in May

a quote from someone

"There is nothing worse than meeting the perfect person at the wrong time"

if I were to sum up today in one word
it should be wounded
and i hate it

this horrid dreadful feeling of disappointment that is always lurking around, waiting to sufface at any moment given, with all its power and vitality to force me retreat to doubts and distrust, abandoning any worthy expectation and anticipation that has ever been harboured

and i am in no mood to write about it now

if the starting point is without any expectation, one could not possibly be disappointed in whatever the outcome maybe

blame me for being the easily trusting person I've always been
blame me for always amounting any tiny drops of anticipation and wishful thoughts along the way


I'm just no good dealing with disappointment
to be honest, it feels like being betrayed by the world, and the only one to blame is yourself to ever wish and hope for something in the first place

it hurts every now and then upon realizing that the fact that you've always ended up building up some kind of expectation somehow, only to be drown out in disappointment and dejection again and again

even when the effort of not hoping for any desirable outcome is made
even when i try to detach and reverse the whole process every once in a while, of hoping too much out of anything or becoming too dependent on any relationship

and what else

it sounds silly but whenever i recall that surreal dream, my eyes cant help forming these tears, as if all your body is earnestly focus on this single task of remembering and collecting all the affection and feelings we had onto this singular dream, making it impossible to remain composed, breaking you down in an instant, swiftly and effortlessly piercing through the deepest corner of your heart

it is heartaching even in the act of putting this into words, as it repeats the whole process of being reminded of all the sensation and thoughts
of a now without you and a past with us
of a place where I can be assured that 80% of my thoughts are at least getting across, endearing and cherished by someone

of a perfect shelter i have not found yet in any others

it sounds pathetic right? but i'm just a girl after all
and at times i'm lost under the forces of those hundreds of rapid currences
overwhelmed by its ruthless lie and cruelty
feeling helpless and alone in this universe
feeling the need to be reassured, sheltered