because you are the first - for the special first child

just a small note that i am typing this entry after having scolded my child for jumping on the sofa and not listening to me lol 

... but this entry is supposed to just note down a few moments and recollections how special the first child is to me as a mother

i had never understood or aware of how special and privileged it is being a first child (well i am the first child myself) until i finally became a mother myself

why? is there a need to ask at all? in the perspective of a mother, because the first always entails almost all the most exceptional and endearing feelings, thoughts, dedication, and complications a mother gets to experience. just as how first love matters and is deemed unforgettable for teenagers and young adults...

It is how your heart is filled with inexplicable joy and bliss inhaling the scent of your infant baby, how you cant get enough when his tiny little finger collides into your palm or tightens your finger by reflexes, or how he looks the most satisfied baby ever wiggling his head after a breastfeed, how his so adorable round plump cheeks tempts you into looking and caressing them for eternity, how his unconscious smile softens and eases the most tiring sleepless nights of motherhood, or how he cradles his head into your breasts as if the world belongs to him just by being in your embrace, like your protection and undivided attention to him is absolute and matters the most, as if your hug will chase off all the evils, uneasiness of the unfamiliar and hideous world he just came to and your affection and adoration grants him with the most powerful protection ever... in a world where things should be comprehended in view of relativity theory (as in there is always space for fluctuation and deviation), the word "absolute" feels most fit and apt describing the existence of a mother to an infant.  

yet, love is always an equilibrium between delight, pleasure, and pain and distress

just as how a baby comes into being and living within a mother for ten months with all the discomfort of pregnancy, and gets out of the womb with contraction pain and hours of excruciating laboring pain beyond your imagination 

your baby's loud cry and sob would bother you to perpetually and disturb the calmest mind ever, continuously demanding and occupying your entire time and being, physically and mentally

he would make you feel utter helpless and restless seeing him suffer from any pain and illness because you are unable to do anything except for hugging them tightly or worrying over the right treatment to choose to make them feel better in the shortest time allowed

and how he made you feel guilty and bad at moments when you lost your temper and shouted at them illogically, or how your heart quivers when you first saw him trying to overcome his tears and restrain himself so you can take time to take care of your second baby... only to find him sobbing quietly or crying out loud in his/her sleep calling for mom's hug and attention

or how their clumsy first words humor and comfort you to no end 

there is probably no sweeter love confession than the one your child utters when they first know how to say i love you

yes, all the bittersweet angst, all the ecstasy and delight, all the quivering tugs and pulls accompanied, are enhanced and held dear in the depths of your subconscious just by being the first

you never want to forget a moment of it, yet you have no time and no means to record it exactly as memories fades and blurs in instances

that is why the only love at first sight that i can take credit in is probably this, the love and affection a mom feel for their child... that may be why most of the time, the mom-child bond is a described as one of a kind, an unconditional and irreplaceable one in a lifetime

and maybe that explains how a child always reserves a very soft spot for mother and vice versa, how a mother always dedicates the best things for their child even at the expense of their own sacrifice 

by no means do i reject the idea of family by choice or other alternative love between a child feel and his care-taker other than mother and vice versa ( i mean we live in a world of relativity after all); but this special and sacred feelings is truly beyond comparison unless you experience them yourself

thus, no matter how aching and troublesome motherhood gets, if i were to choose again when being reborn, i think i wont give up on becoming a mother 

Always with Me いつも何度でも～ a soul searching journey, a melody of a lifetime

I choose this clip cause there is an English translation for the lyrics though I have to say translation is not always accurate since there are a few self-interpretations added by the translator (probably in hope to set light on the ambiguity of the lyrics), which is understandable because Japanese is a language of ambiguity

My understanding is slightly different at a few points but i'm not blogging about this song to point out the difference in translation 

I just want to note down how its meaning evolves in me since i first knew and fell in love with it

As many probably know that this is a theme song for one of the best hits of Ghibli studio's work called Spirited away (千と千尋の神隠し）

I first watched it when i was 18 or 19 i think; and i didnt get much of the many layers of meaning it carries until i had chance to explore it again in my film lecture in university. Though i did absolutely fall in love with the tale it narrates and the dream-like adventure Chihiro goes through in the movie. What was left in me then was simply a dreamy adventure and an unforgettable encounter, something similar to a supernatural experience and fateful encounter, which is my cup of tea when i was younger.  

Only until my film lecture when we explore the works of GHibli studio did it dawn on me how the film was a representation of a soul searching meaning that one can relate throughout his/her lifetime, which is exactly the meaning of the song in my opinion.

Just like how Chihiro transforms from a listless, indifferent city girl to a more lively, active, decisive and brave girl when facing with the unexpected challenges and encounters life represents her; the song conveys its messages to those who engages in the search for the meaning of their existence through its ever-gentle melody.

Only with calmness, understanding and resilience comes our courage and resolution to wage against the adversity wave life may throw us at; and at the other end may we make peace with our sorrow and taste the sweetest treats of life...

Through the brokenness each and every farewell leaves us may we find a new beginning awaiting ahead, the courage to accept and to move forward as life unfolds its course  

There might be plenty of things and happenings we cant explain and reason why such occurence but sometimes there is just no reason and explanation for a life course; only that every single living entities would share the same fate; and you are not at all an exception. 

our soul, our inner peace should be cultivated from deep within our mind, our hearts, not something granted to us by somebody or through attaining something at all. but we may only grasp its meaning through our endless pondering, exploring and encounters in life.

That is how the song resonates in me at present, when i have lived for more than three decades. 

The song is like a representation of philosophy of life and our attitudes towards it. It is like a meditation through which we find our calm oasis amidst the ever-changing and evolving storm of living; and it is very touching in that sense, or at least to me 

 So this blog is to profess my love for Ghibli's works; how it always touches me at any moment of life, beyond words

Speaking of which, i really want to see The boy and the Heron....

 

  

   

「OKOTO」 by Sawaii Hikaru - sounds of life through okoto

i think i might have blogged about this piece before but i cant help mentioning it again upon listening to it today.

just that i came across a few string instrumental ost and youtube leads me back to the beloved okoto. guess i have a thing for string instrument after all...

this piece of composition is named "OKOTO" written in capital letters in alphabet, which is a very rare naming in traditional music instrumental pieces like okoto where the naming is usually done in Japanese kanji or at most, hiragana. 

Moreover, its name is the instrument's name itself in English. With just the naming, it has already left a strong impression on what the composer might want to convey, as he probably wants to promote the beautiful sounds of this instruments to the world in a more contagious format of music. 

The piece is meant to be performed by at least 2 persons, not alone, giving me a sense of companionship that might not always needed in playing music, a means to express the individuality. It might not be the intention of the composer but it makes me feel less lonely in that way... how to phrase it... like a solitary melody in its utmost serenity

And the sounds and the dynamics of the melody is what you may label "modernity in tradition" as it is nowhere near the calm and low-key traditional pieces of okoto.

I'm not anywhere near educated in music, thus i cant explain how outstandingly or how differently it is arranged in professional terms. but one definitely feels how all the high and low dynamic transcends the emotion layers here; where one appreciates the serenity of solitude and the joy of companionship at the same time, and then the variation in speed makes us feel the urgency and subjective of time, space and life. It represents a mixture of all the contraries and adversities, unition and solitary, soft and loud, fast & determined versus gentle & vibration; quiet yet explosive and emotive, an exquisite combination of all the contradictions as what life offers us.... and they are all conveyed through each mesmerizing notes produced by okoto, the instruments... yes it is that sophisticated to me

 

When i fisrt knew this piece around 15years ago through my koto club in university, i hardly came across any performances when searching for it on youtube. but today, i can even found the original music from the composer, not to mention the various performances of the piece, which makes me genuinely happy since it only means more and more people, especially the younger generations will come to know and love this piece. love-lived okoto!

The video i shared here has one of the best dynamics (in my humble opinion) and is very closed to the original sounds.

i may blog about this piece again when i may attach more layers of meaning to it in future haha 

dedicated for dramas

 i just feel it is not fair when i wrote about love like the galaxy but there is no entry on my all time favorite drama "Twenty five, twenty one"

suddenly being reminded of 2521 when listening to this song from a coming of age movie i watched recently "Upcoming summer"

Dont judge me when i still watch coming of age movie despite being in my late thirties... usually i dont have much time dwelling or recalling those emotions anymore

but sometimes after watching a beautifully done drama or movie about growing up, love, choice and parting, which is usually the main theme of coming of age stories, i cant help but trying to recall my experience of the far away realm called youth

盛夏光年 Eternal Summer

作词+作曲：阿信
Lyrics and composition: Ashin

我骄傲的破坏 我痛恨的平凡
I destroyed triumphantly the mediocrity which I hate
才想起那些是我最爱
Before realising that those were my beloved

让盛夏去贪玩
Let summer be playful
把残酷的未来
Expel the cruel future
狂放到光年外
To light years away

而现在
But for now
放弃规则 放纵去爱
Let go of rules, let loose in love
放肆自己 放空未来
Let me be free, let’s vanquish fate
我不转弯 我不转弯
I will head on, I will go on
我不转弯 我不转弯
I’m not turning, never turning

让定律更简单
Let the laws be simpler
让秩序更混乱
Let order be messier
这样的青春我才喜欢
This is my favourite kind of youth

让盛夏去贪玩
Let summer be playful
把残酷的未来
Expel the cruel future
狂放到光年外
To light years away

而现在
But for now
放弃规则 放纵去爱
Let go of rules, let loose in love
放肆自己 放空未来
Let me be free, let’s vanquish fate
我不转弯 我不转弯
I will head on, I will go on
我不转弯 我不转弯
I’m not turning, never turning

我要我疯 我要我爱 就是
I want to be crazy, I want to love
我要我疯 我要我爱 现在
I want to be crazy over love right now

一万首的mp3  一万次疯狂的爱
Ten thousand mp3’s or the same amount of passionate romances
灭不了一个渺小的孤单
Can’t crush a scrap of loneliness

我要我疯 我要我爱 就是
I want to be crazy, I want to love
我要我疯 我要我爱 现在
I want to be crazy over love right now

盛夏的一场狂欢
A revelry during midsummer
来到了光年之外
Brought to light years away
长大难道是人必经的溃烂
Is growing up part of the decay that all humans undergo?

而现在
But for now
放弃规则 放纵去爱
Let go of rules, let loose in love
放肆自己 放空未来
Let me be free, let’s vanquish fate
我不转弯 我不转弯
I will head on, I will go on
我不转弯 我不转弯
I’m not turning, never turning

------------------------

First the above song is from Upcoming summer, a very common light-hearted tales of growing up with all its painful loneliness, awkwardness, loss at our puzzled emotions and all the changes the future ahead us beholds... a simple story yet inexplicably touching and soulful when paring with the ost above

the lyrics says it all. it is a phase in your life when you want to break free from the boring routine before realizing that those all are your beloved...

and it makes me yearning for 2521 because i have always loved 2521 ost so earnestly 

Jaurim - 스물다섯, 스물하나 (Twenty Five, Twenty One) (English Translation) Lyrics

[Verse 1]
In the season when the wind blows and flowers fall
It still seems as if I'm holding your hand
Back then, the flowers were so beautiful
I didn't know it as much as I do now

[Chorus]
Ooh, your scent
It's coming in the wind
Ooh, I thought it would last forever
Twenty-five, twenty-one

[Verse 2]
That day, the sea was very warm
It still seems as if you're grabbing my hand
In the shining sunlight, there was you and me
My heart ached with happiness in this dream

[Chorus]
Ooh, the song that day
It's coming in the wind
Ooh, I thought it would last forever
You and I in the past

[Bridge]
Your voice, your eyes
Even the warmth of your body
The morе I remember, thе more they fade
I can't hold you back from disappearing

https://youtu.be/Y1MpPe6raeU?si=nZTYY1b9qxsW_i3a

-------------

while the romance in upcoming summer is a teenagers' crush, cute and light-hearted, the romance in 2521 is much more endearing. It is love, the so-called unforgettable first love; and not only at that, an excruciatingly beautiful and haunting one. Apart from all the cliche naivety and fluttering moments fist love entails, it is the mutually support and nurturing the two lovers shares through their journey to overcome the tough time life throws them into that makes the story outstanding and exquisite. a love that grows, heals their wounds and warms their hearts, being each other source of energy to continue and fight on. we cant help being envious of the love bond they share though it does not last forever...  and the farewell they have to bid is none of those cliche dramas of fatal diseases or love triangle but series of life events powerful enough to make them part their way and fall out of love. the love story and its end is made very realistic in that sense. thus, all the more emotional and endearing

well, what lasts forever anyway? forever is a very subjective and circumstanced term. but it is frequently exploited when talking about love, making love alluring and delusional to the inexperienced ones

 Okay, actually, I have forgotten many details of the drama cause it is alr 2years since I watched it.. lol

but i just want to pen down its name as one of my all time favorite dramas for the emotion feels so raw and real then.

there is another all time favorite i have not mentioned which is Reply 1988. I'll write about it some other time haha

for motherhood, and for love like the galaxy

here I am trying to write after abandoning my blog for almost 4years lol

read somewhere that writing is actually a type of meditation and a wonderful tool to clear your thoughts and understand who you are

cant agree more

writing does help me through my darkest moments and my tough time, calming me emotionally and putting me back into perspectives and logical reasonings; at the same time getting back my humor and practicing writing English. it feels like confiding to your friend and your emotional load is lifted after typing them down and trying to make the writing coherent. it really does wonder beyond my expectation.

Okay there are many many more benefits from writing I couldnt have been mentioning enough of. Just give it a try if you have any doubts. Plus it is fun to read your past entries, remembering the person you were once and the thoughts ocuppying you once.

What I want to write about in this blog is the above Chinese drama called `Love like the galaxy` that I watched in the last days of 2023

First I have to say after 10years plus of forgetting about Chinese historical drama, this drama has really taken me aback of how these historical time dramas have evolved and is way better than my past prejudice. 

I mean the setting is historical (which is always a strong point of Chinese drama) but the content is easily related to in modern society, added together with a well-thought plot, many witty dialogues, surprisingly beautiful cinematography, arousing and sophisticated soundtrack from Oriental traditional instruments, and of course the wonderful casts make it a totally tasteful treat, not any inferior in quality compared to mainstream popular Kdrama or Jdrama.

Apart from the aesthetically pleasing aspects, the drama tells brilliant tales of family bonds, of the ever-challenging relations of parents and child, ideals of loyalty in ancient time; and an intense and heart-throbbing love story of the main leads. 

I was imagining me in my twenties watching this show. I would probably woo over the tsundere appealing ML and get too emotional over the turbulent and eventful love story of the leads, without remembering to appreciate the side stories revolving around the supporting characters. 

Now in the beginning of motherhood, I cant help relating to the stories revolving the family bonds, put myself in the perspectives and agonize over the parents' heart. For us who gets no education on how to become mother, it is just as difficult to navigate life as our child who just begins to step out and navigate their life. For parents, to strike the balance between your endless affection and your stubbornness, to harden your hearts when disciplining your child is tough and excruciating. 

Having been through puberty ourselves, we surely more or less know why the difficult child might behave in way that angers us; yet we cant bring ourselves to make peace or give in just because we thought that it is not right, it is not what society expects, it is not how a girl/boy is supposed to behave... only to regret afterwards if we did it right, if we were too harsh, if our child was hurt, if only we could be less proud to admit our faults, if only we could control our emotions better... so and so was I pondering when taking my baby out for a walk

(well my child is nowhere near puberty but education a child at any age, any stage is a really demanding and tough job)

While in my twenties, i spent much time pondering and figuring out the person I am and the road to walk on ahead; in my thirties, with much less time for myself, and for thinking at all, my brains would circle around motherhood, family bond and human relation we have with people around us.

I read in a magazine featuring thoughts on Kenzaburo Oe's novels and ideas; in which states that human is better off living in groups, that the bond and closeness heals us, that human nature is not to be left alone... well something along the lines.

So be it, relationships is never easy and always demanding; yet i believe it is better for us to be able to bond with other human beings, to be able to trust and take responsibility in our relationship; for human take joy in helping others (much more than one could have expected); though it is definitely a continuous challenge we face through our life time. 

Back to the drama i was trying to promote (lol), another selling point is the lead actor and actress haha. I guess dramas can never do without the aesthetical pleasing points

I hope i can find the inspiration to write more this year...