one rainy day in Feb

it's been along time since i last felt this imminent hollow of emptiness

it must be either the stress of having to deal with financial matters or just the longing for home or the obscure future job or the slowly encroaching foreboding farewell that has been eaten me inside out or just the grey color of sky 

if you ask what i wish for now, my answers are probably ridiculously greedy, selfish, and shallow

i'm trying to figure out many things at one time and since none really works out, it just drained all of my energy in such a depressing and excruciating way

even when i'm typing this note, i totally have no idea what I 'm trying to say or describe at all

if i'd try to name this swelling emptiness, it must be lonesome

and i kind of figure out that I'm probably no good if i'm on my own

put it in bluntly, i need physical warmth, care, protection and companion to lift this heavy heart up and draw me into the sunny zone despite the sky turning grey 

yet at the same time i require certain space and freedom.. what a contradictory being I am OMG

where to seek it? the balanced companion

if i need to carry out as the current state of me for another one year, i'd probably grow withered, folly and exhausted. 

not the acute and excruciating kind

but the recurring and disturbing kind of stings that is enough to distress and get on your nerves, that slowly sucks out what is there to push forward

as if my heart was squeezed and tightened in such a forceful grip for the whole time

the incredibly heaviness of being lonesome

is there such a disease?

and I cant even be sarcastic and laugh at my own situation now

which means it probably gets quite serious lately 

what should one do to get out of the hazy maze that I've gotten myself into?

or maybe i just need more qualified sleep that I've not really had lately

do i in fact have any problem with this ending of winter?

or am i just get dejected at the prospect of the foreboding farewell that will be soon to come

the farewell of a perfect match or so i thought, is, maybe, much more excruciating and overwhelming than i thought it would 

even if i'm all ready and prepared for it

i'm not that great at detaching at all right? and maybe not so cool as i thought i am? 

i'm just listless and hollowed. let's say

or blame it on the weather

and my heart is gently weeping in this dark abyss................

I don't know why nobody told you 
how to unfold you love 
I don't know how someone controlled you 
they bought and sold you 

I look at the world and I notice it's turning 
While my guitar gently weeps 
With every mistake we must surely be learning 
Still my guitar gently weeps 

I don't know how you were diverted 
you were perverted too 
I don't know how you were inverted 
no one alerted you