because you are the first - for the special first child

just a small note that i am typing this entry after having scolded my child for jumping on the sofa and not listening to me lol 

... but this entry is supposed to just note down a few moments and recollections how special the first child is to me as a mother

i had never understood or aware of how special and privileged it is being a first child (well i am the first child myself) until i finally became a mother myself

why? is there a need to ask at all? in the perspective of a mother, because the first always entails almost all the most exceptional and endearing feelings, thoughts, dedication, and complications a mother gets to experience. just as how first love matters and is deemed unforgettable for teenagers and young adults...

It is how your heart is filled with inexplicable joy and bliss inhaling the scent of your infant baby, how you cant get enough when his tiny little finger collides into your palm or tightens your finger by reflexes, or how he looks the most satisfied baby ever wiggling his head after a breastfeed, how his so adorable round plump cheeks tempts you into looking and caressing them for eternity, how his unconscious smile softens and eases the most tiring sleepless nights of motherhood, or how he cradles his head into your breasts as if the world belongs to him just by being in your embrace, like your protection and undivided attention to him is absolute and matters the most, as if your hug will chase off all the evils, uneasiness of the unfamiliar and hideous world he just came to and your affection and adoration grants him with the most powerful protection ever... in a world where things should be comprehended in view of relativity theory (as in there is always space for fluctuation and deviation), the word "absolute" feels most fit and apt describing the existence of a mother to an infant.  

yet, love is always an equilibrium between delight, pleasure, and pain and distress

just as how a baby comes into being and living within a mother for ten months with all the discomfort of pregnancy, and gets out of the womb with contraction pain and hours of excruciating laboring pain beyond your imagination 

your baby's loud cry and sob would bother you to perpetually and disturb the calmest mind ever, continuously demanding and occupying your entire time and being, physically and mentally

he would make you feel utter helpless and restless seeing him suffer from any pain and illness because you are unable to do anything except for hugging them tightly or worrying over the right treatment to choose to make them feel better in the shortest time allowed

and how he made you feel guilty and bad at moments when you lost your temper and shouted at them illogically, or how your heart quivers when you first saw him trying to overcome his tears and restrain himself so you can take time to take care of your second baby... only to find him sobbing quietly or crying out loud in his/her sleep calling for mom's hug and attention

or how their clumsy first words humor and comfort you to no end 

there is probably no sweeter love confession than the one your child utters when they first know how to say i love you

yes, all the bittersweet angst, all the ecstasy and delight, all the quivering tugs and pulls accompanied, are enhanced and held dear in the depths of your subconscious just by being the first

you never want to forget a moment of it, yet you have no time and no means to record it exactly as memories fades and blurs in instances

that is why the only love at first sight that i can take credit in is probably this, the love and affection a mom feel for their child... that may be why most of the time, the mom-child bond is a described as one of a kind, an unconditional and irreplaceable one in a lifetime

and maybe that explains how a child always reserves a very soft spot for mother and vice versa, how a mother always dedicates the best things for their child even at the expense of their own sacrifice 

by no means do i reject the idea of family by choice or other alternative love between a child feel and his care-taker other than mother and vice versa ( i mean we live in a world of relativity after all); but this special and sacred feelings is truly beyond comparison unless you experience them yourself

thus, no matter how aching and troublesome motherhood gets, if i were to choose again when being reborn, i think i wont give up on becoming a mother