today is Tanabata, July 7th, a day when you write your wish on a colorful note and hang them onto bamboo tree in Japan
It is also accompanied with the story of the lovers who only unite once a year on this day when the milky way would form a bridge to bring them together
upon writing this line, a sudden question comes to my mind... did I ever feel sorry for them at all?
not that I remember...ever since I was a child
but I've always felt sorry and sympathetic for the little mermaid or the girl in red shoes in Andersen's story
maybe the torture and misery of waiting in solitude has always been inscribed unbearable in me since childhood
on remembering my uneventful yet loving weekend...
even with all the ugly doubts and ridiculous questions I've built up on my mind, questioning about the future and the possibility of a "us"
they are all vanished at the sight of him stepping in my door with his warmest smile, lovingly tendering my heart
as if a long-awaited seed of joy suddenly sprung out at last in its strongest force
and i cant help yielding in unconditionally
somehow that sounds stupid and i might look like a fool, bt why not
dont they always say love is illogical and inexplicable
10/07/2015
at times i feel helpless interpreting my own feelings,
as if things and emotions run through me too fast,
like water flowing through a fast-current stream, fast come and fast gone,
leaving no time to taste and ponder upon its heartbreaking sweetness or its joyful pain
wonder if it is that people in their late 20s feel this way?
vaguely in love with their definition and ideology of love, commitment and marriage in their mind
or was it that work, the reality of living, the selfishness one builds up to protect oneself from being hurt, that makes them empty, lost, cold and oblivious?
like there is something inherently lacking and insufficient in the whole process...
for I should have devoted and cherished it in a much more precious and affectionate manner
at times i am just at a total loss, afraid if i were too selfish or imposing too much while a 'we' is still newly and delicately created
and at times i just turn out too emotional, tearing myself up at the recall of the tiniest gestures, or the most casual promise
wonder if my mess of emotions is just too much to even let it leaking out drop by drop
and there were times i feel like acting childish, the way a child calling for attention
like coolly walking away despite 98% of my inside screaming out loud, waiting for the one and significant person to stop and held me back forcefully
yes, i know, now, this sounds absolutely childish and stupid :-s
is this the anxiety one inevitably faces when they start to loosen their protective nest, breaking down their solid wall to reveal their glassy heart to someone else?
at times i couldnt help feeling like i was building up this whole illusion alone, on my own
like it was a single-sided kind of affection and that it was bound to be broken when the patience and tolerance ran out
as if i were some kind of dependent creature and had nothing to offer
and at times i am doubtful of my own tolerance and devotion
as if some string inside me would suddenly snap, coercing me to leave it all and walk out, hurting the one i love and acting as if i were never like them in the first place
and here i thought i am more or less somewhere near the adult boundary
well, it is human's most complicated and inexplicable emotion we are talking about here right
guesst i cant be helped then
amid all of my roller coaster feelings
my mind sometimes still wander to the thought of you
in a vaguely nostalgic and vaguely melancholic manner
