I've finished Far from the Madding crowd by Thomas Hardy
As I had blogged earlier on Thomas Hardy and his writings, it was such a delight to read his composition with the well-versed English, thoughtful comparison and gorgeous scenery depiction; all was written as if to bewitch your eyes and steal your heart, left you to ponder again, on the magic of language, of talents and of literature.
I guess I need to find something either vainly beautiful or exotically extreme intense content to keep my attention and to move my heart, awake my mind to simply appreciate life and its wonder...
writing about you and my mess of thoughts
could not help feeling my heart fluttering when my eyes found you
and my physical body would naturally move on its own with that genuine joy, reaching out for you
as a kid reaching out to be loved and caressed
could not help feeling at peace at times when you find comfort resting in my arms
could not help feeling the excitement being lifted up by you
could not help feeling the affection when you would try to come into physical contact with me, reaching out just to let me know you're paying attention whenever I act bored and unconcerned
could not help feeling the bitter realization when you act fine on your own, as if i am irrelevant and insignificant
and there i was, chewing painfully on my solitude, like i was again and again betrayed by the world and all of my ideal thoughts for it
was it the price one has to pay when one lets oneself be vulnerable
am i still asking and expecting too much when i simply ask to be with you within the hectic schedule that i might not see you at all
and that was like those few connections and basic commitment that required to maintain a relationship...
today i was reading through the pages of The World of Yesterday by Stefan Zweig when I came across the term 'unconditional commitment / devotion"
i guess it is so painful and heartbreaking to give yourself fully into something "totally unconditional"
we all try to cooperate but only within our comforting zone, with conditions and expectations, reasonable or not, as a supporting evidence and as a energy source for us to advance forwards in our own endeavor
yet this is unconditional we are talking about
devote yourself wholly and completely, selflessly and unfaltering-ly
totally expecting nothing in return but just pressing forward, fueled only by your ideology, faith and your sole willpower
it sounds almost like absolute altruism, utter independence yet solitude, marvelous strength yet vulnerability, and endless sacrifice to me
it sounds like something intrinsically alien to human nature of greed and selfish though
maybe we should all speak in terms of moderation and neutral rather than radical, absolute and extreme, than it might make sense
unconditional
that is still something one must learn to comprehend and practice their whole life
i guess
i cant possibly say or describe how hurt it must be if one was to feel betrayed, isolated, disappointed and opposed by those one treasure the most
... right
and it hurts to familiarize yourself with that fact "let's face it, everyone in the world is gonna hurt you"
again maybe i should just think in terms of neutrality and moderation then?
-------------------------------------
December....
And I was watching October sky, a story about
the son of a coal mining worker dreaming to launch his rocket after being
inspired by the Sputnik.
A typical story about social class
struggling against the social norms and stereotypes, in even the so-called land
of freedom, America, where the most impossible dream still remains its wildest hope
to come true through sheer effort and faith.
Amidst my exhaustion of work and the
so-called human relationship, the story touches me deep, with a note of sympathizing how harsh
life and the idea of living is, especially for people coming from certain
social class and profession that are perceived low and unrefined in society. Yet, their effort to strive forward and reach out to their dreams despite being crushed by social prejudice thousands and thousands times... not all story has a happy ending but we still need to insist that one must not, in any case, yield into fate and hardships, that when one at the deepest and toughest depths of sufferings, they are more than ever the closest to their dreams and their goal. The higher it is, the tougher it gets but the goods will still prevail and it is human faith to keep on going. That would make the difference.
Let's still believe in life and that ideology.
....
It was my birthday and he was overseas on urgent business trip.
We were not able to spend it together and he did not even send me a happy birthday message.
When I called to check, he seemed to be quite exhausted, drunk and all...
so needless to say how the normal and non-expectant me was dejected and ...disappointed even with my lowest expectation ever for a birthday
even though i know he just does not know how to show how he cares
and then he made me wait the whole evening knowing that i was dying to see him and i'd definitely be waiting while I dont like to wait at all
i knew he'd probably overslept but it would do just text me saying he's too tired to come
yet he did not
he tried his best to make me not disappointed, coming at 11.50pm something despite being all tired and sick
oh boy, no matter how angry i was, how could i not forgive and forget it in instance
my roller coaster feelings just gets wilder because of him
he just knew exactly how to make me worry, how to please me, how to get me care, and how to make me laugh
doesnt he?
he just does not show it, as he always is
and he would look all sick and exhausted despite saying that he's going to be fine
no matter how exhausted i was for the day, feeling faithless and lifeless, I could help but longing to see him to check if he is faring well or to talk to him to listen to his soothing assuring yet emotionless tone
like I could not forget or abandon this little boy that needs my care and affection, even though he always acts as if he does not need it one bit
it is frustrating and worrying, watching him being sick and suffering
cause you cant do anything at all to help
...........
and i dont know if my words at the drinking party would hurt him
if he thinks about it or if it matters at all
i am by no means ever meant to hurt him even in the slightest manner
the big yet delicate boy that keeps worrying the 'prone-to-get-worried me" all the time
maybe being with you is not all about feeling being cared for and treated like a princess
maybe it is more about practicing caring and unconditional devotion, like that of a mother, giving without asking for "anything" back
would i be able to do that at all?
.............
"I dont know if this relationship is for me"...
whenever such though finds it way wandering into my mind, my heart would be tramped and wounded all over, fixating on how cold and unconcerned you always show up to be, or how mindless and nonchalant you are towards my affair
and the bare truth that everyone is alone in this world was repeating loudly within my ears
and leaving you probably equals to leaving Japan in my heart
such combination without any bright aspect of future could really inflict a fatal wound on me
... you know
but i would try to remind myself you will act cool as if nothing happens yet in the depths of your heart, an incurable wound would spread like cancer in the most silent manner, doing the wildest harm from within to your physics
and that idea would make me cringe on the spot
as i cant bear the thought that i might be the one who cause you pain...even though the whole thing might just be my imagination... is it only my imagination then?
my insecurity damned it
and i would think we are not meant to be soulmates
again, if this is just only my imagination
i know, my insecurity! damned it
maybe i was too fixated on being let down
and forgetting how you would remember each small details in my daily endless talk to you
i really mean that coz i would find myself surprised at how you still recall it while it has long gone from my mind
you do care, dont you
in your own clumsy and weird way
my dear sweet boy
this is how you would always make me cry and make me miss you, as the whole manifestation of life and, probably "love"
..............
and another year is going to pass
this December marks 29 years I am existing on the Earth
a frightening figure right
and painfully this is the period i think of "death" as wanting to join it the most by far in my years of existence
i guess it must be just the exhaustion of earning a living, of being constantly let down and tramped on my your own ideology, of the realization of having no single entity i could thrust my whole faith and rely on, even just in a spiritual manner
i really need a single nail to hold me back
and something to make my heart dance once in a while, feeling the joy of life in all its manifestation
am I asking for too much, still?
so here and there, my scattering thoughts on becoming 29
i hope the my world just would not get any darker than it is now
and my faith in human beings and the beauty of life prevails
and my heart and patience for you remains intact
and my heart could dance the waltz of joy, appreciating life in all its manifestation
Let's still believe in life and that ideology.
....
It was my birthday and he was overseas on urgent business trip.
We were not able to spend it together and he did not even send me a happy birthday message.
When I called to check, he seemed to be quite exhausted, drunk and all...
so needless to say how the normal and non-expectant me was dejected and ...disappointed even with my lowest expectation ever for a birthday
even though i know he just does not know how to show how he cares
and then he made me wait the whole evening knowing that i was dying to see him and i'd definitely be waiting while I dont like to wait at all
i knew he'd probably overslept but it would do just text me saying he's too tired to come
yet he did not
he tried his best to make me not disappointed, coming at 11.50pm something despite being all tired and sick
oh boy, no matter how angry i was, how could i not forgive and forget it in instance
my roller coaster feelings just gets wilder because of him
he just knew exactly how to make me worry, how to please me, how to get me care, and how to make me laugh
doesnt he?
he just does not show it, as he always is
and he would look all sick and exhausted despite saying that he's going to be fine
no matter how exhausted i was for the day, feeling faithless and lifeless, I could help but longing to see him to check if he is faring well or to talk to him to listen to his soothing assuring yet emotionless tone
like I could not forget or abandon this little boy that needs my care and affection, even though he always acts as if he does not need it one bit
it is frustrating and worrying, watching him being sick and suffering
cause you cant do anything at all to help
...........
and i dont know if my words at the drinking party would hurt him
if he thinks about it or if it matters at all
i am by no means ever meant to hurt him even in the slightest manner
the big yet delicate boy that keeps worrying the 'prone-to-get-worried me" all the time
maybe being with you is not all about feeling being cared for and treated like a princess
maybe it is more about practicing caring and unconditional devotion, like that of a mother, giving without asking for "anything" back
would i be able to do that at all?
.............
"I dont know if this relationship is for me"...
whenever such though finds it way wandering into my mind, my heart would be tramped and wounded all over, fixating on how cold and unconcerned you always show up to be, or how mindless and nonchalant you are towards my affair
and the bare truth that everyone is alone in this world was repeating loudly within my ears
and leaving you probably equals to leaving Japan in my heart
such combination without any bright aspect of future could really inflict a fatal wound on me
... you know
but i would try to remind myself you will act cool as if nothing happens yet in the depths of your heart, an incurable wound would spread like cancer in the most silent manner, doing the wildest harm from within to your physics
and that idea would make me cringe on the spot
as i cant bear the thought that i might be the one who cause you pain...even though the whole thing might just be my imagination... is it only my imagination then?
my insecurity damned it
and i would think we are not meant to be soulmates
again, if this is just only my imagination
i know, my insecurity! damned it
maybe i was too fixated on being let down
and forgetting how you would remember each small details in my daily endless talk to you
i really mean that coz i would find myself surprised at how you still recall it while it has long gone from my mind
you do care, dont you
in your own clumsy and weird way
my dear sweet boy
this is how you would always make me cry and make me miss you, as the whole manifestation of life and, probably "love"
..............
and another year is going to pass
this December marks 29 years I am existing on the Earth
a frightening figure right
and painfully this is the period i think of "death" as wanting to join it the most by far in my years of existence
i guess it must be just the exhaustion of earning a living, of being constantly let down and tramped on my your own ideology, of the realization of having no single entity i could thrust my whole faith and rely on, even just in a spiritual manner
i really need a single nail to hold me back
and something to make my heart dance once in a while, feeling the joy of life in all its manifestation
am I asking for too much, still?
so here and there, my scattering thoughts on becoming 29
i hope the my world just would not get any darker than it is now
and my faith in human beings and the beauty of life prevails
and my heart and patience for you remains intact
and my heart could dance the waltz of joy, appreciating life in all its manifestation
