in May

a quote from someone

"There is nothing worse than meeting the perfect person at the wrong time"

if I were to sum up today in one word
it should be wounded
and i hate it

this horrid dreadful feeling of disappointment that is always lurking around, waiting to sufface at any moment given, with all its power and vitality to force me retreat to doubts and distrust, abandoning any worthy expectation and anticipation that has ever been harboured

and i am in no mood to write about it now

if the starting point is without any expectation, one could not possibly be disappointed in whatever the outcome maybe

blame me for being the easily trusting person I've always been
blame me for always amounting any tiny drops of anticipation and wishful thoughts along the way


I'm just no good dealing with disappointment
to be honest, it feels like being betrayed by the world, and the only one to blame is yourself to ever wish and hope for something in the first place

it hurts every now and then upon realizing that the fact that you've always ended up building up some kind of expectation somehow, only to be drown out in disappointment and dejection again and again

even when the effort of not hoping for any desirable outcome is made
even when i try to detach and reverse the whole process every once in a while, of hoping too much out of anything or becoming too dependent on any relationship

and what else

it sounds silly but whenever i recall that surreal dream, my eyes cant help forming these tears, as if all your body is earnestly focus on this single task of remembering and collecting all the affection and feelings we had onto this singular dream, making it impossible to remain composed, breaking you down in an instant, swiftly and effortlessly piercing through the deepest corner of your heart

it is heartaching even in the act of putting this into words, as it repeats the whole process of being reminded of all the sensation and thoughts
of a now without you and a past with us
of a place where I can be assured that 80% of my thoughts are at least getting across, endearing and cherished by someone

of a perfect shelter i have not found yet in any others

it sounds pathetic right? but i'm just a girl after all
and at times i'm lost under the forces of those hundreds of rapid currences
overwhelmed by its ruthless lie and cruelty
feeling helpless and alone in this universe
feeling the need to be reassured, sheltered

alone in the universe

it is not awkward for someone of the wildest mood swing as me to just suddenly cry
not strange at all

well, i do wonder why it happened myself anyway and try to reason the cause
most of the time

it is by no means easy to pinpoint what the exact cause is

most of the time, it's probably just a surge of emotion in a spur of moment causing by the accumulated frustration, dissatisfaction, disappointment in me, the world and the people surrounding

all it needs is the combination of some right stimulant


the act of crying certainly induces physical pain in the process
like the inevitable throb of a wrenching heartache, like the acute pain when your eyes are dictated to produce water in such a urgent and abrupt manner

do you sometimes feel left out as if none in the world could have understood what is going on your mind
as if it it would've been great if just 80% of what we were trying to convey is comprehended and shared
and you feel as a lone empty can left forgotten in the corner of the world

the Earth contines to revolve in its rythm and people are moving non-stop, too caught up in whatever business on their minds

and it is you staying still, trying to contemplate and rearrange yourself, collect all your pieces to carry on with the life as it is

making sense of yourself and the universe, getting disappointed at your own language

alone and singular
helplessly and desperately trying to connect the thoughts and ideas while assuring yourself and ascertaining some meaning to the whole process
well, guess all beings are lonely creatures in the universe

yes, what matters it the attempt of sharing, even though it is almost hopeless to share your thoughts, right?


・・・・・・・
and even in those vague dreams i have, there is such painful recognition in the deepest corner of my subconciousness telling me that that is a dream, no matter how real the sensation gets, cause you were calling me in the most endearing voice that i so long to hear

cant help bursting into tears in my sleep, awaring that it is definitely a dream, as it can only happen in my dream, being caressed and being loved by you



maybe

in time when i feel the loneliest and the most trivial in the world, you would appear ascertaining i was not

maybe it is just my period getting near

maybe it is the vanish of the moon

or maybe i was just being nostalgic

people talking without speaking

people hearing without listening....