on my endless frustration

these days I am building a new routine: walking
as to free and blank my mind
it's truly soothing at some point
and it's lonely at some other point
but it's relaxing and certainly, a good way to train your body and calm your soul
well at least it should be useful in burning some of my redundant calories T-T (that I've acquired due to the threatening fall effect)

at some point it seems as if I am running away from my problems a
cant be helped since i just want my time and space
invested for my own hobby and precious people I'd love to be with
work and the notion of devoting to work is not for me and probably not for many in my generations
we demand more than just a work to pay the bill and a life that only knows work

watched a Night train to Lisbon and Grace of Monaco lately.
Both movies left me with a lot to think

Night train to Lisbon is like a novel in which each line stops you to ponder, considering its beautiful wording and contemplating on its thought-provoking nature when it questions life and your purpose

Grace of Monaco is yet another story of women and their struggle to protect their family and their happiness even in such a fairy tale settings, being married to European Royal.
There is this line that kept repeating in my mind over and over again
"At some point, fairy tale has to end. Love is about obligations..." or something along the line
obligations, devotion, dedication and sacrifice
that is my idea of love and marriage
it is not that I'm not ready for it all
but i need a partner who are willing to go at great length with the same devotion, patience and compassion to accompany through thick and thin

sometimes i was taken aback at my triviality and anger
the anxiety and anger that brought along from the accumulated stress and your dissatisfaction with everything around
and i would remind myself to sit back and shift to a more objective view, to laugh at myself and be generous to everyone around, to be fair and just and understanding despite the situation
well the situations never let me prolong these thoughts though
which irritates you all the more
why do i have to turn this way? i would find myself explode at some point
and i cant forgive that fact
i wont want to vent it out on anyone i love omg

suddenly my entry turns to trivial complaints and frustration again
as my student time haha
i thought i'd be more mature and grown up now and i thought i'd write some beautifully composed sentence that makes my mind contemplate when i read it some time later
now, it is just endless complaints OMG T-T

and certainly i talk to you and think of you and us ... a lot
and i am quite uncertain of anything possibly called 'future'
i dont know
certainly all i want is to dote on you and treat you as gentle as can be
certainly i love and appreciate to be loved by you
but then comparison and reflection always venture in
and i would think if you are the 'right' one (if the idea of a perfectly suitable match is still conceivable) and if we should carry on
maybe you are much rationale and thoughtful than you appear to be
which is what i should appreciate in view of my impulsive and rash nature
and i would be reminded of how you would make your time listening to my endless complaints
how you would remember everything about me and my ramblings
how you would honestly say what you think and reveal your uncertainty
how you would show your affection in even the quirkiest way
...
so be it my resolution
as long as you decide not to let go of me, i will stay right beside you
since I made the decision to tame you and i must be responsible for it
since we are unique in regard to each other existence in this whole universe, because we had decided to involve in each others' life


things on my mind lately
of course it is about you and our future
about my current job and my timing to leave
white shadows of Cold play
Yann Tiersen
and Night train to Lisbon
walking and diet (so trivial i know lol)

devotion is not just a simple word you can utter at ease