on initiation - an irrevocable process

these days, time floats about in such a manner that before i register all the happenings, days and weeks passed, in a blink of an eye, like the light summer breeze cooling your sensation for a moment before sweeping its way off, leaving you all dazed and listless

if it was the 18 years old me, i would've spent my nights recollecting and recalling each special moments, gestures, sensation of the touch, the quietness of his whisper, the warmth of his body temperature, the lingering body scent peculiar of his own, the hesitate yet apparent affection in his kiss, the soft yet commanding force with that childish touch of possessiveness that makes you feel needed and loved...
i would've spent my time remembering and engraving them on my mind in the fashion a child hide away her treasures in her small secret trunk of memory    
while feeling my heart quivers and trembles in responding to the feeling aroused every singular moment
and i would've fallen into sleep in that gentle sweet lullaby with that naivety of a young heart, loving and yearning for love, in all its namely ideal forms of heartache and affection

yet, the me now has not the energy for that engraving ritual every night any longer

call it the brutality of reality that garnishes your physical mind with all the fatigue and exhaustion from the daily routines, drain your mentality off of all the vividness of memories, suck the vitality of your dreams and inspiration, steal all the sharpness your senses
in the process, disquieting the joy and with it, all the quivering notes your heart had produced in reciprocal to the given stimulation
trampling on your innocent longing and anticipation for more

as if your heart has been wearing out bit by bit, too exhausted by the mundane process of life to appreciate the luxury of love
and the sole duty of carrying on with life exhausts all your energy and dull all your senses
all is left is the ugly selfishness and the unequivocal emptiness

life has always pulls its trick on us
is it true that the more we mature and age, the less receptive our heart grow towards other beings and the more oblivious it become in the tantalizing of love and affection
even though one wish they could've tasted and devoted the sweetest to their true lifetime companion
it sounds almost unfair at the idea while it certainly is not
still, i'd wish to shower whoever arrives at the end with the me at my very best and no less

once in a blue moon i would think if all can end swiftly in an instant so i could be released of this burden, of carrying on with duties and responsibility
yes, only once in a blue moon
but upon arriving on this kind of reckless thought, one realizes they need a solid foothold, some tangible, powerful and commanding force to seize them, unyieldingly and uncompromisingly, fiercely and vehemently denying them from their negation and entry for fleeing it all
like gravity to keep us attached to the earth
like a magnet field to endlessly hold me closed and never let go

i made the choice to be willingly blind again
this time certainly there is no return, but at least it looks like the me is needed no less than the I who crave for it .. at least for the time being
we made a choice to be tamed by each other and then, we shall need each other
"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.To me, you will be unique in all the world.To you, I shall be unique in all the world." -The Little Prince
for I may not have been able to let my body completely rewire yet, but it is set and bound to be
for the seed has started to root and ready to deepen

to consciously choose to inter-be and involve in each other's life
to venture in our darkness, drink our loneliness and taste our toxic
to be the exclusive shadow under the scorching sun and the sole shelter on stormy night
to exude the warmth comfort in the belief that the other needs your existence
so this is probably my first entry about you and the beginning of us, my dear sweet shy boy