should it be called "the anguish of living"

monday comes, sweeping away all the energy stored up from your rest in the weekend

was it the horrid fact that human including me selfishly moving on their own benefit in circumstances, turning themselves into ruthless beast, trampling on every other's hearts as long as it doesnt concern their own territory 

ruthless cold-heart beast that just assumes any identity wherever it fits

and certainly, i was not any exception

and that hurts and disappoints me the worst

as i failed to adhere to and act on my own integrity

does living in this so-called society mean that one has to devil-ize oneself in the process?

that one needs to crush others' path in order to protect their own interest and their own precious ones?

even if the initiation of the devil deed was not done by them, their silence and their onlookers position almost equivalently adopts the same stance, that of the partner in crime and of no less cruel

was it the return of the solitary night that scares the heart which has been reawakened with that unforgettable taste of the kind of possessive caress, the kind of timid yet resolved tenderness, the kind of addictive delightful warmth... 

was it just the single fact that my brains started to register the physical needs for you, to yearn for you, for your scent, for your touch, for your embrace, for the world of our own, within and without the ache of living life as it is

it must be these things that has been squeezing and tightening my heart all the while

and hearing your voice alone has unleashed it all

as if the pain of living this life on one's own, becoming a devil in disguise, just grows too  overwhelmed to contain, too heavy of a burden to shoulder and it bursts at the finest trigger, at the quiet sound of your soft laughter alone

as if your voice reminds me of being a me with just me and our world 

and i cant help but wishing for it, to be in your embrace, to forget about it all,

the anguish of living and carrying on on my own

...or maybe it is all only an illusion, a fantasizing world that I fabricate in my head 

another dimension of the unreal paradise only in our conception

on initiation - an irrevocable process

these days, time floats about in such a manner that before i register all the happenings, days and weeks passed, in a blink of an eye, like the light summer breeze cooling your sensation for a moment before sweeping its way off, leaving you all dazed and listless

if it was the 18 years old me, i would've spent my nights recollecting and recalling each special moments, gestures, sensation of the touch, the quietness of his whisper, the warmth of his body temperature, the lingering body scent peculiar of his own, the hesitate yet apparent affection in his kiss, the soft yet commanding force with that childish touch of possessiveness that makes you feel needed and loved...
i would've spent my time remembering and engraving them on my mind in the fashion a child hide away her treasures in her small secret trunk of memory    
while feeling my heart quivers and trembles in responding to the feeling aroused every singular moment
and i would've fallen into sleep in that gentle sweet lullaby with that naivety of a young heart, loving and yearning for love, in all its namely ideal forms of heartache and affection

yet, the me now has not the energy for that engraving ritual every night any longer

call it the brutality of reality that garnishes your physical mind with all the fatigue and exhaustion from the daily routines, drain your mentality off of all the vividness of memories, suck the vitality of your dreams and inspiration, steal all the sharpness your senses
in the process, disquieting the joy and with it, all the quivering notes your heart had produced in reciprocal to the given stimulation
trampling on your innocent longing and anticipation for more

as if your heart has been wearing out bit by bit, too exhausted by the mundane process of life to appreciate the luxury of love
and the sole duty of carrying on with life exhausts all your energy and dull all your senses
all is left is the ugly selfishness and the unequivocal emptiness

life has always pulls its trick on us
is it true that the more we mature and age, the less receptive our heart grow towards other beings and the more oblivious it become in the tantalizing of love and affection
even though one wish they could've tasted and devoted the sweetest to their true lifetime companion
it sounds almost unfair at the idea while it certainly is not
still, i'd wish to shower whoever arrives at the end with the me at my very best and no less

once in a blue moon i would think if all can end swiftly in an instant so i could be released of this burden, of carrying on with duties and responsibility
yes, only once in a blue moon
but upon arriving on this kind of reckless thought, one realizes they need a solid foothold, some tangible, powerful and commanding force to seize them, unyieldingly and uncompromisingly, fiercely and vehemently denying them from their negation and entry for fleeing it all
like gravity to keep us attached to the earth
like a magnet field to endlessly hold me closed and never let go

i made the choice to be willingly blind again
this time certainly there is no return, but at least it looks like the me is needed no less than the I who crave for it .. at least for the time being
we made a choice to be tamed by each other and then, we shall need each other
"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.To me, you will be unique in all the world.To you, I shall be unique in all the world." -The Little Prince
for I may not have been able to let my body completely rewire yet, but it is set and bound to be
for the seed has started to root and ready to deepen

to consciously choose to inter-be and involve in each other's life
to venture in our darkness, drink our loneliness and taste our toxic
to be the exclusive shadow under the scorching sun and the sole shelter on stormy night
to exude the warmth comfort in the belief that the other needs your existence
so this is probably my first entry about you and the beginning of us, my dear sweet shy boy

On Thomas Hardy

The phases of Boldwood's life were ordinary enough, but his was not an ordinary nature. That stillness, which struck casual observers more than anything else in his character and habit, and seemed so precisely like the rest inanition, may have been the perfect balance of enormous antagonistic forces -  positives and negatives in fine adjustment. His equilibrium disturbed, he was in extremity at once. If an emotion possessed him at all, it ruled him; a feeling not mastering him was entirely latent. Stagnant or rapid, it was never slow. He was always hit mortally, or he was missed.

From 'Far from a madding crowd ' by Thomas Hardy

I would have to admit I've instantly fallen for Thomas Hardy's amazing method of description, on landscape, on time and especially when presenting image of a character.
These powerful lines above from Far from a madding crowd, conjure a perfect description of a character's outlook, and at the same time reveal partially the essence of their characteristics; which is absolutely enchanting and desirable.
The moment your eyes skim through them is the moment they are coerced to divert and return to the same passage once more, just to drink in those beautifully constructed words and let their effect sink in, and one finds themselves fallen into a dreamy state of admiration, contemplating on the wonderful delight of literature and language
One would wonder if there could have been any better way at all to just reproduce the very same impression
yes, it is definitely drug to your mind, arousing, hypnotizing and irresistible
this is exactly how one falls in love with literature, feeling inexplicably touched and inspired by the exquisite treat that language in the name of literature offers

On another note, June has arrived with its dampened air, cloudy sky and rain
Accept from my strange sleeping pattern, of unable to sleep straight and keep waking up every 2-3hrs of sleep @-@, and my body reaction to the seasonal change by acting up with strange allergic symptoms, other things look like they're moving onwards with some prospect, positive or not I have not yet to know. Well, things will reveal their courses in a matter of time

In your late twenties, and especially going through my kind of experiences, you stop romanticizing and fantasizing the prospect of love, relationship and marriage
one start to realize that everything requires certain effort, commitment and devotion to keep everything going on
well, it is not to say that the intervention of what seems like fate and destiny play any less important role, as I still hold some faith in what the wheel of fortune has on hand for that magical click to move forward
but it is to say that without one personal compassion and voluntary involvement in the form of compromising and devotion, it is not easy for things to progress in this period of time when human selfishness is high on the tide

in order to listen and to be listened to right

just that I have this strange mood swing of high and low notes striking every now and then in their known uncontrollable manner

Well, I'd come back for more quote from Thomas Hardy's for appreciation of the literary beauty

patience and modesty are things I need to work on, i guess @.@
somehow this piece fits well with this entry :D

P.S. and for not entirely incomprehensible a reason, the sounds of French and French songs totally captivates me recently, with its strongest gravity up to date

Katie Melua - What I Miss About You (Live)

The new way that love had made me see,
Your bashful grin when you asked if I would like your key.
The knowing way you used to caress me,
That's what I miss about you.

You stole in with your starry smile exciting me,
Driving with you in your new car, feeling free.
If it's true that love is blind, then I was blind willingly,
You made me feel we had a future, that could be and would be.





Maybe after all, I just miss the idea of being in an affair with you
or the idea that I was accepted and loved for who i am
or the idea that we seem like a perfect match
yes, i was absolutely willingly cover my sight because of you


and i was selfishly advancing saying that i'm not too sure if this effort could be maintained after all, which is probably one of the most selfish act one could draw upon another

as if you went on injecting your venomous fang that paralyzes the other while at the same time saying that it is none of your responsibility and that you are uncertain if your venom is strong enough to kill them off completely or just leave them hanging around half-dead and unable to move on

That is irresponsible and awfully cruel
You made a choice of injecting that venom and just remember that you have no way to return the victim to their original state
There is already no way to return ... as a sane and responsible human