in Japan when the summer beats goodbye to let autumn take it place
3months before leaving 20s forever
not single but not officially wed
working but with a growing heavy heart
non-ambition yet my days pass in a hurry
still dislike growing up so so so much
...i dont know if you should call this the mid-life crisis
or the 30s crisis? or whatever crisis i seem to face
faithless in job and human in general
probably prone to break down at any given time
again i am lost
having no direction or no aim to reach for
having absolutely no idea of what future beholds or what future i should seek
my heart is dying with lesser joy in helping people out or in any task i finish though i should have felt fulfilled and satisfied at those
even though not having much years in office work, i have never felt this resistance almost to the point of loathing to drag myself to work as of now...
is this really something i have to compensate for by growing up?! .. seriously
is work or the nature of work supposed to be this way?
no way! esp for people who have non-career mindset or advancing ambition like me
...
-----------------------
reading my unpublished old posts and contemplating on my ever-so-insecure future, so here i am departing on my first entry for 2017
2016 has been a really hectic and restless year, making me ever so helpless, loss, frustrated, exhausted, angry almost to the point of hating almost everything i touched, which is quite contrary to my carefree nature
my heart had never grown this conflicting and heavy before
is that the price one has to pay for when turning to an age that commitment and security obtains their essential status?
and i still could not feel the joy i was longing for as much as i wish
the joy in appreciating the beauty of life, the excitement when coming in touch with nature...
well, to be fair, it did come at instances, with such vehement force cleaving my heart ever so fleetingly and i was trembling with tears remembering how i had been touched that way, with wonder and excitement, in a time not so far when i was way more naive
i wonder what was it that touched me so deep at those moments? the sad truth that i hardly came across such joy anymore now that i managed to somehow "settle" in the country i died to live in?
or the rejoice of re-encountering what i was seeking and missing the whole time?
whatever it is, i genuinely wish to be touched and rejoiced in such manner in higher frequency
speaking on this topic, i was so moved when i watched "kimi no na", literally "your name"in Japanese. It was an anime by Makoto Shinkai, a famous graphic animation director, worldwide known by his previous works such as "5cm per seconds" "beyond the clouds"...
The plot and the content is built up by the trending style of breaking up time sequence in movie narration to create surprise and climax
I leave the content for your exploration
The thing i was touched about is how it integrates some Japanese traditional art, customs together with the explanation and wisdom behind them, taught and passed down by the elders
That was what i found so touching watching the movie, as it reminds me of how these Japanese elements captivated me back then...
And I hope the Japanese feel that way too, honorable and appreciative of traditional values that have been inherited from their predecessors
Living in this crazy world nowadays when things can be so popular and widely known just for instance before it is completely gone into oblivion, i still believe that a responsible human should live, knowing and understanding the necessity of his/ her customs, stand to protect its beauty and pass them down to their offspring in this manner... so they can again and again being admired, looked up to and protected
on the same topics, recently, there is a CM series from JT that really touches me that way too, about Japanese traditions and indirectly their wisdom of being considerate and thoughtful to the others
it is yet again, captures the characterized fleeting beauty of the Japan I am so much in love with from those beginning days
the dim lighting, modest colored background, minimal but detailed and powerful images and the short but succinct narration in each CM is carefully selected to exquisitely disclose the message in a very subdued manner, just as how the Japanese subtly express their attentiveness
every time these CMs are shown, i would silently watch them in admiration
and wishfully thinking if I could, one day, create such work that conveys the refined beauty to rouse interest in Japanese culture to others the way I have been drawn to
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CHRMicIFMk
some sentences from the CM
人生は言葉で伝えない想いほうがはるかに多い
... There are so much more thoughts (lying in one creation/ work) that are not conveyed by words in life
会えない時間は、会ってい時間より、人を想っている
.. one thinks much about their loved one in times when they are away more then times when they are together
... i need to improve my translation skill because it is much meaningful and implicit than how i put them :D
back to 2017, i could foresee much challenges posed ahead as I would need to term with the adult world in my way, remaining true to myself while protecting my loved ones, finding and creating the joy and beauty in the chaotic life, finding and building my own calm oasis in this restless world
but i should be happy as i at least found my partners in crime now
and i hope i would have more time blogging for my wording skills, perspectives, and reflection :)
at least i see light in the endless dark tunnel ahead and my duty is to keep following, protecting and spreading that light... or so i guess :D
that should be it
probably the wisdom in the age of insecurity is just to stay oblivious, reckless and follow your heart :D
or i wish it to be that way ^^
sincerely, simply, recklessly yet mindfully
