a long, harsh and perpetual struggle

as if something deep and profound in me is broken beyond repair
as if my sole genuine source of optimist is seemingly concealed or going to vanish on the spot without any warning
as if my broken heart is trying its best to contain and carry all the shattered pieces intact
as if my religious faith in human goodness is forming relentless crack and going to crumble any minute

for at times some darkest deepest thoughts just pours out uncontrollably and at times, all are shut down and sealed deep, tight and dark, as if i dont even have a heart at all

then i would ponder on the purpose of life
on my favorite quotes of how life would always form on a contrasting basis
of joy and sorrow
of love and hate
light and dark
pleasure and pain
the convention and the deviate
that we are constantly challenged, enchanted and repelled by this magical mixture called life

that may be just what life is all about
a mess of co-existing ugliness and beauty
an endless journey of struggling between winning and losing, what is defined as "right" and "wrong"
an incomplete evolution of the self and the collective, the "norm" and the "deviate"

an effort to look over the imperfections and the negativity to reach out, realize, treasure and nurture the fragile beauty inside each single "entity"  

after all, the surviving sprouts still shoot up in spring, after their tough strangling with the harmful bacteria and the long harsh weather
as a proof that the strong and the just will always rise above everything
that there is still hope and it is still worth hoping and betting on the "good" and the "humane"

---------

beauty - may only be defined as beauty when placing in contrast to the vileness
maybe one has to encounter thousands of heartbreak to be able to collect and appreciate the tiny joy and happiness

---
on the first day of Lunar New Year
I was alone chewing on my solitude and the loneliness of human being
As if the world is crowding up to reaffirm me that human is such a lonely creature and one
you were not really doing anything to help me feel better


as if the less expecting you were, the happier and easier you would be content
so i was not taken care of much when i was sick and running a fever
as one would imagine how they can be taken care of
but you do look after me sleeping and checking if i took my medicine
you did nothing yet would check in on once in a while
tug me in properly so i would be kept warm
and patting on my forehead on my sleepy face so i would continue my sleep while you drove all the way
maybe that is nothing much as one would expect, like being helped with housework and stuff
bt still makes me feel the care and the warmth given by your clumsy childish way

---------

maybe because it is spring and you can feel the vitality and the glory of nature after its long winter sleep
maybe the earth and the world constructed by human works in such way that spring always brings more hope and inspiration, brightening up and decorating colors to the scenery surrounding us
such way that makes one inevitably feel energized and enthusiastic, promising on the aspects of things, even those they might have given up on
as if there is something in it waiting to incite and arouse in me the joy of learning and discovering... in a altogether different way

one starts to feel the hints and potential for a better overall picture
the promise for a new and better beginning...
or a better struggle one might say

or at least that is my case
when every chances of touching on new encounter or even re-encountering old acquaintances draws on me the hope for improvement and reinvention

and so, my broken heart would start to collect its piece of joy to dance the struggling waltz of life over and over again

is that the fate of human born into this earth?
being betrayed by their belief and faith over and over again just to get stronger
and only the strong and more positive would prevail and survive
to have chance to come into contact with the beauty covering up, small and weak within the repulsion and unsightliness ?
it really might be the case, right

and there again, the somewhat innocent me sits to admire how grand and wise my boss is
when he would time to time reminds me of the real importance and values in things in life.
and makes me uncertain of my oh-so-hard-built-self-righteousness
it is hard work but one would be able to appreciate it when one looks back at the long and tough journeys they've been put through

.....
I've come across this article introducing a book that interviews and collects our era greatest scientists and thinkers on their one favourite beautiful and elegant theory to explain... about everything.

and it is fascinating seeing how some of those greatest thinkers would look so positively and support so earnestly the deviate, the diffident, struggle ever so fervently to explain why human grow the way we are, how we form and develop our "norms" of our "self", how we construct our sense of morality, aesthetics, curiosity and belief, explain on the love-hate relationships of science and religion.
and somehow all went thought my mind as an encouraging proof to sustain the fact that life always emerges out of the contrasting shades and opposing elements, as a perpetual surviving struggle to honor and advocate the "appropriate", the "ideal" and the "just"

......... i would just end this note here to avoid it getting any longer

P.S. want to put it real short. i'm on another of a auto-biography talking about the old Europe and Paris, with its ever so charming, lightness and respect for individuality and equality, which really arouses my interest in this "kingdom of light".

about 2016

And 2016 starts just as vaguely and quietly as ever

I'd been able to spend my time almost mindlessly together with my family

It was indeed a kind of nameless and simple relief that you only find whenever you are back at where you were born, with the members you had spent your first and longest 20years of life with

Certainly I am thankful and feeling bless being born into my current family

My parents seemed to be quite prepared mentally that I am not gonna be back living in VN, at least any time soon

I love how they always give me the freedom of choice I could take in life, without pressing on me their ideology, ambition or any conventions their generation may embed on their minds

And I am thinking to blog this entry, writing about you again

maybe it is just the work of mind but my heart would get tender, thinking about you, the big clumsy boy i would love to take care of

I would miss seeing you and listen to your music at the spots when i have time for myself

I would want to hear your voice, wondering if you are not suffering frm another cold only to get your emotionless chilled voice disappointing me in anyway possible

and you would just laugh it off every time i comment on your coolness to me

but i would always recall how you hold me close, caressing my back telling me that you are a cold person when i commented so and nod your head when i offer to warm your heart up jokingly

or the way you smile happily receiving the music box with the melody of "I just called to say i love you" 

and the way you would look disappointingly at the clock saying the time flies too fast

or how white and tired you were, catching a cold and still paying me a visit to keep your promise with me despite all that

and being sick as you were, trying your best to please me the way you can

i might just be blind in love but it just softens my heart typing down these things

i am touched at the care and attention i am having from you, the cool clumsy emotion-distant boy

and you would patiently wait for me to unpack my luggage on my trip back, just to perform your own way to express your emotion

and the way you nod your head in silence to finally admit that you missed me while i am away... maybe just as much as I miss your presence

I am not sure if I am lowering my standards and do i have one in the 1st place? after all, my family is just as average and at times you would resemble my dad so much

at times i was wondering if i just somehow ended up taking my responsibility for approaching you first... but in that fact alone lies my fate of being with you

and all the while it always feels right, being with you, an all brand new kind of relationship i've ever been with.

maybe it is the first with you too, being together with someone like me

and i was saying i hope this year my heart will be calmer and able to taste the joy of life to the fullest

and i was telling you that i hope you will be able to express yourself better, at least around me

and you seemed to agree with me on that

and I can easily foresee my life not being all financially comfortable and all carefree in the future family picture with you, but that is fine

i would rather take care of you than hurting you. that is my very resolution. at least for now

...............

and according to the various horoscope from Western to Asian, it seems that this is not gonna be any good year for me... sth along "prepare for the worst"

well, it's not like I can't imagine it
as i have little to no satisfaction of my current job, working condition or relation ...
and my mood swing and out-of-energy mood
so yeah, prepare for and expect the worst as you would like to call it
maybe i still have no idea at the extensive at how bad it could turn
sigh.

so it is very late but hello again 2016
it would be great if it turns out the other way though ^^