, commitment and marriage in their mind
or was it that work, the reality of living, the selfishness one builds up to protect oneself from being hurt, that makes them empty, lost, cold and oblivious?

like there is something inherently lacking and insufficient in the whole process...
for I should have devoted and cherished it in a much more precious and affectionate manner

at times i am just at a total loss, afraid if i were too selfish or imposing too much while a 'we' is still newly and delicately created

and at times i just turn out too emotional, tearing myself up at the recall of the tiniest gestures, or the most casual promise
wonder if my mess of emotions is just too much to even let it leaking out drop by drop

and there were times i feel like acting childish, the way a child calling for attention
like coolly walking away despite 98% of my inside screaming out loud, waiting for the one and significant person to stop and held me back forcefully
yes, i know, now, this sounds absolutely childish and stupid :-s

is this the anxiety one inevitably faces when they start to loosen their protective nest, breaking down their solid wall to reveal their glassy heart to someone else?

at times i couldnt help feeling like i was building up this whole illusion alone, on my own
like it was a single-sided kind of affection and that it was bound to be broken when the patience and tolerance ran out
as if i were some kind of dependent creature and had nothing to offer
and at times i am doubtful of my own tolerance and devotion
as if some string inside me would suddenly snap, coercing me to leave it all and walk out, hurting the one i love and acting as if i were never like them in the first place

and here i thought i am more or less somewhere near the adult boundary
well, it is human's most complicated and inexplicable emotion we are talking about here right
guesst i cant be helped then

amid all of my roller coaster feelings
my mind sometimes still wander to the thought of you
in a vaguely nostalgic and vaguely melancholic manner

  


 

should it be called "the anguish of living"

monday comes, sweeping away all the energy stored up from your rest in the weekend

was it the horrid fact that human including me selfishly moving on their own benefit in circumstances, turning themselves into ruthless beast, trampling on every other's hearts as long as it doesnt concern their own territory 

ruthless cold-heart beast that just assumes any identity wherever it fits

and certainly, i was not any exception

and that hurts and disappoints me the worst

as i failed to adhere to and act on my own integrity

does living in this so-called society mean that one has to devil-ize oneself in the process?

that one needs to crush others' path in order to protect their own interest and their own precious ones?

even if the initiation of the devil deed was not done by them, their silence and their onlookers position almost equivalently adopts the same stance, that of the partner in crime and of no less cruel

was it the return of the solitary night that scares the heart which has been reawakened with that unforgettable taste of the kind of possessive caress, the kind of timid yet resolved tenderness, the kind of addictive delightful warmth... 

was it just the single fact that my brains started to register the physical needs for you, to yearn for you, for your scent, for your touch, for your embrace, for the world of our own, within and without the ache of living life as it is

it must be these things that has been squeezing and tightening my heart all the while

and hearing your voice alone has unleashed it all

as if the pain of living this life on one's own, becoming a devil in disguise, just grows too  overwhelmed to contain, too heavy of a burden to shoulder and it bursts at the finest trigger, at the quiet sound of your soft laughter alone

as if your voice reminds me of being a me with just me and our world 

and i cant help but wishing for it, to be in your embrace, to forget about it all,

the anguish of living and carrying on on my own

...or maybe it is all only an illusion, a fantasizing world that I fabricate in my head 

another dimension of the unreal paradise only in our conception

on initiation - an irrevocable process

these days, time floats about in such a manner that before i register all the happenings, days and weeks passed, in a blink of an eye, like the light summer breeze cooling your sensation for a moment before sweeping its way off, leaving you all dazed and listless

if it was the 18 years old me, i would've spent my nights recollecting and recalling each special moments, gestures, sensation of the touch, the quietness of his whisper, the warmth of his body temperature, the lingering body scent peculiar of his own, the hesitate yet apparent affection in his kiss, the soft yet commanding force with that childish touch of possessiveness that makes you feel needed and loved...
i would've spent my time remembering and engraving them on my mind in the fashion a child hide away her treasures in her small secret trunk of memory    
while feeling my heart quivers and trembles in responding to the feeling aroused every singular moment
and i would've fallen into sleep in that gentle sweet lullaby with that naivety of a young heart, loving and yearning for love, in all its namely ideal forms of heartache and affection

yet, the me now has not the energy for that engraving ritual every night any longer

call it the brutality of reality that garnishes your physical mind with all the fatigue and exhaustion from the daily routines, drain your mentality off of all the vividness of memories, suck the vitality of your dreams and inspiration, steal all the sharpness your senses
in the process, disquieting the joy and with it, all the quivering notes your heart had produced in reciprocal to the given stimulation
trampling on your innocent longing and anticipation for more

as if your heart has been wearing out bit by bit, too exhausted by the mundane process of life to appreciate the luxury of love
and the sole duty of carrying on with life exhausts all your energy and dull all your senses
all is left is the ugly selfishness and the unequivocal emptiness

life has always pulls its trick on us
is it true that the more we mature and age, the less receptive our heart grow towards other beings and the more oblivious it become in the tantalizing of love and affection
even though one wish they could've tasted and devoted the sweetest to their true lifetime companion
it sounds almost unfair at the idea while it certainly is not
still, i'd wish to shower whoever arrives at the end with the me at my very best and no less

once in a blue moon i would think if all can end swiftly in an instant so i could be released of this burden, of carrying on with duties and responsibility
yes, only once in a blue moon
but upon arriving on this kind of reckless thought, one realizes they need a solid foothold, some tangible, powerful and commanding force to seize them, unyieldingly and uncompromisingly, fiercely and vehemently denying them from their negation and entry for fleeing it all
like gravity to keep us attached to the earth
like a magnet field to endlessly hold me closed and never let go

i made the choice to be willingly blind again
this time certainly there is no return, but at least it looks like the me is needed no less than the I who crave for it .. at least for the time being
we made a choice to be tamed by each other and then, we shall need each other
"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.To me, you will be unique in all the world.To you, I shall be unique in all the world." -The Little Prince
for I may not have been able to let my body completely rewire yet, but it is set and bound to be
for the seed has started to root and ready to deepen

to consciously choose to inter-be and involve in each other's life
to venture in our darkness, drink our loneliness and taste our toxic
to be the exclusive shadow under the scorching sun and the sole shelter on stormy night
to exude the warmth comfort in the belief that the other needs your existence
so this is probably my first entry about you and the beginning of us, my dear sweet shy boy

On Thomas Hardy

The phases of Boldwood's life were ordinary enough, but his was not an ordinary nature. That stillness, which struck casual observers more than anything else in his character and habit, and seemed so precisely like the rest inanition, may have been the perfect balance of enormous antagonistic forces -  positives and negatives in fine adjustment. His equilibrium disturbed, he was in extremity at once. If an emotion possessed him at all, it ruled him; a feeling not mastering him was entirely latent. Stagnant or rapid, it was never slow. He was always hit mortally, or he was missed.

From 'Far from a madding crowd ' by Thomas Hardy

I would have to admit I've instantly fallen for Thomas Hardy's amazing method of description, on landscape, on time and especially when presenting image of a character.
These powerful lines above from Far from a madding crowd, conjure a perfect description of a character's outlook, and at the same time reveal partially the essence of their characteristics; which is absolutely enchanting and desirable.
The moment your eyes skim through them is the moment they are coerced to divert and return to the same passage once more, just to drink in those beautifully constructed words and let their effect sink in, and one finds themselves fallen into a dreamy state of admiration, contemplating on the wonderful delight of literature and language
One would wonder if there could have been any better way at all to just reproduce the very same impression
yes, it is definitely drug to your mind, arousing, hypnotizing and irresistible
this is exactly how one falls in love with literature, feeling inexplicably touched and inspired by the exquisite treat that language in the name of literature offers

On another note, June has arrived with its dampened air, cloudy sky and rain
Accept from my strange sleeping pattern, of unable to sleep straight and keep waking up every 2-3hrs of sleep @-@, and my body reaction to the seasonal change by acting up with strange allergic symptoms, other things look like they're moving onwards with some prospect, positive or not I have not yet to know. Well, things will reveal their courses in a matter of time

In your late twenties, and especially going through my kind of experiences, you stop romanticizing and fantasizing the prospect of love, relationship and marriage
one start to realize that everything requires certain effort, commitment and devotion to keep everything going on
well, it is not to say that the intervention of what seems like fate and destiny play any less important role, as I still hold some faith in what the wheel of fortune has on hand for that magical click to move forward
but it is to say that without one personal compassion and voluntary involvement in the form of compromising and devotion, it is not easy for things to progress in this period of time when human selfishness is high on the tide

in order to listen and to be listened to right

just that I have this strange mood swing of high and low notes striking every now and then in their known uncontrollable manner

Well, I'd come back for more quote from Thomas Hardy's for appreciation of the literary beauty

patience and modesty are things I need to work on, i guess @.@
somehow this piece fits well with this entry :D

P.S. and for not entirely incomprehensible a reason, the sounds of French and French songs totally captivates me recently, with its strongest gravity up to date

Katie Melua - What I Miss About You (Live)

The new way that love had made me see,
Your bashful grin when you asked if I would like your key.
The knowing way you used to caress me,
That's what I miss about you.

You stole in with your starry smile exciting me,
Driving with you in your new car, feeling free.
If it's true that love is blind, then I was blind willingly,
You made me feel we had a future, that could be and would be.





Maybe after all, I just miss the idea of being in an affair with you
or the idea that I was accepted and loved for who i am
or the idea that we seem like a perfect match
yes, i was absolutely willingly cover my sight because of you


and i was selfishly advancing saying that i'm not too sure if this effort could be maintained after all, which is probably one of the most selfish act one could draw upon another

as if you went on injecting your venomous fang that paralyzes the other while at the same time saying that it is none of your responsibility and that you are uncertain if your venom is strong enough to kill them off completely or just leave them hanging around half-dead and unable to move on

That is irresponsible and awfully cruel
You made a choice of injecting that venom and just remember that you have no way to return the victim to their original state
There is already no way to return ... as a sane and responsible human

in May

a quote from someone

"There is nothing worse than meeting the perfect person at the wrong time"

if I were to sum up today in one word
it should be wounded
and i hate it

this horrid dreadful feeling of disappointment that is always lurking around, waiting to sufface at any moment given, with all its power and vitality to force me retreat to doubts and distrust, abandoning any worthy expectation and anticipation that has ever been harboured

and i am in no mood to write about it now

if the starting point is without any expectation, one could not possibly be disappointed in whatever the outcome maybe

blame me for being the easily trusting person I've always been
blame me for always amounting any tiny drops of anticipation and wishful thoughts along the way


I'm just no good dealing with disappointment
to be honest, it feels like being betrayed by the world, and the only one to blame is yourself to ever wish and hope for something in the first place

it hurts every now and then upon realizing that the fact that you've always ended up building up some kind of expectation somehow, only to be drown out in disappointment and dejection again and again

even when the effort of not hoping for any desirable outcome is made
even when i try to detach and reverse the whole process every once in a while, of hoping too much out of anything or becoming too dependent on any relationship

and what else

it sounds silly but whenever i recall that surreal dream, my eyes cant help forming these tears, as if all your body is earnestly focus on this single task of remembering and collecting all the affection and feelings we had onto this singular dream, making it impossible to remain composed, breaking you down in an instant, swiftly and effortlessly piercing through the deepest corner of your heart

it is heartaching even in the act of putting this into words, as it repeats the whole process of being reminded of all the sensation and thoughts
of a now without you and a past with us
of a place where I can be assured that 80% of my thoughts are at least getting across, endearing and cherished by someone

of a perfect shelter i have not found yet in any others

it sounds pathetic right? but i'm just a girl after all
and at times i'm lost under the forces of those hundreds of rapid currences
overwhelmed by its ruthless lie and cruelty
feeling helpless and alone in this universe
feeling the need to be reassured, sheltered

alone in the universe

it is not awkward for someone of the wildest mood swing as me to just suddenly cry
not strange at all

well, i do wonder why it happened myself anyway and try to reason the cause
most of the time

it is by no means easy to pinpoint what the exact cause is

most of the time, it's probably just a surge of emotion in a spur of moment causing by the accumulated frustration, dissatisfaction, disappointment in me, the world and the people surrounding

all it needs is the combination of some right stimulant


the act of crying certainly induces physical pain in the process
like the inevitable throb of a wrenching heartache, like the acute pain when your eyes are dictated to produce water in such a urgent and abrupt manner

do you sometimes feel left out as if none in the world could have understood what is going on your mind
as if it it would've been great if just 80% of what we were trying to convey is comprehended and shared
and you feel as a lone empty can left forgotten in the corner of the world

the Earth contines to revolve in its rythm and people are moving non-stop, too caught up in whatever business on their minds

and it is you staying still, trying to contemplate and rearrange yourself, collect all your pieces to carry on with the life as it is

making sense of yourself and the universe, getting disappointed at your own language

alone and singular
helplessly and desperately trying to connect the thoughts and ideas while assuring yourself and ascertaining some meaning to the whole process
well, guess all beings are lonely creatures in the universe

yes, what matters it the attempt of sharing, even though it is almost hopeless to share your thoughts, right?


・・・・・・・
and even in those vague dreams i have, there is such painful recognition in the deepest corner of my subconciousness telling me that that is a dream, no matter how real the sensation gets, cause you were calling me in the most endearing voice that i so long to hear

cant help bursting into tears in my sleep, awaring that it is definitely a dream, as it can only happen in my dream, being caressed and being loved by you



maybe

in time when i feel the loneliest and the most trivial in the world, you would appear ascertaining i was not

maybe it is just my period getting near

maybe it is the vanish of the moon

or maybe i was just being nostalgic

people talking without speaking

people hearing without listening....  

On Yellow by Coldplay

On any granted random day, Yellow never fails to lift my mood and turn me back to the dreamy invicible sagittarius I am

just as the bright and cheerful image the shade of the yellow color represents

That just speaks the profound and overwhelming effect it enacts on me as if one was drug and drunk on each word

my first exposure to it was my high school time

being a typical high schooler, I was drawn to the upbeating attracting melody and the sweet romantic vision of the starry night sky the verse reproduces 

and that was it

but gradually along with time, i came to be fascinated by the association of the exuberant, bold and loud yellow in contrast to the calm, quiet, solitary night sky
i kept pondering on the wholesome and complete image yellow exudes
somehow all the elements seem just fall into its place

something sound, something innocent, something impeccable, something absolute, something intense, something irresistible, something could not be more appropriate and rightful.. for love 

then, it is how "for you I bleed myself dry"was chosen to articulate the devotion

it is not anywhere near those cheesy short-lived romance

but a much more engaging, compelling, dramatic and gravitational love

one demands of utmost effort, unquestionable will, unwavering courage, infinite devotion in the face of the most agonizing suffering it could get... 

one diffused by some kind of alluringly irresistible toxicant

as much as the wholeness of yellow
it seeks the utmost unconditional and altruistic sacrifice one can give
and to be worded by the bodily words constructing human like skin, bones and bleed

it gets as physical as love should be
and i love that idea too,
as love indeed calls for a deep physical bond just as much as the emotional and spiritual tie it demands  

and it is, by all means, not the common idea of dying for love and such...
I mean dying is a much more easier option one can pick. it ends in a flash and the pain vanishes as fast as it it inflicts. plus, it sounds plain, commercial and shallow as the notion might get in cheap romance movies

but here, bleeding... a much prolonged anguished and painful process
one would cringe at the thought of it
one only voluntarily lets themself destroyed if they genuinely are to give their love their all, and not in a coward manner of just ending the suffering but by letting themselves being corroded and withered in the act of dedication 

that should be how destructive and hypnotic a force love could turn out to be

deep and enthralling
poignant and haunting

falling with the most destructible force of a fall

engaging in the most absolute attention of an engagement

loving with the most compelling of devotion and sacrification

and i read about how Yellow was chosen as the title

that Coldplay couldnt replace it with any other word more suitable once they come acros yellow

and that it does not has much connection with the intention of the song except for it represents a bright and promising future for the group as a debut song

... see, that is again how love should work

as if 2 unknown strangers approaching each other only to find that they are just meant to be together 

and that they are such a complete and perfect match that once matched, becomes impossible for any replacement to remain intact with the exact identical atmosphere, idea, sense and feel it has already conjured up in the act of abiding and evading each entity
like the idea of one can only be complete with another person 

yeah, maybe i am romanticizing the whole idea of love again

but why not ;)

it is fine romanticizing something ought-to-be-romantic in nature right 

... well, that is how Yellow grows on me during all this time

with my infatuation in its idea of love and absoluteness

dont you find it amazing now after my ranting :D

and somehow as the flow, i just feel like ending this note by the quote from Celine in Before Sunrise again

I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

 yup, absolutely 

Keira Knightley "Lost Stars" - On beginning anew & recent obsession

Please don't see just a girl caught up in dreams and fantasies
Please see me reaching out for someone I can't see
Take my hand let's see where we wake up tomorrow
Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand
I'd be damned Cupid's demanding back his arrow
So let's get drunk on our tears and

God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy?
Woe is me, if we're not careful turns into reality
Don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow
Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer
Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending
Where we're dancing in our tears and

God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

I thought I saw you out there crying
I thought I heard you call my name
I thought I heard you out there crying
Just the same

God, give us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It's hunting season and this lamb is on the run
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

I thought I saw you out there crying
I thought I heard you call my name
I thought I heard you out there crying

But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?
But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

Read more: Adam Levine - Lost Stars Lyrics | MetroLyrics 



So I've just watched Begin Again and fell in love with this song instantly

facing the 1st mid-life crisis at the junction to choose between going forth settling down or heading on alone

having nothing to loose aint I ? so what is it that makes me hesitate?

would this gentle yet savage ocean of feelings inside me drown one out?



again, I've got to quote this from Before sunrise

I believe if there's any kind of God, it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt

It indeed is a miracle for two complete foreign beings come to understand and touch each others deep, in the act of sharing their thoughts and feelings, opening up the door relishing their violent swirl of emotions deep down inside

...again, it might be just me fantasizing and idealizing the idea of love, reading too much or too light into the situation

still, who cares right?

what matters lies in the effort put forth into such act of exploring and venturing... right



it is spring and it is time for expedition, is it not?



...Take my hand let's see where we wake up tomorrow

...so let's get drunk on our tears



damn it is beautiful

  “I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?”

another quote, probably from Before sunset...

These two movies, Before sunrise and Before sunset totally evade my mind these days

as if almost each and every singular sentence of the conversation tries to tame me its idea of love and the universe, transcends its substances in the act of binding itself into my whole being



Let me read further into my mess of feelings for these two movies, before pinning it down here :)

For the heart is an organ of fire

The bridges of Madison County 

This kind of certainty only comes once in a life time

It is a story of a love affair between a National geography journal photographer and a normal housewife which only last 4 days, a four-days of a lifetime, if you truly comprehend the significance of it

Some may say it's a typical setting for any love affair story
Some might argue against its morality values
Some criticizes the possibility of a 4days affair and the melodrama of it all
but that is only what one says if one has not in truth gone through that kind of love affair to gain an insights of it, of the agony and the guilt it brought on, of the compelling force and the ectasy it draws upon, devilishly powerful enough to call off the guilt of submission to the physical desires  

Maybe 4 days is not a convincing duration of time
Maybe it just romanticizes an unreal love affair
Maybe the point is to bring up the agony awoken amid the realization that their marriage choice is not their perfect one, and that one cant afford to be with their perfect match within society norms and morality, that marriage is idealized and overrated ... yet it might be the wisest choice to remain in that marriage
That if they genuinely leave their family for the affair, something will destroy the magic of it

Well I dont know. Now that I looked at it several weeks after actually watching it with a calmer and more rationale mind, I cant help feeling it was romanticizing an almost impossible relationship though I was touched and felt for them then

But who knows... "for the heart is an organ of fire" (The English patient)

***************************

So I guess this is goodbye....
The surreal and unbearable lightness of an ending
no farewell or parting words are spoken
at best, we avoided it by faking a promise of a future that I'm so well aware would not exist
deep down, we on our own must've felt so distinctly the incurable and irresistible break of the tie we both share.. yet we lack the courage of admitting and embracing that ruthless truth

and today I read something I've written some 5 years ago about human, words and relationship
of whether words are worth all that attention
of whether one's feeling value, or significance solely rests on the fact whether they are expressed or made known to the others, the objects or subjects causing them
and I made up my mind to make an effort to avoid the unnecessary silence or at least to properly speak out my mind
I couldnt recall those thoughts had lingered on my mind
but surely i was obsessed with it
...5years after as I am today, and here I go:
still, sometimes words are better left unspoken...
especially if they are directed or intended to hurt others
again I'm contradicting my own arguments, think twice before you speak
stay honest but it should never be meant to hurt others solely for the sake of your outburst

we need the right balance
of everything and in anything

On Love me if you dare ( Jeux d'enfants)

so I've re-watched Love me if you dare and Eternal Sunshine on a spotless mind since their ratings were so high and I was curious to see how different i might perceive them compared to the time i first watched them, much more innocent and naive

It is true that your perception changes, when time rolls by further in life with more layers adding up to your cynical view of the world and experiences



I first came across Love me if you dare as some movie trying to dramatize the plot in an effort to make love unforgettable and everlasting

and it was alien and unrealistic to me why one would make it so difficult to just be honest, frank and why they have to choose to commit suicide in the end for no clear reason



yet, i felt that it is absolutely sensible and inevitable an ending, now that I've joined the working adult world



when one can so easily loose themselves and get drown under the burden of responsibility, boring rules, commitment and cold logic, it makes perfect sense that they naturally yearn for something pure and impulsive at heart, with such passion and force that nothing could hold them back in an attempt to keep it sacred, untainted and immortal, out of the mundane boring routine and free from any logical reasoning and responsibility

that this obsession has the power to drive them to find their reunion in death

death does not do them apart but grants them the eternity of their love, without further obstruction of reality, of work, of future, of responsibility, of the so-called Life

it might sound so irresponsible at first but at some point when you get tired in this adult world, there'd be moments that you cant help but longing to put an end to these sufferings and the commitments, to be free and be true to you

to tell the truth, it captivates me in a much more realistic way than i could've ever thought it might be

the dark romance is magnetic i guess haha

and the lyrics of la vie en rose feels so apt and exceptionally real

Hold me close and hold me fast 

The magic spell you cast

This is la vie en rose

 .............

Let me write about Eternal sunshine on another day as my mood for writing ran out and I cant seem to get my mind out of Love me if you dare now haha

one rainy day in Feb

it's been along time since i last felt this imminent hollow of emptiness

it must be either the stress of having to deal with financial matters or just the longing for home or the obscure future job or the slowly encroaching foreboding farewell that has been eaten me inside out or just the grey color of sky 

if you ask what i wish for now, my answers are probably ridiculously greedy, selfish, and shallow

i'm trying to figure out many things at one time and since none really works out, it just drained all of my energy in such a depressing and excruciating way

even when i'm typing this note, i totally have no idea what I 'm trying to say or describe at all

if i'd try to name this swelling emptiness, it must be lonesome

and i kind of figure out that I'm probably no good if i'm on my own

put it in bluntly, i need physical warmth, care, protection and companion to lift this heavy heart up and draw me into the sunny zone despite the sky turning grey 

yet at the same time i require certain space and freedom.. what a contradictory being I am OMG

where to seek it? the balanced companion

if i need to carry out as the current state of me for another one year, i'd probably grow withered, folly and exhausted. 

not the acute and excruciating kind

but the recurring and disturbing kind of stings that is enough to distress and get on your nerves, that slowly sucks out what is there to push forward

as if my heart was squeezed and tightened in such a forceful grip for the whole time

the incredibly heaviness of being lonesome

is there such a disease?

and I cant even be sarcastic and laugh at my own situation now

which means it probably gets quite serious lately 

what should one do to get out of the hazy maze that I've gotten myself into?

or maybe i just need more qualified sleep that I've not really had lately

do i in fact have any problem with this ending of winter?

or am i just get dejected at the prospect of the foreboding farewell that will be soon to come

the farewell of a perfect match or so i thought, is, maybe, much more excruciating and overwhelming than i thought it would 

even if i'm all ready and prepared for it

i'm not that great at detaching at all right? and maybe not so cool as i thought i am? 

i'm just listless and hollowed. let's say

or blame it on the weather

and my heart is gently weeping in this dark abyss................

I don't know why nobody told you 
how to unfold you love 
I don't know how someone controlled you 
they bought and sold you 

I look at the world and I notice it's turning 
While my guitar gently weeps 
With every mistake we must surely be learning 
Still my guitar gently weeps 

I don't know how you were diverted 
you were perverted too 
I don't know how you were inverted 
no one alerted you

Lana Del Rey - Born To Die

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane, so
Choose your last words

Read more: Lana Del Rey - Born 2 Die Lyrics | MetroLyric

hmmm I'm not judging it as depressing though it might a tiny bit be

and I hate the title and how it sounds suicidal and depressing

still I admit that the music and the PV style is a great deal attractive

like the moment that the magic of ambition and positiveness starts to fade off and lonesomeness takes over
one feel the urge to just leave, call it a quit and abandon everything once and for all



my call for such feeling is probably not reaching that extent cause I'm still being bound to my responsibility towards my family and my dearest... still at any given moment, it just flares up viciously and sickeningly strong without any warning

we all need a compelling force to nail and hold us back from the verge of breaking down

something to keep the moon clear from being shadowed by the ultimate darkness of the universe

even though darkness is so dangerously desirous and arousing