i've been having this urge to trot down something about you, yet somehow i couldnt find that spur of inspiration or a peek of feelings to start
i decided to write something anyway
maybe being with you is not about that intensity of feelings or that supplementary chemical reaction that decidedly makes it the ultimate best
call it calm or dispassionate
as i couldnt be so sure that my existence is of necessity to you
even the depths of your eyes seem to tell me that it is gaining some significance nonetheless
if i were to flee and abandon it all, would it be me to be hurt or would it be otherwise?
all the time you would appear so firm and reliable yet utterly fragile and vulnerable
as though you wouldnt know if you were hurt even though the wound done to you might be fatal
as if your heart wears a steel coating that is only to contain some crazy stuff to prevent it disturbing the others while not capable of warding off any harmful deed to your glassy heart
so the content might just be shattered thoroughly while the outer layer remains cold hard steel
...that always caught me in my thought at any moment
i would startle wondering whether you are fine even though i was steaming off and determined to ignore you seconds before
and you were always there, stagnantly waiting for me to draw you out of your cold steel coat, while poignantly calming your emotions and unknowingly killing your inside in the act
and all i need to do is to gently touch your cold exterior by my simplest care to let your warm substance oozing out in such loving and tender way.... like your cold steel was never in existence in the first place
at times i would be reminded of how similarly i was in the past, shy, passive, try to act cool as if i dont give a damn, questioning and doubting the world, distancing and isolating myself from the crowd or anything i judge uncool, childish and selfish in all my moves
and i know i was just waiting for someone to patiently pat my head and hug me lovingly, asking if i 'm doing okay.. as any girl would secretly hope from their deepest wish
maybe you are just like that little girl in me, can't be bothered to reach out
at times i would wonder what you have been put through
as to make you the person you are now
and i would earnestly want to protect you at any cost, from everything that might harm you in any unconscious way
yet your steel exterior would surface again, lurking around sending off cold waves as if to call for my childish side to act cool and throw my tantrum at you
when i jokingly call you "the unmotivated passionless man", you would laugh it off and quietly correct me that you are not that cool
certainly i always know that you are not that cool even though your attitudes exude such aura
and i would remind myself the thousands times i am preparing to ignore you that you are not that cool at all
in my imagination, you truly are that childish sweet boy, silently and motionlessly waiting for the things he wants to come and search for him in a dark corner, refuses to make any move even though his whole life might be dependent on that
oh dear
what am i to do
as the more i typed down these words, the longer my sigh grows along with my thousands nameless worry about you
at times you would appear so unsure of your ability, yet it always turns out that you are much more capable than what you thought
that's the cool side of you that i admire
and it feels like it is my responsibility to make you feel more confident of yourself at times like those
at times you would woo me away, carrying me like a princess and making me feel like a princess
a kind of feeling i hardly have chance to experience
certainly i love it, so much that i dont know how to express my joy and my gratitude to you
and you always hold me closed in your sleep
making me feel safe
easing out my troubled sleep
i wonder if you are thinking of me the way i am always thinking and contemplating on being with you
and i have the feeling that you probably dont
well, i dont know if it is better off that way
